ive been havin this addiction for 2 years now and im kinda worried. emphasis on "kinda" because im afraid that i might have lost everything. to het things started, i peeked today. i just gave into temptation. and ive seen drawn stuff. not real p because i dont wanna see it. some stuff in there kinda looked off, the girl someone drew felt too young, the legs were kinda short and the face looked young. the character it was drawn off of was like in their twenties though, so i didnt dwell on it. i didnt wanna jerk off to it, i didnt wanna jerk off to potential cp. then, i looked for more, stuff that doesnt seem like cp. i searched for different drawn porn that didint look too young to be bad. and after that, i woke up. i told myself "why are you even looking for this? you wont even jerk off! you will just make it worse! Your gonna make everything your addiction worse!" so i woke up. i quickly closed the window and i felt different i just felt strangely indifferent. i dont know. i just felt numb. i didnt feel shame, guilt, bliss, happiness. just nothing. whenever i think of all the times i looked at a child that goes to my school when i pass by, just to make sure i wasnt aroused by an innocent child, i feel nothing. i dont feel guilt, shame, nothing. at least right now. im kinda getting a grip of myself. i kinda feel bad. i kinda feel some weird sick feeling in my stomach, but nothing much. i dont wanna be aroused by innocent children, be a pedophile, or a rapist. do i? i keep questioning myself. i dont know. i dunno who to trust. the side that says "keep going! resist that temptation. it will feel good for like a split second, but it will punch you in the face once your done. it will inject you with tiny doses of pedophilia and fetishes and leave you to die. dont fall for that trap again! you gonna make everything worse. If you follow and keep falling for the trap, you will be nothing. you will have nothing and be nothing except for pedophilia. your humanity is going away, dont make it worse!" Or the side that says "you are pedophile, its too late. your gonna end up jerking off the child p and your gonna do something bad, something that could traumatize a innocent child for the rest of their life. its too late for you, no use listening to your good side. its over for you, you have peeked and slipped up one too many times and you are officially a monster. you are done for. you are officially a pedophile and you cant really go back." i have no idea who to trust. the side of me that tells me that there is hope, and to keep trying, or the other side that says, fuck it. its over for you. its too late. i dont wanna go through this any longer. im only like in middle school gonna start high school. i have no idea what this will do to me when im an adult or when im older. but i just cant keep living this way. i dont wanna be a pedo when i grow up. this addiction, i dunno. maybe it has twisted my mind to the point that i feel nearly, almost nothing. maybe i need to go to a psychiatrist. they know better than me and can help me. i might just talk to the school counselor about this. i cant stay like this. i cant keep this bottled up inside my head until it festers up and gets worse and worse. ive heard that addiction thrives in secrecy. i have no idea if he specializes in addiction to porn or addiction in general. no idea if he has experience dealing with kids like me. but, i guess you gotta start somewhere. i also might tell my friend about this. im not give her everything all at once, because what im going through is probably way too much for her to handle. we are not really close friends but she has helped me. i might just give her subtle hints about what im going through and grow with her so this friendship strengthens and then ill tell her. is this normal? is what im going through typical for someone like me? i need just comfort or advice right now. is this normal? have any of you gone through this before? just help in anyway you can.
keep moving If you focus too much on the goal that has not yet been achieved, you lose sight of the victories you have won along the way. you know the cp act is wrong. well done. You're looking for ways to get over it. admirable. you found the nofap community. Now you see that you are not alone in this war. life is suffering, and it's fucking hard. you can accept it or not, but it will still be a reality. The only option left is to make yourself strong against adversity. beating pmo is part of becoming strong. you fall seven times, you get up eight. You must measure well the people you are going to trust. confessing your problems to someone face to face can help you a lot. But if you do and that person has a negative reaction, don't be surprised, life is part of it. worthwhile links will stay with you and help you get out of that hole. if they don't help you, so you can see that this relationship isn't worth it. this applies to friends, family, and professional therapists. I can assure you that the most reasonable thing is to consult a professional. but they are also human like you, and they can be wrong. So if one disappoints you, try another. Find a meaning to link your life. I tell you this because it is what has served me. I watched porn since I was 11 years old. of ALL kinds. my mind constantly disintegrating and reintegrating. I am 22 now. I have felt resignation, emptiness, fatigue, ruin, hunger, despair, and delirium. And yet I keep moving. I've been alone, no friends, depressed, unable to hold my head. but the sun always rises at dawn. I will recommend a book called... 12 Rules for Life, of dr. Jordan Peterson. I hope it helps you as it has helped me. These are the rules: Stand up straight with your shoulders back Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping Make friends with people who want the best for you Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient) Tell the truth--or, at least, don't lie Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't Be precise in your speech Do not bother children when they are skateboarding Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street I'm still working on my English, sorry. Good luck.
thanks. though i never had this pedophillia problem before my porn addiction started ramping up. i feel like my pedo thing (i cant believe i said that i feel terrible) has started because of my addiction. normal porn just didnt give me the same rush anymore i guess. though something terrible happened to me months ago that might have fueled it at least a little. there are psychologists at my school so they might help. idk if they can tell anyone though.
In my opinion. P causes trauma to the human soul. The more we indulge ourselves in P and the more vile material we expose ourselves too. not fully understanding how evil it truly is. The more we defile our conscious and heart and corrupt ourselves. I have had the same issue and the only way for me to ever have peace again was to stop lusting after women and exposing myself to P. I also asked God to forgive me and cleanse me of my sin. Faith in God has been the cornerstone of my peace.
I quit porn because porn videos usually don't disclose the age of their actors. Even if ages were disclosed, do you think porn producers would be honest? Are they going to scrap a finished porn video because the actors are 15 years old or are they going to lie and make money like unregulated businesses can do? A porn producer may need alcohol to trick an adult women into a porn video, but would only need 10-cents candy to trick a kid into one.
It will develop into you watching what you said above if you don’t get it in check. I promise you 100% that it will and it probably won’t take more than a couple years. Please get help now. In this case therapy could be a very very good thing for you as what you’re Interested in isn’t just “I watched porn and feel guilty” we all know the repercussions of what that comes with. I hope you can help yourself good luck brother
