How to remove obsession of having a partner?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Ghabbbyyyy, May 7, 2021.

  1. Ghabbbyyyy

    Ghabbbyyyy Fapstronaut

    Hey guys,

    Is there a possible way to stop fantasising about being in a relationship with a female. Like many young people here, the thoughts of having a loved one and being loved is captivating my mind both day and night. It's killing me to such an extent that my mental health is declining.

    It's almost as if my mind and soul has been convinced that the only way i can experience happiness in life is if I have someone to share it with. But the thing is, the thought of marriage won't be happening anytime soon.... perhaps years..... perhaps I may never find true love.

    My life has been so incredibly unfulfilling this past year, particularly these last few weeks. I have no friends, a dead social life, no "meaningful" hobbies. My interests are exercising, solitude walks in the park and playing video games which are pretty bland.

    Each time I go out, I feel lonely and unworthy. Maybe that is why I have been overly obsessed with finding a partner, but I have severe low self confidence that it would make it impossible to find one if I even tried.

    Is there anyway to remove these excessive fantasies? Thanks :)
  2. Wow, this is a tough one. I'm single. I've been on my no PMO journey because over the years I had turned myself into a self-obsessed PMO asshole. I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted sex. But, as I've been on no PMO I'm beginning to heal and rewire. Last night I was dangerously close to hooking up for a night of meaningless sex. I wanted it, badly. But today, as I continue to heal, I find myself walking through the ruin I've made of my own life. Like I mentioned, I'm single. I ordered take-out and came home to an empty house. And this was the first time it really bothered me, made me sad. I hadn't realized how very lonely I was. All I want is to have someone to build a life with, someone warm and tender next to me in bed. But I was the one who made this empty world, and now I have to live in it. I do have some friends, but they're the friends I made when I was a PMO asshole. I don't see them much anymore. And when I do, it's more of a distraction than actually being social.

    Well, I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that what you're going through is not uncommon. But, of course, that doesn't make it hurt any less. And as you go through your own no PMO process you will heal emotionally as well as physically. And, though it's anecdotal, women do notice. I have spent the past couple of years shunning the possibility of a relationship, and I truly feel it's because PMO changed my mindset from a confident man into an asshole. For me, the physical healing came first, and now as I approach 40 days of no PMO I'm starting to see the emotional healing. No, those excessive fantasies of building your life with your true love won't automatically go away. And maybe they aren't such a bad thing in moderation, you are fantasizing about a normal life. So please hang in there, my friend. Heal yourself first, and then you will be the man you want to be, the one who will find the love of his life.
  3. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

    I would suggest working on yourself first. Deal with that feeling of unworthiness and low self esteem. Why do you feel that way, are you skinny and need to put on some pounds, or are you fat and need to lose pounds, whatever it is, address it and deal with it headon. You don't have to feel absolutely perfect, but you do have to get out of that low worth mindset because it is counterproductive. You have to be okay with yourself and respect yourself despite what others may feel about you because they are not responsible for you, only you are.
  4. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

    Pop your pimples or treat it with medication if thats your problem; if you dress like a dork get some help from people who know how to dress, if you have no real hobbies, get some. Women "talk", men "do". Get familiar with the Manosphere too. Red pill knowledge was a God-send for me.
    Ghabbbyyyy likes this.
  5. DaveyCrockett

    DaveyCrockett Fapstronaut

    so much easier said than done, dude, so much easier said than done.

    i still can't figure out how to put an end to low self-confidence 10+ years later. counselors didn't do anything, nobody in my life ever gave me any meaningful advice besides "oh just don't feel un-confident, bro". and as for hobbies: i still haven't found one, nor can i find anything or any way to find a hobby i want to do.
    Lilla_My and Ghabbbyyyy like this.
  6. Just a few thoughts. Use them if they seem right. If not, no biggie.

    I was like that as a teen and into my 20s.

    But the thing that I couldn't have understood at that time, which is hard for most
    men to believe is that having a gf/love/marriage really doesn't solve it.

    The reason is because your loneliness or lack of self-esteem is an internal problem.

    No woman can change that, not with her love or sex or companionship.

    If you got a woman right now, what would happen is that you'd have sex with her
    and discover you are still not happy. And she could be perfect, be in love, romantic, but none of that will change how you feel about yourself.

    Because getting love for you right now is escapism. Some dudes drink, some play poker, some take trips to Europe, some take drugs to deal with it.

    What's the answer then? The answer is you need to be with yourself and find out the root of why you feel lonely. And the reason most people are unhappy is because they were supposed to achieve something and couldn't or didn't.

    I know it's all a bunch of psychobabble nonsense. But being happy with life is built from the inside to the outside, not the other way.

    Like the other poster said, you need to find out your mission in life, your skills, your goals, your career, and put in the work. You exercise a lot, so you already have the discipline. Don't overlook that asset. Too many morons in America forego fitness and live in decadence, thinking it's all going to work out. It works out alright - on the operating table with a clogged up coronary artery!

    And then one day, out of the blue, you will work your way up, and the self-esteem gets repaired. And she is going to find you. You won't do anything to get her.

    The foundation of self-improvement is NoFap, so keep the reboot going. Hard mode.

    Just my opinion, I'm 47, I've been through all that.
  7. To remove your obsession of having a partner, you need to create a life filled with activity. Sitting around and being alone is only to get you fantasize about having a partner. Why do I say this? Because I have been there before. Getting a job is a good start. Friends help you enjoy life more. Hobbies engage your mind in creative ways.

    Don’t look at other people’s relationships and get jealous. Relationships involve a lot of work. It’s not all peaches and sunshine.
  8. basically the same as SuperRay465 is saying its because you lack relationships for so long that your desperate for it, you don't need to do a long list of things you only need to do one thing get talking to people in real life.
    Ghabbbyyyy likes this.
  9. Ghabbbyyyy

    Ghabbbyyyy Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your responses. I guess what I need right out in life is having real friends to connect with. I don't have any friends to enjoy myself with, so I spend most of my time alone. Add the fact that as of recently my job has been pretty underwhelming, this leads to a recipe of mental disaster.

    For now I need to focus on building real meaningful relationships with people within the community, not exactly sure how I can accomplish but I must try. Thank you all :)
  10. Focus on becoming the person you would like to marry to. Focus on becoming the man you would like your future wife to marry to.
    First, heal yourself. Make friends, do not think of your wife as the solutions to all your problems. Do not think about her as the only way of achieving happiness. She is a human, just like you.
    Again, focus on improving your life before you even met her. This way, you will be ready when she appears.
  11. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

    Yes, life is hard at times, and it is easier said than done. You gotta nut up bro, whatever it takes. My military experience helped me a lot. You gotta get outta this mentality of thinking people are going to save you, theyre not. They’re busy with their own life and their own problems. You gotta take responsibility of your life and your happiness. No one knows your personality better than you. Life is what you make it. Also take positive actions instead of just thinking and overthinking all the time.
  12. silentmike

    silentmike Fapstronaut

    well, take a risk and find a woman:) I was on that boat almost 16 years ago, no friends, no social life - but also hated being alone and wanted someone to be with. So, I took a risk and found a girl - using dating site - and now I am married with kids. Maybe I was lucky - that it all worked out. I am not alone. I still don't have friends or social life, its often depressing for me. My dad always told me that we need to grow to certain things, and I think that at age 24 I have grown to a marriage. Now at age 40 I have grown to finally throw away P.

    I would not try to stop the feeling of wanting to be with someone, but use that energy to change something in my life. Life at a certain moment requires us to take a risk and be brave. For me, this means not worry about failures.
  13. guitarguy27

    guitarguy27 Fapstronaut

    Wow, amazing post. I totally agree.
    Jag45 likes this.
  14. Slimjimjones

    Slimjimjones Fapstronaut

    Study philosophy, your answers lay within there.
    Study history, it will put in some perspective on yourself.

    Studying these will lead you to interesting hobbies and personalities. Keep working out though.

    These are the actions that started my psychological rebirth many years ago. So rise like a Phoenix from the ashes my brother.

    Garek and Ghabbbyyyy like this.
  15. I think that's basically what it comes down to. That is possible to some extent in recovery, but I think it makes more sense for it to be all aspect of self improvement rather than just rebooting.

    The thing is, that basically translates to focus on living rather than fantasy about life. You end up sharing your life in the recovery community because you're concerned with improving all aspects of life, that is not even necessarily the case with an attractive romantic partner. (footnote: Some things women do to make themselves thin/attractive are not healthy)

    Aside from social support, or rather in combination with it is being concerned with how life works. We don't need to resort to the fairy tale happy ending kind of stories to have an interesting life. In fact, it may just start looking like the traditional narrative is not that interesting because it is rather predictable and certainly not new.
    Ghabbbyyyy likes this.
  16. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Learn to love being alone, by yourself
    brassknucks likes this.
  17. silentmike

    silentmike Fapstronaut

    Is it possible? I can imagine I could find a job (or two) which would make me so much preoccupied that I would have no time to think of loneliness. Usually that would mean being most time with other people, and maybe that is the solution.
    TimeToQuitNow and brassknucks like this.
  18. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    See! You already have the solution
  19. Why remove them? Just tone them down. I'm almost sixty and I still long for a soul mate. It's nice to have someone to share your thoughts, your joys, your sorrows, your likes, your dislikes with. BUT I have never stopped trying to improve myself.

    I have spent long periods of my life without a partner. They were useful experiences. And there were times that I had to lower the bar to find someone to be with, not as much for sex as for company.

    I would suggest adding reading/writing to your activities. It would help you gather ideas from others and express your own.

    I would suggest acquiring knowledge. Any knowledge in any subject. Knowledge is power and it helps making one useful in a situation in many ways.

    I would suggest learning a foreign language. You may be pleasantly surprised by the effect this has on people.

    I would suggest keeping your judgement as objective as possible. Do NOT accommodate her needs just to be likeable to her. That is a definite recipe for total destruction. Be fair to the both of you. A relationship may be a compromise (to a degree) but it should be a 50-50% thing. Not a 60-40%. Not a 70-30%. The more you change yourself to accommodate her needs the more you are going to resent her in the long term. The same, of course, applies to her. If you find her to be accommodating just to be with you, stop her. Otherwise there will be a day in the future that she will walk away and you don't want that.

    The secret in having a successful relationship is to have as many things in common with her as possible. For this to happen you should expand your range of interests/activities.
  20. Beekind

    Beekind Fapstronaut

    It is pretty obvious that you are addicted to this fantasy.
    You have removed an outlet ( porn) but you didn't address the underlying problem which is low self esteem and anxiety, so your brain had replaced porn with fantasy.
    You have to heal.

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