How I overwon a horrible urge today - and my lifestory in between (day 32, male, 27 y, Belgium)

Today I reached a low point, but I stayed strong and did not masturbate. It's day 32 now of no porn, masturbation, orgasm. I'll explain later why I started this, but first let me tell you about what happened today.

It started with the old classic mistake of 'just watching a little bit'. Anyway, after clicking some links on a site I won't name to try not trigger anyone, I found some old underage nudity movie scenes. I watched a couple of them. Since I'm a high school teacher myself, I find this is absolutely unethical. Believe me, I am not a pedophile or have ever been particularly attracted to underaged girls. But internetporn has really - I apologize for my language - f*ed my brain up. When I watched porn, I always watched stuff I would never even consider doing in real life. I guess however I'm not the only one, since many of these videos have been watched millions of times. Porn truly is a repulsive thing which, as Mr. Trump would say, affects billions and billions people worldwide.

But this story is about me. Let me tell you a little bit about myself and why I started nofap. Being born in 1992, I've had unlimited access to internetporn from about the age of 13/14. I was hooked immediately. The first time I noticed something was wrong, was when I was 19 years old. It was the day I would lose my virginity. I met this sweet, attractive girl on a party. She just broke up with her boyfriend and I guess she needed some rebound. Being 19 and... being 19, I was more than willing to be her rebound for a night and was ready to become a man.

However, when we got in bed, nothing happened. I simply could not get 'it' up. At first I had no idea why, and was very mad, disappointed and confused with myself. My self-esteem really took a hard hit and I thought something was seriously wrong with me. A bit later I made the realization that I watched hard-core porn that morning. Like I did everyday.

So I made the connection and yet, I could not stop watching porn. I've never heard of Nofap at that time, and simply continued the addiction. The same year, I got a girlfriend. I was spending the summer with her, and for the first time in years I did not watch porn for a couple of weeks. The erectile disfunction went away quickly, I just graduated high school, was going to an university the next year and made love with a beautiful girl all day for weeks.

The first year of university (economics) I got my own little studio. Tiny, noisy neighbors, expensive - but finally relieved from the tiranical oppression of my mom (my mom is great, but that was the view of a 19 year old testosterone factory). This is when it all went bad very quickly. Life started and with it freedom, many parties and I made many friends. Very soon I started drinking at every social occasion (which I had one every day). I became an alcoholic. That was not how I saw it at the time, but later in life I realized I get very easily addicted to, well, everything that is slightly addictive.

Thank god I never started doing any hardrugs (though alcohol might very well be considered one). But the alcohol really became problematic. I dropped out of university two years later - and my girlfriend dumped me after a relationship of almost three years. Now I don't blame her at all. In fact, we had a very good talk a short time ago at a high school reunion. But boy, did I saw myself as a victim back then. I was 21, the alcohol problem got much worse and so did the porn addiction. For about a half year I did nothing but masturbate, drink and play video games.

At the age of 22 I started university (this time law) again. I was quite disappointed with myself I dropped out - I thought I was capable and wanted to prove to myself I could do it. So I stopped drinking and started studying again. Soon I found a new girlfriend. The porn addiction got a bit less bad (though I watched porn in secret that whole relationship long), until about two years later at the end of the relation. I started watching porn a lot more, which triggered my alcoholproblem. And the cycle started again. Soon I broke up with her, because I was bored with her. I simply preferred 'perfect', fake internet woman above her, especially after she gained some weight and I found her not as attractive as when we started dating. The day before we broke up, I cheated for the first time of my life. I am not proud of that person I was back then. She deserved better. I take full responsibility for what happened, but still, watching porn daily was a major influence on the whole situation.

This was about the time I started learning about NoFap. I was 23, finally became somewhat of an adult and started taking some responsibility. I realized I was quite unhappy with my life and started to make some serious changes. I switched my study once more and became a language teacher. I really enjoy teaching and have been doing it for three years now. First as an intern, now as a part time job. I truly found my life goal. Anyway, I realized alcohol was a major problem, so I got into therapy for it, a huge step. I always thought somehow I wouldn't need it because I was intelligent enough to help myself. This is ofcourse utter nonsense. I needed only a couple of sessions - and a whole lot of discipline. I started reading about alcohol addiction daily, and though it really was a struggle, I am proud to say that I overcame it completely. I didn't drink for months. Now, I still drink sometimes, but only during weekends after football and never lot. Like a 'normal person' I guess. I never want to go back to that dark place, ever.

So let's wrap this lifestory up. I was 23 now, watched porn daily, and met a truly stunning woman. Like me, she was 23 and like me, she just started to study to become a teacher. I fell in love madly. So did she with me. After a very romantic night, we ended up in bed. And guess what? Again, nothing. There I lay, just like that 19 year old boy, hating myself and my stupid porn addiction. So I did something really stupid. Instead of dealing with it the hard way, I orded some cheap, fake small blue pills. Yes it worked the second time me and her ended up in bed, but I couldn't ejaculate. It all felt wrong - and she noticed. Neither of us enjoyed the sex at all. I didn't tell her and she just ended up not feeling attracted te me anymore. I learned that day there are no short-cuts in life. If you want change, you got to work.

So I really started trying NoFap. It worked to an extent. My longest streak yet is a month (I reached this now and a two times before) However I ended up watching porn maybe 5% of what I did before. So instead of 8 times a day, a couple of times a week. My erectile disfunction has been gone for about 3 years now. I have an absolutely incredible girlfriend now for about two years now and a very steady relationship.

Since August however, I started watching porn a lot again. I think it's because I'm under quite some stress to finish my study this year (finally). So I started no pmo and today I overcame an all time low of watching really unethical stuff. I did not masturbate however. How did I overcome my urges? Writing this for the last two hours. I want to stay clean for forty days. Then I will try to go back to a healthy sexual relationship, without porn.

I want to thank all who have been writing and sharing on this forum. It truly has been a great help to me many times. If I should post this somewhere else, since it actually is my first post, please let me know. I hope my story may help anyone in any way and if not, at least it helpt me by writing it. Please feel free to ask me anything. It's about time I contribute to this great community. Thanks for reading and stay strong.