How to reestablish sex life

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Dispo, May 3, 2021.

  1. Dispo

    Dispo Fapstronaut


    I guess, I'm on the road to recovery for around 3 years now.
    The last 1,5 years, I've done pretty will, living without porn, except for a few relapses.

    I live in a relationship for 7 years now and I struggle to find a way back into a normal sex life, whatever that would mean exactly. Well, I guess I know roughly, what that means to me: Sexual intereaction as two people, as subjects ... with abusing each other as objects. That's what sex was like the first couple of years: I would either dress my girlfriend the way I wanted it or think about stuff that turned me on, during sex. Means ... it was no real interaction.

    So, the ideal scenario for sex would be: We both are naked and our thoughts are on the current situation and on one another.

    One problem is, that "just a naked body" doesn't turn me on at all. I guess I could learn ... to be turned on by that. But we sort of tried that and ... it didn't work too well. I rely so heavily on my fantasies.

    So for a while we tried to just cuddle naked and not put so much attention on genitalia. But somehow it's time to to somehow get back to penetration etc. ... or, whatever is normal. I really don't know. I kinda feel lost but avoiding sex forever cannot be the solution.

    We will find a way. But maybe someone here has further experience on the subject and wants to share.

    Maybe I should add more concrete questions for you to share your experience:

    How did you reestablish sex life?
    How long did it take?
    What was the problems?
    Last edited: May 7, 2021
    Lilla_My and Inconcievable like this.
  2. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

    I feel like there are a couple of questions here

    1. ED. If you're having ED issues after 1.5 years of porn sobriety, I would see a doctor. It seems you can get an erection, but can't sustain. Again, see a medical professional

    2. Fantasizing. If you're fantasizing to get an erection or get through sex with your partner, it's not a lot different than using pornography. It takes you out of the present as you know.

    3. Not being attracted to your partner. This is something to talk to a therapist or your partner about. It's entirely possible you're simply not physically attracted. or it could be related to items 1&2
  3. I agree with @Trobone that relying on fantasies is keeping your brain stuck in the addiction. If you're not there with her mentally, you can't work on creating intimacy, and that's a big part of a good, normal sex life IMO.

    Also, have you talked to her honestly about all of this? Does she know about your addiction/recovery?
  4. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

    Are you attracted to her physically? does she turn you on? does she do stuff to turn you on?
    Try telling her to dress like you want in your fantasies and see how it goes, if she is happy to help she would definitevely would do that.
    greenishmoon likes this.
  5. Inconcievable

    Inconcievable Fapstronaut

    Sounds like you might just be asexual. Would you avoid sex forever if you could? Is sex a source of frustration because it's like a burden in the relationship and you don't know how to do your share?

    I might be overreaching, but perhaps you were leaning on porn to figure out what you're "supposed to do." If you're asexual, you don't have to pretend you're not. Would you ever tell a gay person they need to pretend they aren't gay? You deserve the same freedom to be yourself.

    Ask yourself how much money you'd be willing to spend to solve this problem, then spend 10% of that on a therapist to help you work out the details. I'm rooting for you.
  6. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    How old are you? If you started with porn young, your perception of sexuality could be pointing to a bad place and that can be what you're expriencing.
    I think it would be illogical to think you are asexual as the user above said. I can think of other reasons why you feel that way: emotional response to past experiences and attachment issues, over use of porn, masturbation or drugs which mess up with your motivations, or even depression about other areas of your life.

    My advice is to keep with the abstinence and to see a therapist.
  7. Dispo

    Dispo Fapstronaut

    Okay, I should clear up some things, I just didn't want to roll out my whole life on this topic:
    Yes, we talked about this excessively and she was actually the one who initiated my recovery process.

    I have also seen therapists before and to cut it short I'm pretty much done with professionals.

    I kinda relate to that statement in my current situation. But I would've never ever made the conclusion being asexual. Right now I'm experimenting a bit with masturbation: Turning bad fantasies into good ones sort of.

    I've pushed back my bad fantasies a lot. Yet, to get in a sexual mood, I wood probably have to make use of them a little bit. Part of the reason for that is probably because I used porn long before I had real sex.

    My goal is tho to overwrite those fantasies with real experiences that get more and more dominant over time. (so rewire)

    On the topic of physical attraction:

    I dunno, if that is the question or at least it's a bit difficult to answer. I know that a lot of men would find her physically attractive and I used to do so, as long as I could like ... "play with her as a toy". But at some point she felt like I was not "seeing her anymore", that it's not about her as a person and that das probably right.

    So pure physical sex is probably a component but it's just the first layer in terms of possible depth. Or to put it in the chakra tradition: Physical sex is sex just using the first chakra and abandon all other 6.

    Also physical attraction fades. Two 80 years olds probably have different reason for sex than physical attraction. (no, we're not 80 ^^ I'm 33 and my gf 48)

    Maybe I should add more concrete questions for you to share your experience:

    How did you reestablish sex life?
    How long did it take?
    What was the problems?


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