Tonight, obeying a sudden urge to find some filthy Sissy Hypno videos, (afterwards) I stumbled across this NoFap site. Thank God I did. I felt like quitting my job today and giving up on life, but I couldn't work out why I would feel that way. Now I understand. I've been caught in a horrible trap for the past four to five years! I abstain for a while, but sooner or later I'm back letting these files fry my brain. So I like knickers (panties). When my wife left me I saw no reason not to enjoy buying and wearing my own every day. I'm fine with that choice. Then I discovered panty related hypnosis on the internet which I enjoyed. It was harmless enough on it's own I think. Soon suggestions to watch more similar videos seemed inviting and harmless. I ended up buying around 800 pairs of knickers, some sleepwear, then makeup, perfume, and actually going to work like that! I saw two counsellors at some expense. Still, I paid a facial feminisation surgeon for a consultation! I never proceeded, but instead bought feminising hormones, but never took more than a few. I am straight but ended up sending a picture of myself wearing knickers to a gay friend I used to know. It got a bit worse than that. I terrified myself. Every now and then I would wake up enough to realise what I was doing. I would feel anxious, took time off work, antidepressants. Arousal was enough to take me back for more hypnosis. I have found that after a few weeks of abstention the compulsions start to decrease quite well. However, I justified feminising my mind rather than my body, as a legitimate way to comfort my emotions and loneliness. It doesn't work. These videos make you want to change gender, have gay sex, and more. I didn't realise how sick I'd become until I wrote this. I know 12 Step programme, so I already know that sharing together in recover works. Thank you all for being there for me, and I hope you find the peace and freedom you deserve. Nameste.