Guess I'm Doing A Journal Now...

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by lovebug_km, Nov 26, 2017.

  1. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Good luck.
    And please remember.... This is something that brings out the worst in us.
    But the PA exposed the worst... And if they can't handle us at our worst, maybe it's best to leave it.
    However, if you think it' savable, by all means, save it.
    @AnonymousAnnaXOXO was with her partner only a year and @Jak3 has been clean now another year and they are happily married.
    But.
    Everyone has a different story.
    No two stories here are alike.
    My advice is always be honest in counciling.
    Without honesty, you can't move forward.
     
  2. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    I feel I was honest in therapy. I don't trust my SO to be genuine at all ever so I don't know. Booked another session for Thursday though. The therapist himself was fantastic. I asked him to fix my human so I can have the relationship I thought I had again. :(
     
    Deleted Account and Kenzi like this.
  3. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    What a weird day yesterday was. I couldn't believe how EXHAUSTED I was for the rest of the day after therapy. We sat awkwardly next to each other for most of the day while I watched tv. We went for a dog walk that was mostly silent. Back to the couch and tv afterwards. At some point in the evening we decided to do some quizzes the therapist sent us and the results were insanely accurate (also my SO and I are apparently perfect matches according to the Myers-Brigg test soooo that's interesting). After doing this for a couple hours I felt the need to ask some questions that have been killing me.
    How can he still be attracted to women in porn when he lost the love of his life over them? When he's seen how much damage its caused to the person he claims to love more than anything?
    He says he doesn't anymore not only because of the ruining of me and him and us, but also because he sees now that they're brainwashed and exploited and a part of a toxic industry. Also that they're having "sex" with countless people without condoms. I don't believe him yet, because I'm sure that he knows that's exactly what I want to hear.
    ....it kind of worked though. I let him sleep in our bed last night. Separate blankets. Not touching. But we slept in the same bed. It's insanely confusing for me because before Thursday, I just saw him as a man with PA, but didn't see him as loving me any less because of it. I still felt so connected to him and we had very intimate sex almost every day. But now....just hugging him makes me confused. It's like there's half of me that wants to jump right on and feel that intimacy again and the other half wants to run away from the rejection I've been feeling. All I picture is him not looking at me, thinking of other women, or even just fucking up his recovery turning him instantly back into being a creep afterwards. So instead I sit here silently and sleep in a separate blanket to avoid touch.
     
    Deleted Account, kropo82 and Kenzi like this.
  4. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    This is normal... My SO was a stranger for awhile too. When I finally let him touch me, I wouldn't let him kiss me.
    Sometimes I still go around with this.. He's luckily a very patient man.
    And therapy... Good therapy, can be draining.
    Take care of yourself!
    *Hugs
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 and kropo82 like this.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Also, in Google ad settings, if you change him to a female instead of a male... You get better search results!
    For articles and things.
    Then "men's interests" (which is porn) - a setting you can 'dislike'
    Don't show up in ads or videos
    But also you get real intimate things for relationships and stuff
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  6. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    Just did it! He's stoked being a 66 year old woman.
     
  7. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So is Rock Star. :)
    *high five
    Part of the old bitty club
     
  8. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    I've been feeling extremely down these past couple of days. I don't know if my medications aren't working anymore or if it's 100% because of this whole new life as an SO of a PA thing. I don't clean, I don't cook, I don't go for walks, I dont exercise, I don't do anything. I've even missed days at work, which puts extra stress on me because my SO hasn't been working since d-day. *SO works away at camp and claimed a family emergency to come home ASAP when I found everything.
    So that's another thing. He leaves Christmas Day for 16 days. I'm so not ready to be alone. I literally don't even drive myself to work anymore. I'm surprised I bathe myself at this point.
    I'm just so fucking insecure to a ridiculous point. Any girl I see I pick out parts of her my SO would find attractive. I had to stop at a local tattoo shop earlier today and ALL the girls there are so gorgeous and 110% his type and now I can't even talk to him. He didn't even come into the shop with me. He never saw them. But I did. And now I'm sad because I'm too poor for tattoos because I have to pay our bills because he isn't working because he's a PA and I caught him and so now I can't be pretty like them and have him be attracted to me. Fucking. Perfect.
     
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    It's ok.
    You are right in the boat.
    Perfectly normal feelings.
    It's ok.
    We have all felt exactly what you are feeling right now.
    We all want to change to be what they look at.
    But guess what?
    They don't like what they evolved to look at.
    It's just the last thing in the sexual porn evolution.
    He doesn't like that.
    He' sstarting over.
    Vanilla.
    You get a clean slate as long as he doesn't relapse.
    You will have triggers.
    It's OK too.
    Everyone is going to set u off.
    Has he disclosed anything to you yet?
    Like a full disclosure?
    How is therapy going?
    After a full disclosure the triggers for you should be easier.
    And you can always pm me.
    I hope after a word vomit here you feel at least a little bit better.
    *Hugs
     
  10. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    Thanks @Kenzi I super appreciate it! I'm still not sure what you mean by a full disclosure, but to me yes he has. As in the where, When, what kind, who specifically, how long, etc disclosure?
    Second therapy session is tomorrow. I don't know how we are going to afford any more after that until his next set off. :(
     
  11. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I ask because if you really feel he's not hiding anything then what do you want to use your last therapy session for?
    What do you ideally want from your relationship?
     
  12. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    It's not about him hiding things. It's about him working on himself to figure out where this addiction came from and how to heal and for me to gain my self esteem back and for us to reconnect and feel like a team again. I think it's safe to speak for both of us that that's what we both want.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    So next visit
    You want to hear a game plan?
    And see him working on it, like physical proof that it'l be getting done?
    OK.
    That makes sense.
     
  14. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    That's what made my SO come up with the Lists.
    I told him I was never going to believe he was getting better without physical daily proof of work and improving that he was bettering himself
     
  15. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    Eggsactly. He typed and printed out FANOS list, our boundaries list, and his promise list and posted them in our bedroom so it's the last thing he sees when he goes to bed and first thing he sees when he wakes up (thank you again for the suggestions).
    He spends less than 5 hours a day with a computer, reads an article a day then we talk about it, reads and posts on NoFap, does not use torrent sites or facebook when I'm not home, and is not only willing but specifically asked for parental fence on his phone and k9 on the computer. So game plan for recovery is in place, as long as that's kept up it's good.
    So now it's about the relationship itself. I like thinking of it being completely over. This is now going to be a new relationship where we grow and heal from our pasts together. At least I hope that's what happens.
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  16. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Impressive.
    *clapping
    So what next?
    What about date night?
    (I have 5 kids... Do you want to know the last date night I Went out for?... *crickets* you Can get fancy at home.. Trust)
    How about intimacy articles?
    What about the couples workshops in Rock_Star Lists?
    (You do those at home)
    Whats good for you? - at your pace.
    It may be a good idea to think about one... To just see how bonding is, or if it's still not feesible in the next month or so.
    Just a idea.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
  17. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
    Omg I died laughing at *crickets* bahaha. I'm not ready for date night. I'm always ready for relationship/intimacy building though. Our therapist gave us a video from John Gottman (I'm gonna guess you know all about this man) that we watched together And we'd pause and talk about things and it was really nice. And those quizzes we did Last weekend. I like doing stuff like that rather than EVERYTHING being about P and the associated pain. I should look at those workshops for sure then...
     
    Kenzi likes this.
  18. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Let me know if you have any questions
    It's in the lists.
    A couple people have said that they are very helpful
     
    lovebug_km likes this.
  19. lovebug_km

    lovebug_km Fapstronaut

    39
    66
    18
  20. GrinsSadly

    GrinsSadly New Fapstronaut

    2
    2
    3
    I feel the absolute same way!! ((Hugs)) girl you are not alone. Im here for you. Also i like to ramble and just write how I feel or what's coming out of my brain. It's our hearts ♥️ broken trying to make sense to our minds and feeling scrambled. If you need anything and need quick support feel free to message me too. I'm usually available. Thinking of you.
     
    lovebug_km and Kenzi like this.

Share This Page