I’ll never be enough because of porn

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by djdcgc4, Jun 5, 2019.

  1. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Its so deflating to realize because of porn I will never be enough for the man I love. He is still in denial or doesn’t admit that’s what has affected our intimacy. Now I see the man I love and trusted thinks I’m an idiot. He has given excuses and claims to love me but I guess he just loves porn more. To not even trust me enough to admit it.

    I have now lost nearly 40 pounds and would say I have a borderline eating disorder. I thought getting smaller and into better shape would make him want me but still nothing.

    I have tried to talk about it again and again but he remains in a constant state of avoidance. I cannot/will not chip away at my own self anymore.

    Addiction sucks!
     
  2. Ronila

    Ronila Fapstronaut

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    Do not blame others or addiction for problems you have. Yes addiction is horrible, yes your partner may not recognize it but at face value you are not happy in your relationship and that is what you need to work on.
    Once you accept the responsibility for your current sate, then you will see what actions you can take to solve this.

    If your partner does not take you seriously, does not see the suffering you go though and does not want to change, then why are you still in the relationship? Yes you love and care for him, but make sure you are not doing this out of habit, which often happens. I hope this shows you different perspective.

    To me it sounds like your relationship is not functional not just on intimacy level, but you continue to act like it is. The longer you live in that illusion - the worse your life will be.

    I am not suggesting you end it and move on, I am just pointing out something that many people in your position fail to see, loving someone that keeps hurting you back and does not value your commitment is destructive, you have choices and you should evaluate them and once you do you will be able take effective actions that will hopefully lead you to better more fulfilling life.

    We often assume too much about our relationships, giving them too much value, and lock ourselves in to a prison of sorts. Relationships have to constantly create value for both involved, provide safety, support, love, sex among other things when they stop doing so people are often reluctant to really examine what is happening, and becomes imprisoned.

    Like I said breaking a relationship is necessarily best option but understanding that such option actually exists empowers you to be more firm in what your needs are.
     
  3. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    I have been in a similar situation in the past, no matter what i tried she just was fed up with the relationship. I really loved her but there comes a point where you just have to let go and just treat the person the same way they treat you.. we started communicating less and less and eventually we just fell apart.. Come to find out she was dating someone else behind my back. Some months later it didn't work out with the other guy and so she started messaging me again. Not sure what was worse, her cheating on me or her thinking i'm some kind of second choice she could fall back to when things weren't going her way.. Obviously i don't give a flying fuck about her now.
    My advice to you would be to just focus on yourself and don't look for validation from others, i wouldn't worry to much about him.. fuck him.. just go and do you because that's all you really have in this world.. You do realize nobody else is walking around with your body right? there's just one person in that body of yours.. Stop kicking your own ass..
     
    Kiz Whalifa likes this.
  4. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Hey @djdcgc4 , Last time you posted you thought it was low testsosterone and he denied a porn problem. What has changed since then?
     
  5. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    I was trying to believe there was another issue. I have been in total denial. He won’t admit it but I have to trust my gut. You don’t avoid the love of your life when you literally have no one else because of to much pride to go see a doctor. I keep having ups and downs. Thinking one minute I want to believe porn isn’t the issue but I’m not stupid. We are young and sex just doesn’t stop all together with total avoidance due to ED. It’s porn or cheating and I’m 100% sure it’s nit cheating.
     
  6. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! I needed to hear that! I guess it’s time to woman up.....
     
    TheMaster101 likes this.
  7. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    Also you don't have to make any harsh decisions like breaking up with him. Just let him do him (lol that's funny) and you do you. Your life doesn't revolve around him and vice versa. You are two people that happen to be more than friends and if he doesn't want to fuck your brains out then it's his loss.. Just take it easy and don't beat yourself up over it.
     
    Kiz Whalifa and Butterfly1988 like this.
  8. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Ha ha! You are right. That’s just it. I’m a good catch. I know I’m beautiful and I hate myself for crying because he chooses porn over me!
     
  9. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    You are enough! Spend more time on your own achievements and building yourself up. Do nice things for yourself, treat yourself and pamper yourself. Only he can work on his addiction and change. Pour your efforts, love and energy into yourself so you feel like your enough. If he can't see it, then it's his loss. Feeling that you are enough, has to come from within, don't depend on him to make you feel that way. Until he overcomes his addiction, he won't be able to give you what you need or want. The addiction makes them totally selfish and self absorbed. That's why you need to love yourself more. And be kind to yourself - you are worth it! Best of luck.
     
  10. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    You can't tell me you don't have any fantasies about a muscled up strong guy with a big one that can stay hard for days.. It's human nature to want what you can't get. You should take comfort that he fucks his hand rather than fuck around.. Now i'm not saying what he is doing is right, because it's not.. I'm just saying it could be worse..
     
  11. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Why are you on NoFap's forum? Porn addiction wrecks relationships, wrecks natural desire, and wrecks the neurochemicals in the brain. We aren't talking about a guy masturbating once in a while here; we are talking about addiction.
     
  12. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    I thought exactly the same thing. What comfort is there in the fact your guys fucking himself over other women, it's as good as an affair pretty much.....
     
    fuzzywaz, hope4healing, Numb and 6 others like this.
  13. I asked mine yesterday: when he would MO, did he fantasize about me or another woman he saw in porn or in the real world.

    Usually it was the other woman.

    It's an affair, whether physical or mental. The addict is basically raping themself while pretending it's someone else instead of their hand.

    Sorry to be blunt but that's the best way to put it into context.
     
  14. TheMaster101

    TheMaster101 Fapstronaut

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    To help people with their problems, and get help if i so need it..

    There's a difference from wanting the pie to taking the pie.. That's like saying i'm a murderer for thinking to crush that guys head to a pulp for cutting me off in traffic. Not the same thing. And again, i said what he is doing isn't right..
     
  15. HonestyMatters

    HonestyMatters Fapstronaut

    Porn or fantasising and masturbation is still a form of cheating / betrayal and there's little comfort to be found in it. My husbands had a porn addiction for more than 2 decades of our marriage. It has affected and permeated every area of our marriage on a daily basis for more than 20 years. Although, I'm not saying I would want him to or that I condone it, but if he'd fucked up a couple of times in those 2 decades and slept with someone, although that is a huge betrayal it's not something that he would have been doing behind my back every day. Not something he was totally absorbed in and thinking about every day. It's still not right but I find very little comfort just because the lines of physical connection weren't crossed. Relationships are very much about mental and emotional connection. And when a partner has a porn addiction they lose that mental / emotional connection with their spouse.
     
  16. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    How do you cope with hearing something like that? The biggest problem and barrier for us is that he can’t see porn is the issue causing the disconnect. He has PIED so no sex in over a year and to him it’s no big deal.
     
    John Oldman likes this.
  17. oh it hurt like hell to hear it. And that's after MONTHS he's been here in recovery. He always said his MO was all about me, so to hear that yesterday was like a slap in the face with a side dish of knife in the heart. I have to constantly remind myself every day: My husband's addiction is NOT because of me. And that is a VERY hard thing to accept and get over. I struggle daily with that still and I'm sure will continue to.

    I truly after over 24 years now....am only getting to know the REAL person my husband is. I mean yea, I've seen the bits and pieces of the real him but...all the anger and avoidance and lies and the uglies in his soul are disappearing now that he's sobering up, which is really cool. He gets excited now just from hugs and snuggles, which is pretty cool, too.

    HE has to want to change. HE has to see it for what it is. If he doesn't even want to at least start to look in to the very real, clinical FACT that his porn use has caused his PIED and accept it to better himself, he's not worth the time of day. You can't argue with an addict. This is just like any drug or alcohol problem, until an addict wants to accept and change, they won't.

    no matter what, don't take it personally. I know that's not going to happen easily but...make that your mantra for real. -hugs-
     
  18. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing. I’m trying to hold out hope he will wake up and see the truth. I appreciate your encouragement.
     
    Kiz Whalifa and Butterfly1988 like this.
  19. Always welcome. I suggest have him read some of the posts here on the forums. Both the men and women's sides. It's hard for them to rationalize that what they see as innocent is so damaging. Once they see it, it's a pretty big wake up call. Good luck to you both, prayers and best wishes :)
     
  20. Butterfly1988

    Butterfly1988 Fapstronaut

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    Wake up call is right. My SO described it as being asleep and then waking up to reality. Like everything he was “supposed to like” was cultivated and chosen for him through P. He was really upset that he felt he didn’t even know himself sexually.
     

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