I am absolutely defeated. I. Just. Have. Nothing. Left. And it's only day 21 since d-day. I feel like that's a bad sign and it makes me question whether or not I'll actually be able to get through this at all, or whether or not I even want to. I've been with my SO for less than a year, but in that time we merged our families and moved in together and share everything and have already built so many memories. But it's not even a year. So much can change in a year, so why can't I? I can end this and build myself up again and move on. Another part of me thinks that either I stay and let him make me eventually feel better about myself again, or I make myself be alone with these deep self consciousness that he helped create which will bring me further into the depression that very often takes me away from work and real adult life. What will happen then? Become a cutter again? Drink heavily? Sleep with anyone and everyone? Or I can be babysat by the guy that destroyed me, but at least I'm not being self destructive? Maybe none of this makes sense and I'm sorry because I'm not even going to proof read this. This is just the babbling thoughts running through my head as I lay in bed alone with my SO across the hall in the guest room instead of fighting for me/us/our relationship. Fuck this.