How I overwon a horrible urge today - and my lifestory in between (day 32, male, 27 y, Belgium)

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by Tiberius19, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. Tiberius19

    Tiberius19 New Fapstronaut

    Today I reached a low point, but I stayed strong and did not masturbate. It's day 32 now of no porn, masturbation, orgasm. I'll explain later why I started this, but first let me tell you about what happened today.

    It started with the old classic mistake of 'just watching a little bit'. Anyway, after clicking some links on a site I won't name to try not trigger anyone, I found some old underage nudity movie scenes. I watched a couple of them. Since I'm a high school teacher myself, I find this is absolutely unethical. Believe me, I am not a pedophile or have ever been particularly attracted to underaged girls. But internetporn has really - I apologize for my language - f*ed my brain up. When I watched porn, I always watched stuff I would never even consider doing in real life. I guess however I'm not the only one, since many of these videos have been watched millions of times. Porn truly is a repulsive thing which, as Mr. Trump would say, affects billions and billions people worldwide.

    But this story is about me. Let me tell you a little bit about myself and why I started nofap. Being born in 1992, I've had unlimited access to internetporn from about the age of 13/14. I was hooked immediately. The first time I noticed something was wrong, was when I was 19 years old. It was the day I would lose my virginity. I met this sweet, attractive girl on a party. She just broke up with her boyfriend and I guess she needed some rebound. Being 19 and... being 19, I was more than willing to be her rebound for a night and was ready to become a man.

    However, when we got in bed, nothing happened. I simply could not get 'it' up. At first I had no idea why, and was very mad, disappointed and confused with myself. My self-esteem really took a hard hit and I thought something was seriously wrong with me. A bit later I made the realization that I watched hard-core porn that morning. Like I did everyday.

    So I made the connection and yet, I could not stop watching porn. I've never heard of Nofap at that time, and simply continued the addiction. The same year, I got a girlfriend. I was spending the summer with her, and for the first time in years I did not watch porn for a couple of weeks. The erectile disfunction went away quickly, I just graduated high school, was going to an university the next year and made love with a beautiful girl all day for weeks.

    The first year of university (economics) I got my own little studio. Tiny, noisy neighbors, expensive - but finally relieved from the tiranical oppression of my mom (my mom is great, but that was the view of a 19 year old testosterone factory). This is when it all went bad very quickly. Life started and with it freedom, many parties and I made many friends. Very soon I started drinking at every social occasion (which I had one every day). I became an alcoholic. That was not how I saw it at the time, but later in life I realized I get very easily addicted to, well, everything that is slightly addictive.

    Thank god I never started doing any hardrugs (though alcohol might very well be considered one). But the alcohol really became problematic. I dropped out of university two years later - and my girlfriend dumped me after a relationship of almost three years. Now I don't blame her at all. In fact, we had a very good talk a short time ago at a high school reunion. But boy, did I saw myself as a victim back then. I was 21, the alcohol problem got much worse and so did the porn addiction. For about a half year I did nothing but masturbate, drink and play video games.

    At the age of 22 I started university (this time law) again. I was quite disappointed with myself I dropped out - I thought I was capable and wanted to prove to myself I could do it. So I stopped drinking and started studying again. Soon I found a new girlfriend. The porn addiction got a bit less bad (though I watched porn in secret that whole relationship long), until about two years later at the end of the relation. I started watching porn a lot more, which triggered my alcoholproblem. And the cycle started again. Soon I broke up with her, because I was bored with her. I simply preferred 'perfect', fake internet woman above her, especially after she gained some weight and I found her not as attractive as when we started dating. The day before we broke up, I cheated for the first time of my life. I am not proud of that person I was back then. She deserved better. I take full responsibility for what happened, but still, watching porn daily was a major influence on the whole situation.

    This was about the time I started learning about NoFap. I was 23, finally became somewhat of an adult and started taking some responsibility. I realized I was quite unhappy with my life and started to make some serious changes. I switched my study once more and became a language teacher. I really enjoy teaching and have been doing it for three years now. First as an intern, now as a part time job. I truly found my life goal. Anyway, I realized alcohol was a major problem, so I got into therapy for it, a huge step. I always thought somehow I wouldn't need it because I was intelligent enough to help myself. This is ofcourse utter nonsense. I needed only a couple of sessions - and a whole lot of discipline. I started reading about alcohol addiction daily, and though it really was a struggle, I am proud to say that I overcame it completely. I didn't drink for months. Now, I still drink sometimes, but only during weekends after football and never lot. Like a 'normal person' I guess. I never want to go back to that dark place, ever.

    So let's wrap this lifestory up. I was 23 now, watched porn daily, and met a truly stunning woman. Like me, she was 23 and like me, she just started to study to become a teacher. I fell in love madly. So did she with me. After a very romantic night, we ended up in bed. And guess what? Again, nothing. There I lay, just like that 19 year old boy, hating myself and my stupid porn addiction. So I did something really stupid. Instead of dealing with it the hard way, I orded some cheap, fake small blue pills. Yes it worked the second time me and her ended up in bed, but I couldn't ejaculate. It all felt wrong - and she noticed. Neither of us enjoyed the sex at all. I didn't tell her and she just ended up not feeling attracted te me anymore. I learned that day there are no short-cuts in life. If you want change, you got to work.

    So I really started trying NoFap. It worked to an extent. My longest streak yet is a month (I reached this now and a two times before) However I ended up watching porn maybe 5% of what I did before. So instead of 8 times a day, a couple of times a week. My erectile disfunction has been gone for about 3 years now. I have an absolutely incredible girlfriend now for about two years now and a very steady relationship.

    Since August however, I started watching porn a lot again. I think it's because I'm under quite some stress to finish my study this year (finally). So I started no pmo and today I overcame an all time low of watching really unethical stuff. I did not masturbate however. How did I overcome my urges? Writing this for the last two hours. I want to stay clean for forty days. Then I will try to go back to a healthy sexual relationship, without porn.

    I want to thank all who have been writing and sharing on this forum. It truly has been a great help to me many times. If I should post this somewhere else, since it actually is my first post, please let me know. I hope my story may help anyone in any way and if not, at least it helpt me by writing it. Please feel free to ask me anything. It's about time I contribute to this great community. Thanks for reading and stay strong.
  2. StoneyTrevor

    StoneyTrevor Fapstronaut

    You’ve come a long way and it took a lot to get where you are now, we each have a story to tell and it feels great to support what you have gotten yourself to achieve

    We support you lots
  3. pcmaster

    pcmaster Fapstronaut

    Great story. Sure alcohol and porn really were pushing brakes on your life. But despite that, you were really lucky with girls and longterm relationships. At least good that you didn't become addicted to gaming in the longterm.
    Start your counter today and don't watch porn so that all your days count cause God is watching you, man.
  4. evenprincehaveproblems

    evenprincehaveproblems Fapstronaut

    i would be glad to ask a few questions:
    1. what do you think about your addiction to video games ? ( i assume you have it)
    i mean: do you think that the nature of video games, that push you to do a little-creative things like explore, solve easy-to-medium riddles, fight, progress your charchter ect ect - is good for you ? or do you think that it's like a trap for you to keep your addictive behavior ?
    is it a honey trap, or a way out ?

    2. how do you overcome your urges ? is it the memories of you personal history that makes you take a stand and say no more, or is it stuff like throwing your computer (just an example) ect ?

    stay strong. in the day 55 it will fill much easier. from my experience.

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