If so, what have you done to cope with communication with your wives? My wife was willing to help me at first, trying to be open about the matter and being willing to do a 90-day reboot. Yes, that worked, but one month after reboot, I relapsed, and during last year I consistently relapsed almost every month. A total of 40 porn sessions on 2021. She said each relapse was like a stab for her and it was hurting our relationship badly. Then, she said she was going to step away, so that I could do this all on my own. Honestly, she wasn't of any help because everytime I relapsed everything was terrible, and I just wanted to relapse more. It sounded like a good idea that she didn't know anything about it, but I'm feeling worse now. So far, I've relapsed 17 times on this 2022. Is it better that she keeps turning a blind eye to this problem? Am I killing my relationship in secrecy?
I’ve done both ways. I have done my best when I regularly worked with a CSAT who wouldn’t work with me unless I was clean, but would charge me. And then was open with my wife about my struggles. The struggles hurt my wife but she understands addiction, so they aren’t stabs at her. What I have found in my own experience and with others: the first time you try to quit needs to be your best time because it only gets harder with each failure. I think your wife is right to distance herself and protect herself from the pain while you address this addiction. Ultimately, this is your struggle to figure out and it’s her job to figure out what role she wants to play in that.
I agree with @ANewFocus that this is your issue that you have to fix. She can be supportive to you if she's able, but the work is all yours. As the wife of a long time PA with numerous relapses, I understand just how she feels. It truly does feel like a stab each time you relapse, and it actually gets worse each time...until the damage and pain get so severe that you just can't take anymore and you either emotionally shut down and disconnect or you leave. This is betrayal trauma. It's what many SO's are faced with when dealing with their partner's addiction. Honestly, she doesn't have to be of any help, and that doesn't mean you get to use it as an excuse. Of course things are terrible every time you relapse because you're further injuring her and making the damage to the relationship worse. Part of recovery is accepting responsibility for your choices and learning healthy ways to cope with difficult times instead of placing blame on others and using it as a way to justify poor choices. I know it's hard for PA's to understand the impact your addiction has on your SO, but oftentimes it is profound. I would bet that your wife stepped away because she felt she had no other choice. Many of us want to be supportive, but when there are relapses after relapses after relapses, it is so tough because it feels like it's all for nothing or that we're just being played for a fool. And, it's especially not helpful if we're getting some of the blame dumped on us for a problem that is 0% our fault. She isn't turning a blind eye. She's suffering. And, besides dealing with your addiction, now she is also having to try to navigate betrayal trauma, too. You need to understand that there are 2 big issues that need resolved now, yours and hers. Fixing the marriage can't really happen until progress is made for both of you, individually. About secrecy, I believe that will kill any relationship eventually, but I don't think your wife was actually wanting secrecy. She likely just didn't want to (or couldn't) handle knowing all the details of your recovery efforts and relapses because it's too much for her. What else are you doing for recovery besides just trying to not act out? Therapy? Accountability partner? Support group? Reading any books or doing any work?
Thankyou for those thoughts @hope4healing you are totally right. I hadn’t thought of it in that way. To be honest I feel hurt, because of my las relapse. I have no one to talk about this topic and I’ve been feeling like I’m drowning with guilty and shame because of my own poor choices. I guess that’s why I was wondering about my wife’s rol in all this. It was very clarifying.
