Hello guys, I'm on a quest to get rid of porn, but, as many of us must know, what we mean by porn is not actually a video, a picture or a site called xhamster. It is the nasty shit that happens in your brain, probably by using the aforementioned things. So, some things that happen with porn addicts is that we carry the porn inside our minds, and can access it anywhere. Think of it as an gigantic 9999999 terabyte hard disk cyberpunked wired inside your brain, containing all porn you ever watched. Having said that, now it comes the actual problem. Most porn addicts have copulatory impotence (gets hard to porn, does not get hard with real people), and there's a dangerous trick to circumnavigate this problem.... Remember that hard disk inside your mind I just told you about? just close your eyes and imagine porn. Bring the porn to your real encounter, and you may achieve an erection. And that IS using porn, withouth a PC or magazine or whatever. And we carry it with us anytime. And we have a terrific excuse to use it: Failing to perform in sex is a disaster. What are your views about this? I'm trying to get rid of porn, but I often need to have sex, which I use this "mind HD" to. How to avoid that?
I went through that. Everyone quitting has to learn that porn is not just porn. The good news is that you can get through it too. You are at where I was in the final quitting stage. You need to focus on your partner, I mean really focus on her. Plan on foreplay. Draw that out. If it's usually 15 minutes, plan on making it 30. Focus on the woman before, I mean really, really focus. Plan on focusing. Part of not thinking about porn during sex is planning on focusing on your partner before and during sex. You cannot allow yourself to think of porn during sex, even if this means you have performance difficulties. I think you have to expect performance difficulties initially, but eliminate porn from your life, from your brain, and definitely do not think of it during sex, think only of your partner. Keep your eyes open and look at her. It took me probably a month before I became confident that I could have sex without porn in my brain, but once I made that decision I never went back. Now I have regular sex, two, three times a week, and is good. I don't access that porn HD ever. Especially during sex. It is a tough choice, but you have to consciously make the decision not to access the HD during sex, even if, at first, it means your sexual experience is challenging and not immediately gratifying. Real sex cannot compete with porn for a dopamine release, so you have to understand that, accept that, embrace that. Real sex is good; porn is just drug abuse. Once you get porn out of your brain, quit accessing your HD during sex, well, it will take you about 30 days and then real sex will be the thing that works for you. During that period though, expect some performance issues, as your brain transitions from the porn button to the sex button to get its dopamine fix. Hope this helps. Good luck on your journey.
Hello, thanks for the reply. It really is as bad as I thought: Don't use the HD trick to perform in sex, just fail if that is what it takes to long term success. The long foreplay is a great idea, though! And more tips on this issue guys?
Do meditation. That has helped me immensely in all aspects of my recovery from my porn addiction. If you learn to meditate you will naturally be present with your girl and not a skanky computer image in your mind. Also William is right about increased foreplay, but you have to find the foreplay enjoyable because you are actively engaged in the present moment and with her. Above all try to relax. If you hang in there and stay away from the porn the images will fade with the passage of time.
Quick question: You mentioned meditation in the reply above. How do I do that? Any tips on how to learn to meditate?
Hi, have a look at these two threads and see if they give you a feel for what meditation... http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2533-Meditation http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2532-Permission-to-Fail&highlight=meditation http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthre...on-will-help-you-with-NoFap-and-quitting-porn I hope that helps?
Meditation is experience without abstractions. I highly recommend you watch this video if you're trying to understand meditation. It's somewhat long, but it's the best explanation of meditation anywhere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1rlF5SMbh4
Hi Harrison. The way I learned is the Buddhist "meditation on the breath". 1. Sit in a chair or cross-legged. I sit "Indian-style" with a couple pillows under my butt (not under my legs.) This makes sitting longer more comfortable. 2. Clear your mind of thoughts and focus on the in and out sensation of breathing. 3. When your mind wanders, focus on your breathing again. That's it in a nutshell and I know it sounds too simple to help but it really does. It has helped me in the following ways: 1. I enjoy everyday life more. Simple pleasures (sights, smells) are more real seeming. I think this is because meditation trains the mind to pay attention to what is happening now. Which helps with being attracted to your actual mate, it did with me. 2. Impulse control is better because I feel the changes in my body to sexual stimuli (let's face it we are going to be subjected to this in our culture) and can identify them quicker before they go too far in my thoughts. 3. Control of my thoughts. I now am starting to see my thoughts as something that I can choose to have or not. If I have sexual thoughts I can identify these for what they are, that they not good if not in the proper time and circumstance (with/toward my wife) and choose to think of something else. These changes have been gradual over time, you've got to stick with it for a while. I expect these benefits to increase as I continue meditating.
If you're curious about meditation, this video introduction and faq can be a good intro to the topic. The video is only 6 mins, at 5.30 he touches briefly on dealing with fantasy. http://shambhala.org/meditation/index.php The shambhala.org website also has a search function to locate groups all over North America and the world where they hold weekly open houses and give free meditation instruction. People from any (or no) religious background are welcome. I've found meditation training helpful with the challenge of turning off the internal porn movie both while having sex and otherwise throughout the course of a day.
You might look into karezza for the early part of your reboot. It helped me immensely. Really focus on your penis and the sensation there. And resolve yourself to healing. You just have to learn to accept the fact that during this reboot, sometimes you may have a raging erection. And sometimes you won't. You can still kiss, cuddle, fondle, perform oral sex, etc. Don't allow your brain to go to fantasy at all during sex. You HAVE to re-condition your erection to respond to your partner.
I find this thread very helpful--esp. what William said!! In addition to "accessing the porn HD during sex, I have also often fantasised about other women while having sex with my partner--also in part to help get a better erection. I always felt bad afterwards though, as if I was cheating on my partner! Any thoughts about this? By the way, I just signed up with NoFap yesterday and this is my FIRST post. I am so happy to have found this group of people who are struggling like me to become free of this crippling addiction!! Thank you all for your efforts and support!!
Hello Ed_Brazil, I am just going through copulatory impotence. Not impotence, but... weaker than desired. I would suggest : --- Sex should be done in a relaxed way. No tensions before; if possible no quickies --- Cuddling , petting help a lot before sex. It helps you to switch your brain from porn on your partner
Great question, and good analogy. It's one of the main reasons I'm trying to ditch PMO. 22 Days so far. My significant other does not know about my PMO issue, so we've continued to have sex a couple of times a week during my reboot. Yeah, I realize this may cause it to take longer, but I don't want her to know, so I'm doing what I have to do. Even so, I'm forcing myself not to fantasize during sex. Trying not to, is probably more accurate. First couple of times it was tough, and stray thoughts and images forced their way in. Last time, for the first time in a very long time, we had sex and I did not even get a chance to fantasize. The physical sensations felt so good I could hardly concentrate, and I thought I was going to ejaculate prematurely. I have exactly the opposite problem 90% of the time, and have rarely climaxed during sex since falling into the PMO trap. I really hope this continues. Right now, that 9999999 terabyte drive in my mind is locked down tightly. Wish there was a way to reformat it, though...
I am in the same process now with my partner, striving to focus ONLY on her during sex, and also when I'm alone and indulging in a bit of "edging". It's getting easier with time--esp. because I'm getting close to 3 weeks without any porn input!! I have a great relationship with her and am for the first time in my life, completely open with my partner concerning my lifelong struggle with porn and fapping. She is very supportive and helpful!! Every time I have relapsed in the past several months since opening up to her, she has supported and encouraged me. This is so amazing and helpful and I REALLY recommend this openness to everyone who has a partner!!
You need to practice connecting with reality. Not just in the context of sex and your partner, but with everyday stuff to. We spend so much time day dreaming, we do it be default, but if you just open your eyes you'll be amazed. Look around you, notice what's there. Notice it's tactile qualities - is it smooth, rough, soft, etc.? Would it hurt if you banged your head on it? Sounds silly, but this is the REALITY of stuff and practising this direct connection, practising not day-dreaming will really help you focus on your GF in bed. You have to train your mind to focus on reality. Equally I find it helps noticing the stuff in your environment that reminds you of your life, your girlfriend's life, your life together... the book on the shelf, what does that tell you about who she is as a person? That kitchen gadget you bought together, does it remind you of something you have in common? etc. Focus on your personalities and how you relate, that's why your together after all. All this stuff will help, believe me.
