Hard mode (no sex at all) vs. healthy sexual expression and experiences with others

Many guys who choose hard mode do it because they're having sexual performance problems and they need to wait until their erections bounce back. Others choose it because they experience a strong "chaser" after orgasm (http://yourbrainonporn.com/what-chaser) and it pitches them back into a porn binge over the next several days. In any case, for most it is temporary, merely a means to an end of returning to balance. It's not coming from an anti-sex stance.

Your way is fine too. Whatever keeps you off porn.

 

Some of us don't really choose it. I'm on hard mode for two reasons: because my religion denounces premarital sex, and because I'm a socially anxious loser who can't get girls anyway.

 

I'm on the hard mode now. I think it's the best way to quit PMO. I was just tired of spending hours edging on porn every day for about 2 hours for an orgasm of about 15 sec. It's definetly not worth it!! I'm actually on day 4 and I feel great! I have urges at night basically but it's not that bad yet. I guess it will get more intense during the 90 days trial. We'll see.

 

Any guys on hard mode? what is your situation and motivation for this?
Accontability partners are allways welcome!!

 

I'm on hard mode. Actually never had sex. One of the tenants of Christianity is I'm not supposed to have premarital sex. I think the healthiest expression of sexuality is in a committed relationship, and ideally marriage. It's the cement of the relationship, so to speak, gluing everything else you already have with each other together. If I was married, I would not be doing hard mode, (unless I just needed to reset my brain chemically I guess.)

Until I reach 90 days I'm not even looking for a relationship. My last one was spoiled by the guilt pattern of me trying to quit, and my girlfriend knew. She was supportive, but also insecure about herself and deliberately made it harder for me, so she'd feel better about her own attractiveness. So I need to be on my game, to be a man, before I'm ready to put myself in a situation of temptation again, where so many emotions are tied into everything.

Very lonely right now, but I think it's the right way to go, and will save me a lot of trouble in the long run.

 

I'm curious about this too, because a phase of the reboot I've read about is where you seem to lose your sex drive all together. The flatline. This wouldn't occur if you were having sex regularly, of course. So I wonder if it's a helpful part of the sexual reset that is supposed to be taking place or not.

 

No worries. I'm not trying to push my beliefs either Honestly, since I have no sexual experience it's hard for me to show from personal experience alone why it's better. I can't say "i had sex and it destroyed the relationship cause it was too soon". I believe it for a couple reasons. One, obviously cause it's part of my religious belief system, and the more I live, the more it seems to make sense as a whole. So when I get to the sex part of what I'm supposed to do, I believe that it will make sense too, even though I'm not personally there. If that makes sense? But that's just faith.

From my own reasoning side of things, If I had sex with someone, and we broke up, the fallout would be greater. It's like gluing two things together. If you know they're gonna be together and supposed to be there, then gluing it together is great and helpful. But if you might take it apart in the future, it makes it messier and more difficult to do.

I feel bad for how much I hurt my last girlfriend; I still feel guilty about how far I took it physically (although she didn't feel bad about it at all afterwards) But then again physical chemistry is a big part of relationships too. I don't really know exactly how far I should go before marriage, and I don't judge others either. Although I do have my own views as to what works best of course. But its not like I think any less of people with different views.

I read this article awhile ago, and it talks about the statistical side of things. Relationships with delayed intimacy seem to do better. http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/07/01/how-delaying-intimacy-can-benefit-your-relationship/ It fits within my belief system. Not to say sexual relationships don't work out either. Even waiting until you say "I love you" to each other showed benefit, according to the article. So there's a sort of graded scale of success. My personal view as to what would theoretically work out best is the longest delayed intimacy until the greatest commitment to each other is made.

 

No problem. Yeah I guess in my mindset I would feel ashamed of premarital sex if I was in a position to do it and did. Although all I meant by that was admitting I didn't have any personal first hand experience in how sex harmed things.

You have a good point in the awkwardness increasing by delaying physical contact. Might be true. That may play into it too. I'm single and don't know how to initiate relationships very well. I'm ok once I'm in it, but I am very awkward. I know sex is normal in society, so it might give mixed signals if you're not careful and have them write you off as not interested.

 

Someone needs to poke this thread, so it may as well be me.

I've felt a lot of self-doubt recently, so perhaps it's time for me to take a stand. This will be my first post. Seeing what others have accomplished gives me hope.

Best wishes to you all!

 

DickoryDock, I just came across this site in the last hour or so. I think I can help answer some of your questions. I can't post a long thought out response right now though as it is after 5 am where I am. I need to get some sleep and putting my info together will take quite a bit of time. Look forward to discussing this further in the next day or so.

 

I do hard mode because for me it's much easier to concentrate on work and hobbies when my mind is free of sexual images. Since starting NoFap i never stare at attractive women while walking at street. It's scientifically proven that having orgasm or fantasizing about sex increases semen production which is biologically most expensive material. It takes lot's of time, energy and nutrients to produce it. If you eliminate orgasms and sexual thoughts you can use these nutrients and energy in other life areas. Your concentration, memory and immune system will improve. I also really want to become emotionally and psychologically independent form sexuality. I improved at this and it's gives huge confidence when you are able to not stare at very attractive women and don't think about her. That's why I love hard mode

 

Doing some hard mode here I want to build my self control to eliminate this addiction. It is wasting my energy, money, time and my true relationship

 

Can you post a link to any articles on the science you're referring to? I'm currently trying to quit P and M without getting rid of the O. However, I'm not seeing anyone seriously and I told the girl I had been seeing casually that I don't want to be physical with her anymore. I just don't want to consciously not be sexually active unless I can find some convincing evidence that it would be very beneficial. Thanks.

 

Careful with articles about statistical studies. Having looked at the studies, they seem to be much more cautious in their conclusions than the article you linked to. One interesting dimension is that they pretty much admit to a skewed sample population...not sure how you recognize that but post conclusions anyhow...data is hard to get.

I also spent an hour taking the RELATE survey, upon which the study is based, and though it isn't super horrible, it does betray a bias in what questions are asked and in how they are asked, sometimes presenting a false dichotomy as the choices for response.

Not saying, its worthless, just take it with a grain of salt, particularly given your predisposition for confirmation bias: 'It fits within my belief system' seems to be saying, 'it is right because it is what i expected to see'.

All of that being said, the relationship i had where i waited the longest lasted all of ~ 2 years. Pretty standard in my exp for length of relationships where it was delayed and where it was not.

Married 15 years. Didn't wait. Go figure.

At the end of the day IMO this is looking really hard for a cause and effect that doesn't seem to be there. At least not given the effort put in so far. Would love to see a clean sample and a better structured survey methodology and the subsequent results.

 

Ooh, thanks for that. Yeah, I hadn't checked any of the studies myself, and I definitely do have a confirmation bias here. My choice is made already for other reasons, regardless of what studies show. My stance wouldn't change even if the the studies showed early sex helped relationships. Because the article fit my belief system, I didn't check its sources at all. Since it was part of the knowledge that reinforced my reasons, I included it.

But I don't want to cite stuff that isn't true either. So thanks for checking me. And sorry for putting out possibly misleading info. I wasn't trying to be intellectually dishonest though. I don't have any respect for those who skew data on purpose to fit what they want to say.

edit: I looked up one of the source articles, and from the abstract their conclusion wasn't mis-stated by the website. But it looks like I can't access the full article without purchasing it. "Both structural equation and group comparison analyses demonstrated that sexual restraint was associated with better relationship outcomes, even when controlling for education, the number of sexual partners, religiosity, and relationship length."
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/fam/24/6/766/