How do I let go of the negative feelings?

I don't know, because I'm right there with you.

 

I felt absolutely completely hellishly miserable for 6 months. Truthfully I tried everything to get out of the hole but the only thing that is helping me not feel like the end of the world is an antidepressant. I'm SO anti-drug/surgery/etc but I had to accept I couldn't do it alone, and the books, therapy, friendships and wine weren't enough to get me back on track. It's been roller coaster but now at least I don't feel immediately disgusted by him or my triggers. Maybe something to consider. I don't want you or anyone to hav to suffer through the pain.

 

Hi, I’m new here, and I could have written this myself.
I have no answers to contribute, as I’m a mix of anger and sadness currently.
I’m glad you shared this because lately I find myself stuck in horribly negative places. I want to help my husband, I want to get through this...but I can’t just pretend like nothing happened and be all cheery.
*sigh*

 

I wish I knew too. I feel your pain. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I still feel inconsolable at times over my hubs infidelities. How can the man you love so much hurt you so badly, right? I know all the PAs say 'don't take it personally', 'it's not about you' etc etc. But it is about us. I practically begged my husband to want me. To be intimate with me. Instead he was PAYING to masturbate. He would rather part with hundreds of dollars for a wank then have has sex with me for free. How can we not take this personally? It's a direct assault on us whether we were the target or not. It cuts so deep that although the wound may heal, the skin will never be the same. There will always be the ugly scar of porn in our lives.
I'm so sorry for you and every SO that feels less than the beautiful person they are because of this awful disease.
Hugs to you all xx

 

How long has it been for you?

 

I'm at the same place. I want to be rational and accept that it doesn't have anything to do with me, and it hurts even more when my husband says things like "it looks like you don't want to let it go". It's horrible.

 

In the same boat...currently struggling with sadness, anger, rejection. Have no idea how to move past it. Things keep triggering those feelings and bringing me right back.

 

As long as he doesn't trigger me, I'm OK.
I don't usually trigger environmental or internal now...
So after two years or getting close anyways...
I'm only triggered by him being a asshole.
I'm going to say....
It gets better with time.
And hopefully, however smart your man is.

 

As a person brand new to ALL of this....this is heartbreaking to see. I hate being miserable now, how can i be comfortable knowing I most likely will be six months from now as well? And how could a person do anything so awful to create such an environment of hurt and sadness and insecurity to another person, especially to one they love.

 

Today, my husband ate all of the tomatoes I had just told him I was going to make a salad with.
My response? Tears. Seriously? He offered to go to the store and get more and I said “no, I don’t *want* new tomatoes. I want to feel heard. I want to be respected.”
It was not at all about the stupid tomatoes. It is about the extended bathroom trips STILL. Its about the fact that we aren’t having sex and I know what that means. Our “D day” was a little over 5 mos ago and I am not feeling like either of us are healing/progressing separately and we are certainly not healing together.
I ended up back here tonight because I am stuck in this space. These negative feelings that I can’t even seem to express to him when I lose composure over tomatoes.
Not only did he hurt me, lie to me, essentially cheat on me, he is also relapsing, and doing nothing about it.
How do you pull out of the funk when its like this?

 

Good morning from Crete! This is the start of my 68th PM-free day, and this thread is the first I'll try to post, which hurts me very much!
It hurts me, because I've hurt my wife and all of you got hurt by your husbands.
I know, we are as#$@%&holes!
But I didn't do it to hurt my wife! It was a step-by-step, inch-by-inch slide!
I saw P for first time when I was 10 years old, from magazines other older boys were proudly showing me and my classmates.
It continued in the seaside (living in Crete) where very beautiful young ladies from allover the world were swimming topless! And they were so many and so beautiful! And we liked them very much! Some of my classmates had sexual experiences very early!
As teenager all our female classmates had the need to show they were also sexy and beautiful, with the wrong way... by trying to show more skin, acting more "available" and being dressed with less and less than those ladies! We thought "Hey!! All women are available for us!"
Then marketing understood the power that a woman with great sex appeal has to the audience and started using it more and more! So every young man could see sexy and available women everywhere!
Being a boyfriend or a husband of a beautiful lady, won't stop those triggers! And if that man doesn't have the ability to recognize the P trap (like me) then it's very possible that he WILL smash his head, his emotions, his wife's feelings, his marriage, his family, his life on the rock bottom, or as I experienced, his Ground Zero Point, and then as a wounded ghost of himself will try to gather what is left from his life and start building it again!
In that slide, my self was accelerating day-by-day. My wife was telling me where I was! My momentum overshoot my breaking-abilities!
My Ground Zero Point reached!
Everyone was hurt! Everyone!
My wife had the lion's share of hurt! She was devastated! I was supposed to protect her!
I did fail! On the most important aspect of a man, who wanted to live his life as a Man of Honour!
There were two roads in front of us:
1. She was free to go. I would take every blame!
2. She was free to stay. I (that wounded ghost of me) would build our lives again! From Ground Zero Point! From an ancient Greek tragedy!
And a great new journey of winning my girl back, my wife and my family got started. In the same time I cannot accept failure because of the ruins of my self!
In all this slide my wife was there unable to do anything. She was not supposed to do anything! She should be the only one! Yes!
I wasn't a Man of Honour! Not to blame on herself!

 

I want to add to the above that my wife is the only woman I have been physically with and I hope I wrote my emotions correctly, because English is not my mother language!

Thank you for reading it! Have a great weekend!!

 

I think you need to set up boundaries (and consequences) for P use that you and your husband agree on. The below thread should be able to help you.

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/lets-talk-about-boundaries.109686/

 

I appreciate the link to the boundaries discussion.
We need to revisit it. We had a whirlwind of stuff come up just after D day (I had a baby the next week, we’ve moved twice, he began a new job) and now that we are settling in our home I am finding that not only has he backslid a ton, our communication has gone off the tracks. All of that would be rough enough if we were strong. Its all I can do to stop myself from asking him for separate rooms lately.
Right now I don’t know how to even talk to him. Hence me crying over stupid tomatoes.

 

I'm struggling with this a lot too. I can't help but look at myself and think "well of course your husband can't maintain a boner. No wonder he'd rather PMO than be with me." He spent years validating those feelings by not trying, defending PMO and his strong preference for thin women. Recently he started doing what he needs to do. He's not PMO or looking at other women in front of me. It doesn't change that I'm not what he thinks about or really wants.
It's been 2.5 weeks since his last time. After years of rejection and many nights of crying, I imagine it'll just take more time.

 

Healing comes through Mindset


Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we think/react to our circumstances...


The truth is that even after 3 +years after discovery I still struggle and have my bad days. Sometimes I let my insecurities get the best of me. But that is exactly it...they are MY insecurities and it is MY responsibility to own them and work on them.


PA is HIS. While it may have irritated my already existing insecurities, he did not create them.


When I put my faith and happiness in someone else’s hands, they will fail me every time. It’s not someone else’s job or responsibility to make me happy, make me feel loved or validated all the time. They are just not capable.


Refuse to let someone else’s issues or PA dictate your happiness or self worth. We are only limited by ourselves. We need to change our mindset if we want true healing. We ARE worthy (and so are they).


If we just drown in our negative thoughts we will only make ourselves miserable, angry, resentful. All of this is counter productive to healing.


In order to heal we have to learn how to forgive (that doesn’t mean trust or forget). By forgiving we are allowing ourselves the room to heal.


We didn’t choose this pain or path but we CAN choose healing! We have to choose it daily though until it becomes second nature.


It’s okay to have bad days just don’t allow yourself to stay there!

You are a strong and beautiful real life woman! Know it, own it, live it!

 

Thank you very Very much for sharing these great thoughts!!