For married SA/PA's...honest answers please

One of the saddest things I’ve noticed on here are the PA’s who say how much they love there partner, but cannot get into recovery. They talk about how great and supportive their wife is, how she doesn’t deserve this and how it hurts her deeply. Then finally, after YEARS of dealing with this, the wife says she can’t do it anymore and divorces. Right away, sometimes before she’s even moved out, they begin pointing out everything they deem wrong with her and how she contributed to the state of their marriage ( one actually said it was her unforgiving nature that caused the divorce, not his addiction). They talk about how they are working on themselves but she’s really the toxic one, all while still deep in addiction. You cannot work on a marital relationship if one of you is active in addiction! It’s scary from a partners viewpoint. Multiple times men saying how much they love their wife and then completely turning on her once she gives up and leaves.

 

My wife never left, but she did get to the point where she had to leave to protect herself if I didn't stop. That was the catalyst I needed to start trying to stop. Of course that's not enough, and I had to realise that I was really stopping for myself. There were lots of realisations like that on the road to my current streak. I still find it hard to accept that I had let things go so far that she believed I would choose porn over her. I love her and I would do anything to show her that, and to keep her.

Also, and this is a different point, I think your idea that I could "act out as freely as you want" frightens me. I suspect that is why I have never visited a prostitute. It feels like once that levy breaks I am doomed. That's probably why I found it easier to quit camgirls than to quit porn. Camgirls were more intoxicating than porn, but I could also feel the danger more acutely. I guess what I am getting at here is that some addicts may think that acting out freely would be great, but most of us had already realised that our porn use was not good for us, but we needed something to push us over the edge into sincerely trying to stop.

 

I might be wrong about which way around this some and most are — it's just my intuition, I have no data.

 

I'm pretty sure I sent you something in an email while back. I don't think I ever heard anything back from you about it. You can ask these questions of people in different stages of addiction and betrayal trauma recovery. People like @kropo82 and @Psalm27:1my light both are very valuable resources with great input. I can't speak for both of them, but I do know what our counselor had to say about all of this. Each of us must focus on our own recovery first, else the relationship will fail and we will have neither a relationship nor personal recovery. Also oftentimes it takes reaching total brokenness for an addict to understand the sheer magnitude of their betrayal. They snap out of it and it may then be too late. There are people who do reconcile after divorce, and can recover, but that's because with divorce, they are more focused on their own personal recovery. They have to really really want it.

If you want to talk more about it, PM me, and we'll talk about it. I'm sorry you are at this point, but whether you end up separate or together may very well be determined by what you and your husband are willing to do. Focus on you, and let him figure it out on his end. That's how it's got to be.

 

I just sent you an email...

 

You've got that right. Addiction is quite a monster, and it knows no boundaries. Recording your daughter? That's really crossing a line, and he needs serious help and intervention. Has he considered a sexual addiction treatment facility?

 

Is this man still in the same house as your daughter?

 

If you don't mind sharing, which one?

 

This guy’s issues are far beyond the range of this forum. A combination of SAA/SLAA several times a week, weekly therapy (after a residential treatment) are really necessary. The advice and experiences from most of us here are not sufficient to offer a frame of reference for his actions.

 

I've read through the whole thread. I'm really sorry that you are now separated, and for how he tried filming your daughter. As others have said it sounds like he needs alot more intensive treatment than can be offered here. I hope the center works out.

Bang on. I never realised this until I had left a webpage open with a discussion about whether jailbait was legal or not. I knew it was morally wrong, but I couldn't stop myself from looking, and I just wanted to be sure I wasn't gonna end up in jail. That should have been a wake-up call. It kind of was. But I kept on looking at otherwise innocent pictures of teenagers, and was using them as porn. I'm horrified that I did so, but reading the research in Your Brain on Porn it really isn't surprising. My brain needed the novelty as it wasn't satisfied with an age-appropriate woman.

The REAL wake-up call was the very plain discussion my wife had with me when I got home from work. She was in tears, no surprise at what. Through those tears she said that if I ever looked that up again she would be phoning my work.

Thing is, I knew she would.

I worked in a school where there were small children and teenagers.
I liked my job, and I already sensed that at some point the progression from looking at pictures is looking at real life girls. Which would lead to something even more unthinkable. And I just couldn't do that to myself or my wife, especially at work.

Now, I know that my first story made me wake-up to how much my use had progressed - and how horrible it was.

But we nearly didn't get married because of the porn. I can't remember how but it somehow got mentioned during pre-marriage counselling. We realised that the porn was making problems for me, which was affecting my life and how I treated her. She broke down in tears and asked "do you want to marry me?" There was nothing I could say but "yes"

The counsellor and I then started meeting privately to work on this. We continued until he moved away a couple of years into marriage.

A few years in, she found a stash of my crossdressing clothes. After the third time, she told me she would leave. That was a catalyst to stopping, although it took many years.

Right now - I'm working on this because I'm seeing the benefits to both of us. It's a bit of a mix. I would be horrified for her to go, because that would mean that I have failed her. I never want to go that far, because I saw how much what I was doing was already destroying her.

Did I ever think "good? then I'll be able to do what I want!" Briefly. but the reality was I knew that this crap was harming me and harming her, even though I couldn't say how it was harmful and how to stop. So I think in terms of quitting and working on the issue, I suppose genuine care for her is mixed with some selfish desires too.