Grateful to have my eyes, mind and heart opened.

I am no longer 'blind' to the damage done by years of P use.
Part of me wishes to have 'connected these dots' years ago. But, this is the journey that I am on. Grateful for life and grateful to have a great girl that understands.

I am on Day 23 today! I am an avid reader of other posts on nofap. I am 46 years old. The woman I am in love with is a year older than me, bright, beautiful and understanding. I am very lucky. She is also very patient. I have had PIED for most of our almost two year relationship. I would get so upset with myself when I couldn't perform. She wasn't the first that I experienced ED with. I've had PIED, PE and anxiety with a handful of wonderful women over the last 4 years before meeting my current fiance.

Let me turn back the clock a bit first: I had been introduced to Porn when I was either in 8th or 9th grade, back in the 80's. Magazine's were the only real way of seeing it at that time, at that age. Before computers. I remember passing a magazine around with my classmates in the back of class. Then in high school years, my older brother would show me late night cable R rated movies. I would also go to the mall to steal a peak at adult magazines while the cashier wasn't looking. Hiding the magazine in another magazine. This was before the magazine's were sealed in plastic.

The point is that porn was so difficult to see. Before adult magazines, I would use Sears catalog's, Victoria Secret advertisements, heck any advertisement with an alluring photo. It all seemed so innocent. There was shame associated with it. "You'll go blind". Or "You'll get hairy palms", etc. And we would laugh at those expressions. I never lost my physical sight. But, I did lose my "Vision". Slowly, over more than 30 years. I went "blind" to my relationships. I went "blind" to my self worth and confidence. I went "blind" to the important things in life. The things I am trying to desperately experience in my life now.

Luckily, with all obstacles in my life, I am one to accept my current situation and PRESS ON.

"I promise myself to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future" - Christian D. Larson.

So, here I am. I am originally only here because of PIED and PE experiences. Funny how nature gives you hints along the way then, if you don't heed the warning, will just wallop you over the head with PIED. I'm grateful that PIED happened to get me here. Without those 'problems', I wouldn't have seen the damage I was doing to my mind and soul and relationships.

I'm on day 23 of no porn, no masturbation and no orgasm. Thank God for NoFap and YBOP for I go to the sites often to find inspiration and instruction. I have had so many realizations it's mind blowing! I have been exercising regularly. I love to Bike on the bike trails. Unfortunately, I'll have to find a new trail. The trail in town here has lots of attractive females running, biking, etc. And the weather is warm so they are scantily clad. I found that I would spend most of an hour long ride objectifying them the whole time. I could feel the dopamine rush and my mind would be fooled into thinking that this was good for me. NO! So, now I plan to bike elsewhere, acknowledge and then release any sexual feelings that come up, divert my eyes and start telling a different story about the women I see in everyday life so that I don't continue to objectify them.

I'm only going for no PM. I haven't had an O with my girl yet. At two weeks, we have been experiencing amazing intimacy together. I listen to her with an open heart. I see her true beauty in front of me when she talks. She has responded so strongly to my change and extra attention that I give her. I always gave her the wrong kind of attention before. I was recommending going to the sex store and other things that I could tell she was not in to. I tried prescribed sex pills, blue and the pink. Never worked all that well. I had heart surgery three years ago and erroneously blamed my medicine. I was embarrassed.

Finding out that it's all about my dopamine fix and addiction all these years stopped me in my tracks. If you haven't, check out the science behind the addiction on YBOP. Almost overnight, I was like "I'm done."! And it seems so doable!!

I don't need Porn anymore. Ever.

So, my girl and I are going on vacation tomorrow. It's our first together. A week in a tropical location. I am worried about all the P-subs on the beach, etc. I plan to put my entire focus on my girl. To shower her with hugs and hand holding. To chill with her in the room, etc. We have tantra massages planned between us and am really looking forward to it. She loves me and I can't wait to perform the way she deserves. From what I read, around Day 90 or so, maybe earlier.

Going to go now and start my day. But I'll be back to update. When on vacation, I plan to write when I can about my experiences to help others. Also, I've left stuff out on this first post that I'll bring up on later days. Wishing you all well. We are healing. It's good. Stay strong.

 

Thanks D. J. I appreciate you saying hello. I have checked out your very valuable and detailed list. Thanks for being in service to those of us just starting out.

 

Here is my thread in Forums: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...ve-a-supportive-community.106229/#post-880109

Thanks for the support.