How to deal with fantasy during intercourse

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  1. How do you view fantasy when engaging in intercourse with your spouse? For example, is it ever ok to fantasize during sex (imagining another scene/person) which may be needed to achieve a high enough arousal to climax? Do you feel like you need to do whatever it takes to achieve your own physical satisfaction? I struggle between my values and what I sometimes simply think of as physiology. But that may be my addict talking/thinking.
     
  2. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Interesting question.

    Fantasy and sexual addiction can be a dangerous combination. Sometimes even fantasies which are totally fine and appropriate (for example fantasizing about one's spouse) can get out of hand.

    But you are asking about fantasies during sex. I have, for example, fantasized during intercourse about my wife and I doing it in some exotic location, or under some more exciting circumstances. Imagining that you're at the beach when you're actually in your bed seems like something nobody would object to. I have also fantasized about her doing things for me that I have asked for, but that she is hesitant to do - for example engage in some "dirty talk". It's just not something she's comfortable with, but I find very desirable (probably as a result of too much porn). So sometimes I will imagine her saying something that I wish she would say. This is a bit more of a gray area, but not something that I would say is necessarily problematic.

    But - to imagine another person, or to recreate and remember a porn scene, I think that is both problematic and unhealthy - and probably a result of conditioning by PMO. It's like a mental form of "deathgrip", where one can only climax in a particular way. My goal, at least, is to have sex be a vehicle for greater emotional intimacy, not an end unto itself, and I think that fantasies like this would only be a deterrent to that.

    Also, I wonder about your saying that somebody might do this "to achieve a high enough arousal to climax" or "to do whatever it takes to achieve your own physical satisfaction". Shouldn't the primary goal of intercourse be the other person's physical satisfaction and climax? I can see a guy trying to justifying fantasy as a need to get hard enough to satisfy his wife (not that I would necessarily buy the argument, but I can understand it) - but to say it's a necessary ingredient to one's own satisfaction seems a bit selfish.

    Have you considered trying Karezza? Or perhaps a hard mode reboot?
     
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  3. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

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  4. @Tannhauser thanks for the info, it certainly is a very simple and healthy thing to do, instead of trying to reach O at all costs.
     

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