HOCD, PMO, depression, AGE 16 HELP WILL BE APPRECIATED!

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by SadnLow, Dec 8, 2018.

  1. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Ok so im writing his cause i want to Change my life. (SORRY THIS IS LONG IF YOU READ THIS AND COMMENT IT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED )and be happy again. I’m 16 years old a JR I’m a high school stoner. That does well in school and is also physically active, I power lift. But I’m addicted to porn and it led me to have HOCD. I have been PMOing for about 5 years now. And when I 1st started it was bad like 2-3 times a day. Some times more. But I’ve alwayed did it once a day . When I hit 9th grade I was doing it only once or twice and started to get bored of porn. I used to watch it like it was tv. I would watch anything straight I always liked girls. I’ve dated girls never had any interest in guys like until I started watch porn on a daily I was confident out going like myself. Lately is been horrible I’ve been depressed for 2 years now. Always so sad, I’ve started smoking weed it definitely helps with my anxiety and all that good stuff. As I’m typing this I’m a good 2 blunts in. Anyways, I would always have stomach aces to these intrusive thoughts. I had no desire to go out and fuck dudes, but I thought I was gay cause I was thinking about it and I think the transwoman porn that I got into is the case. But I just want it gone and I relapsed after 4 days my longest is about 12 days but I gave it to the urges :(. Ik I’m not gay but it just freaks me out and puts me in a bad place. Not to mention that I’m super quite and introverted extrovert. Really depnense On the setting. A mojorty of the time I’m in my head and super quiet. Recently I’ve been trying to meditate to help with my HOCD. But they just come in my head and it scared me and I’ll get a gronial response and I don’t want it it will scare the shit outta me and turn my stomach. I read on here that the anxiety can like rush the nerves causing a response in the area. I used to have dreams waking up in cold sweats because of a gay dream I had it was horrible. I had a girlfriend at the time and as I’m happy as I was she always put a smile on my face. It was great but we had a falling out. I have to says the effects where negative. Later I went to a party and lost my virginity to a very attractive girl; I’d have to say a 9/10. We later did it on a daily. But I moved away and she was the closes that I had to a friend. It’s all been a bad Trip. I’ve decided to reach out to here to get rid and keep you guys updated on my progress. And all information you guys can give would be great thank you and have a great day.
     
  2. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    I had to refresh my memory by looking-up HOCD (having intrusive worries about homosexual desires). Maybe the first step would be to disarm the worries? Is there a VOCD ("vanilla obsessive compulsive disorder" - having instrusive worries that you might like vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate ice cream)? Of course there isn't a VOCD, because nobody cares if a person prefers vanilla to chocolate. Why should we care if a man prefers other men over women? So maybe research and meditate on how silly it is in modern society for people to worry about homosexuality. With the worries gone maybe the OCD will go too.

    Another idea is to be mindful of death ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maraṇasati ). Apparently mindfulness of death helps with carnal inclinations. The body is going to die, so why spend so much effort trying to gratify the sensual needs of the body?

    Anyway, hang in there :)
     
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  3. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    @SadnLow , regarding my suggestion of being mindful of death, be careful. I don't think the Buddhists advocate looking a gruesome corpses. I think what they mean is to be keep your inevitable death in mind during your life. Do you want your tombstone to say "Here lies the decomposing body of SadNLow. His greatest achievement was to PMO at least once and maybe several times every day to gratify his body's sexual cravings." I think that is what the Buddhists have in mind.
     
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  4. johndoe117

    johndoe117 Fapstronaut

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    Your mind will clear and you'll understand your wants and needs as you progress in recovery from PMO. I would suggest being mindful of your relationships with your biological Mother and Father. Regardless of your sexual orientation any compulsive sexual acts will leave you unhappy and unfulfilled.
     
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  5. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    I have no urge to go out and act on the thoughts it’s just that they come up all the time and I won’t be think about anything. I tried looking at gay porn and nothing it grossed me out.i used to check all the time to anykind of gronial response and my brain would assume that I’m gay. I’ve been dealin with this for ever. I don’t want to be with men I never had a crush on a guy and I don’t wanna be with men at all. It’s like the HOCD took over my brain and it’s like I’m arguing with my self
     
  6. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    And I have brought it up to my mother and father. Both said they never thought I was gay ir even bi. And I never did until I started to watch transgendered person porn. Like I was so addicted that I need to watch things that are “wrong”. It’s crazy how much porn can duck up your brain
     
  7. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I understand completely. It not that I think I’m gay all the time it’s just that I have moments where I’ll freak out to the thoughts. Sometimes I can disarm them.
     
  8. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    THANK you. I’ve broughr this up and my parents think that I’m just crazy. I told her that Ill get these unwanted thoughts. She asked if I want them or if I want to act out ok this with a dude. I tell her no. Then she will ask if I ever thought I was gay before the whole HOCD. I told her no it wasn’t till after I viewed transwoman\ transgendered person porn.
     
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  9. oukhali99

    oukhali99 Fapstronaut

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    So you get intrusive gay thoughts that cause you to feel aroused. But you aren't gay. That's definitely porn affecting your brain. 3 years ago, I would also get homosexual thoughts that turned me on more than even porn did. But upon meeting up with a dude on grindr, I felt disgusted and just left. You have to understand that when you ejaculate to transwoman porn, your brain immediately associates that transwoman to pleasure, thus rewiring your brain. It dosen't mean you're gay. If you know you're straight then you're straight. My advice, do what I did. Get rid of porn and especially masturbation as your imagination can sometimes create scenes that are even more arousing than porn. Last thing is that I definitely still get homosexual urges but they are easier to resist due to how long it's been since I masturbated.
     
  10. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    The only guys that are into transwoman porn are straight guys. You are fine @SadnLow, you are not gay. Try not to obsess over these irrational and intrusive questions and fears. The key to your recovery is no edging/masturbation; no porn or p/subs; and no ejaculations/orgasms (but wet dreams are no problem). You will get all the support and encouragement you need here buddy.
     
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  11. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    It’s great that I have people that I can relate to cause most people won’t understand. Thanks for the welcome
     
  12. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Yeah but it was never like a “pleasure”. Like how I would get with girls turn on. It would only happen during like and HOCD Attack ( idk if it’s the correct term but it’s like a panic attack) yeah I would never get these until the transwoman porn. When I would go on here most people are the same. The dopamine needs a better high for your brain to get its fix. It’s the whole “ your brain on porn” thing. When I come to think about it, I never had these worries or thought until I started to Obsess over me being gay. Always testing my self. I was always anxious talking other males due to my brain asking me if I think he’s attractive and if I try to fight the thoughts it only makes it worse. Ppl with HOCD or have had it will understand. Thanks for ur time.
     
  13. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Is intercourse with a female Ok or should I put that off until a 90 day reset?
     
  14. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    Good question. You will get different answers to this. Hard mode = no PMO (including Orgasms with partners). This way of doing the challenge brings the quickest and most effective results. If you have a regular sexual partner, you could tell them what you are battling with and ask them to help you by agreeing a few months of no sexual intimacy (it could be longer than 90 days depending on many factors). Some believe their wives or partners would kill them :eek: if they disclosed this information, so get kind of trapped into having sex. However, it still causes a dopamine spike at a time the brain is trying
    to reboot it's reward circuitry and the overstimulation of sexual triggers. So ironically, intercourse will actually give you a craving to masturbate to porn - a chaser effect - for about three days. This is why hard mode is recommended SadnLow. :)
     
  15. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    much appricated. I’m trying to beat pmo and hocd ASAP so hard mode is the way to
    Go. Do wet dreams cause reset?
     
  16. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
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    No, because they are unintentional. But be warned that they can also cause a mild chaser effect for a couple of days, :oops: especially if you remember the dream when you cum. Lying on your side can make them less frequent, according to some.
     
  17. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Day 2 if hardcore mode HOCD is bothering me once again but I’m letting them pass through. Hope everyone has a great day!
     
  18. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Just got done reading this. All I can say is thank you. You are a great human
     
  19. SadnLow

    SadnLow Fapstronaut

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    Day 3: been going well had a bad ocd episode for an hour. But it was split up into different like occurrences. Non the less I was able to clear my mind rationalize the OCD and dismiss the compulsion/ anxiety attack. I’ve never been able to do that so that’s good
     
  20. Hank Moody 99

    Hank Moody 99 Fapstronaut

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    Well sharing to her you'r journey is going to be a good idea or having someone to share you'r struggles.As for HOCD and other I don't what to say dude .Let this encourage you to never go back t porn.Its all going to pull back once you start abstaining but it might take a while.
     

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