His ogling is canceling what he says or tries to do

I really cannot take this anymore. Porn? At least I don't see when he's doing it. Ogling - that happens every time we're in public and there are ANY young women around. The thing is, that he never admits to doing it, and he says he's been working hard at stopping it... Hard HOW??? By switching from outright staring to staring at their reflections in shop windows??? By waiting for me not to look? By thinking I'm not going to notice 5 "glances" in the same direction within the time it takes to say one sentence? I am totally unable to relax when we're in public nowadays. I'm sad all the time. I'm paranoid constantly. I don't even talk while in these situations, and I normally talk and laugh and smile all the time. He says he doesn't notice when he stares/ogles/glances. I don't know what to do and neither does he. Because of this one aspect of his addiction, I don't know how we will survive as a couple. Mainly because this is happening everywhere we go where there are people, and you can't avoid that.

 

The problem with him "taking action" is that he claims not to have any control over what he doesn't even notice he is doing. Drives me nuts! We are going on holiday in two days, and all I can think of is how am I going to survive this for 15 days?!? I won't be able to even react right then and there, because we're going with kids and they have no clue about his PA. They have noticed I have become sadder and more quiet and kind of distant lately, but they don't know why. I know why... Because I'm barely keeping myself sane, when we're out in public. Because I'm constantly on the verge of crying or screaming. Because everywhere we go I see triggers and he falls for them without even realizing (he claims). Because he looks at me NOT like a guy in love, but always with some kind of worry or concern or disappointment or... blank stare. I booked the holiday for us, and made sure we're as far from any beaches as possible, but I know he doesn't need half naked bodies to ogle. All he needs is any young slim female, or even a part of one - seeing skin is a bonus.

 

Good idea. I hope it works, because the kids are so observant it's scary. They will be like "what do you mean *peach*, mama?" ;-)

 

For us it's a bit opposite with the "walk order". I don't want to see his face, when we're in public, because I get too triggered, so I tend to want to walk behind him. I don't want to walk in front of him, because then other triggers will cause me to turn around constantly to see if he is *biting*, as he still often does. So, we're still at the stage of our public outings being excruciatingly unbearable for me... and I guess for him too, since he can see my pain and gets paranoid, which triggers me more. Viscous circle!

 

Yes! I think that's the point. If you watch the video from my signature, "Why Some Sex Addicts Fail", it is apparent to me that 1. He doesn't think his addiction is so bad. 2. He finds excuses for why this or that recovery method isn't good for him. 3. He is too smart or too atheist for some of them. 4. He is LAZY! Etc. etc. I know that if I were not on his case about all of this, he would never seek any recovery help for himself. That's too much responsibility for me, as I have my own healing to do (traumas, PTSD, etc.)

 

I don't know what you were replying to (the whole thread or someone's reply), but yes, Wow, PA can trigger all sorts of traumas in SOs (basically it rips open all old traumas, like childhood sexual abuse or neglect) and sticks a knife in SOs hearts and every trigger, new or old, is like another turn of that knife. It's hell :-(

 

We have been together only a year and a half, but he was single for a few years before, so his acting out must have been way more frequent before we met (he even admitted it was). And yes, he has always ogled while with me. In fact, it was his ogling that led me to discovering his PA. He was very good at hiding it, but not good enough... I still haven't told him how I found out, because he might use that knowledge to hide it in the future, if he ever relapses. So, maybe, because he had to limit his acting out, he started ogling at the same time in order to get his fix, but I don't really know. I suspect he has always been a "looker", because he has developed pretty elaborate ways of ogling, so it means he must have been hiding it for a long time even before meeting me. That kind of behavior doesn't just happen within a few months and unconsciously. He deliberately tries (or tried... if he reads this he will argue it's all subconscious) to hide his ogling, so he knows it's not something I would like, and that to me is proof it is not subconscious. And that's also why I get very upset when he does it.

 

2 P.M. We have been at airports (and flying) for the past 5 hours. Now waiting for another flight... I'm working hard not to get one of my panic attacks. His eyes have been jumping crazy, even though I can see he is trying to make an effort. When is this going to end?!?!?! Sometimes, when I have my sunglasses on and he can't see my eyes, he gives me these very strange glances (horrible really), like he is checking if I'm looking, but kind of angrily almost... like I'm preventing him from ogling.
11:30 P.M. The first day (of 16) of our holidays was very up-and-down for me. I had to work really hard to not turn into a paranoid bitch. At times I was even feeling relaxed, but usually not for long. I also learned something new: no, it's not just young and slim pretty girls, but *anything* from school-aged in short shorts to plump busty sex-bombs. Often it requires either tight clothes, half-showing boobs, pretty face, skinny legs, provocative walk or body language. So basically almost anyone goes, as long as they are remotely sexy or have something remotely sexy on them or about them. So you see my dilemma - it's roughly 20% of the population, including window displays... Yes, even mannequins. I see every time he *reacts*, and it's never ending. He spends 80% of his time in public scanning. I think he is trying (oh how I dislike that word) to make sure he doesn't get triggered... by scanning!!! So obviously, when one spends that much time "out there", they are bound to slip up, especially if they have a SA. The rest of the time is spent on the logistics of walking, eating, getting places, deciding routes, etc. I get zero attention as a woman. I might be asked for our next move or my choice of coffee place, but that's it. Oh yeah, I do get an occasional attempt at affection, but typically somewhat childish and non-sexual. I feel ugly and fat, like a giant blob of lard. I don't want to dress nicely only to have my self esteem slashed even more... so I don't. I don't know if going on holidays together was a good idea after all. I booked it myself, because I wanted to spare him having to explain to everyone why he is not going with us. Maybe I was wrong to worry about that. Maybe I should have worried about myself a bit more.

 

I knoooow, but I don't know how. How do I care for myself, when I feel like crying and crawling under the stone, when we're in public. I really try not to get triggered, but it hurts too much... especially that besides ogling, avoiding ogling, and logistics, he does nothing with me, he never did. I have no clue what •normal• is with him. Seems like an empty void after P.

 

For me it is, again, a bit different. I actually have no real clue what he was into, besides squeezing a few genres out of him, like "Did you watch ___?" "No" "How about ___?" "Yes, some."
I am finding out what he "likes" by what he's ogling... and it seems EVERYTHING. So I get triggered by everything. What I don't get is why he ogles very young girls, I mean obviously underage. I asked him many times if was into illegal P (underage, incest), but he always said NO. Then why does he ogle them? I have a daughter who will be entering puberty soon, so now I get triggered around her being just a little woman around the house. :-(