I do love it though…

[Happytobehere]

Hey yall.

Honestly, I’m not even sure if I should be posting here. I created an account here a while ago when I was watching Sneako right before/after he got banned from all his platforms, and I started falling into red pill rhetoric/groups. I started feeling a shame toward PMO that I hadn’t felt in a while (probably since I was living in my childhood home). Current day, I’m back to not even feeling bad every time I get excited to go rub one out. I’ll probably lie there for a while after, switch my private tab to public, and debate a nap or going to play video games.

Hmm.. I felt shame about my choices enough to create an account here, but tbh with myself, I compared myself (being 29) to all of my peers and family members, then I’d wonder if I’ve really decreased my chances at success by spending so much of my developmental years “gooning.”
I recently swallowed my pride about my goals, and decided to pursue routes that I know will work for me in order to obtain the level of success I believe I’m capable of.

I went from a min wage job, to glorified cable guy making about 50k a year. I dropped out of college and was down on myself. I thought the fact that I masturbated consistently, I mean on a daily basis for as long as I can remember starting from like 9 years old. The only time I’ll go a day or a week without touching myself is if I’m sleeping around others, and of course know it’s inappropriate to even consider something like that at the time.
but damn it, I masturbate for fun, for boredom, as a routine, and I’ll even play with myself while talking to my friends on a headset - even though the conversation is nowhere near sexual. I’m just sitting on my couch in my underwear with my hand conveniently in the perfect spot to do some flicking. I’d masturbate while driving if it wasn’t terribly unsafe and extremely dumb. I’d masturbate at work if I didn’t have to fear the repercussions.

Tbh, I love it. I do think it has some effect on my romantic relationships. I often don’t see sex as seriously or as bounding as my partner usually does, although I don’t use that as an opportunity to cheat because I can’t bring myself to destroy the trust of another human being like that. I’ve never lived with my partners, but I did see my ex so frequently that I rarely masturbated, and didn’t really have a need for porn because of it. That relationship didn’t last because the sex started to feel exhausting for me, and my partner wouldn’t listen when I told them “we probably shouldn’t build a substantial relationship based purely off the fact that we have great sex. We don’t have much in common.”

They eventually agreed upon our breakup, but now I’m in another relationship. We see each other much less, so we both get laid about once a week. We have a great time together just hanging out in bed and playing video games. It just makes me sad when I think about the fact that I’ll never get to turn the playful flirting between myself and their parent into something real, or that I’ll never be able to pursue their friends because that’s just not normal.

I genuinely love my current partner, but it’s weird that I have these thoughts that I just never talk about. I feel like the years of PMO have desensitized me to the importance of sex between two people. I just think it would be fun to rump around with my partner and friends while being able to cater to my partner in every aspect that a partner should.



Either way, I think I’m just a deeply sexual being (there’s definitely some unresolved childhood trauma) and I remember being okay with embracing it when I was surrounded by theater kids in high school who were all a little bit slutty. I know how dangerous and detrimental sexual trauma and expression can be if it isn’t regulated. Now that I’m older (and more chronically online) I feel pulled in so many directions.
I come home and masturbate with no regrets. I’ll wake up or I’ll fall asleep to a nut depending on how tired I am, and I don’t feel regret.
I do, however, feel regret when people tell me “well maybe you should feel some regret.” I can argue all I want about “well I’m accomplishing my career goals, my financial goals, I’m in a successful and healthy relationship, etc.” but I know the rest of what’s included in that “etc.” is also “yes, I am, I guess, a bit of a sexual deviant.” I play with myself when I’m sleepy or bored while driving to wake myself up, and I do it every single day. Am I broken? I don’t know.

But to be fully and completely honest, reading some of the stories about people in recovery has been hot for me. I’ve been getting off to these posts as well, or at least been getting motivated to search something into my favorite site and finish the job. It’s pretty fucked up in its essence, so I wanted to talk about it to kind of atone? My intentions aren’t the most pure

 

[Sarah-Walker]

I mean, it doesn’t matter how disgusting or vile we think what we’re doing is, or even if we don’t entirely agree, you’re here right? That’s a start, and as long as you take quitting or even lessening seriously that’s a good start.

I used to live in denial until I mentally couldn’t take it anymore, and everyone reaches a point of where they breakdown with addictions even if you keep telling yourself it’s “fun” in the back of your mind you know it’s affecting you.

Now that I’m older (and more chronically online) I feel pulled in so many directions.
I come home and masturbate with no regrets.

This is one of the biggest problems I face, and others as well. When you’re older most of the time there’s no consequences to what you do compared to when you were younger.

As I got older my gaming and PMO addictions worsened and instead of learning important things (whether that be school or life skills) I threw them out the window and dropped out of everything including school. Porn, masturbation or whatever else I had going on at the time was way more exciting and enjoyable than those things.

I think one of the reasons (which it hurts to say) I’m still in a bad place despite quitting is because I still actually like porn and doing that stuff deep down in the recesses of my brain. Obviously I don’t want to and have no intention of doing anything, but if we never change our brains opinion on porn being bad or what we’re doing as not enjoyable or something we want to do then I think we’ll be stuck with it in some way.

After years of being clean I still struggle and have issues surrounding all of that, but theoretically I should have been in a healthier place, except we have to fix ourselves and our internal issues before real change happens.

It obviously lies with you, but I would strongly urge as it hasn’t fully taken hold to climb out of to take steps now rather than later and do something about it. The longer you let this go on the worse it’s going to get, because all addictions spiral out of control and are used as a coping mechanism.

I wish I did years ago, and seriously regret it. Please don’t make the same mistake.

 

[Happytobehere]

Well first of all, I just want to thank you for replying! I actually saw one of your posts or replies a while ago that inspired me to make this post.

I do think it’s something I need to think about. Although, tbh I don’t understand what I would benefit from kicking this addiction.
I’m not stupid enough to deny that I’m addicted to it. If someone offered me money to quit for a certain amount of days, I’m sure I’d end up “doing it on accident” at some point.

I did take a break from any type of PMO for a short while because I was going through a deeply religious phase. I don’t think my life changed drastically enough for me to attribute masturbation to my lack of function sometimes.

I’ve also noticed how tired I get afterwards. I could be wide awake (probably looking forward to the bed) doing the deed, and just choosing sleep instead of anything else. I could see how that could affect my overall energy.

I mean to be fully honest I’m turned on from this conversation just because I’ve never talked about it so openly before. I still don’t see any downside to me going to go act on those feelings now either, but maybe that’s where I’m wrong.

Sure maybe I’ll want a nap afterwards, but maybe I’ll want to get right back to playing Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If I didn’t go do it right now, I would just warm up pizza, watch a YouTube video, scroll the forums, get back to playing TCM, then masturbate when I got in bed for the night.
And if that doesn’t happen I’ll just do it in the morning.

I can see a benefit being me not thinking about sex all the time, and maybe it’ll get me to go out and meet more people. But I’m not entirely sure that would be the case either.

 

[Sarah-Walker]

Well first of all, I just want to thank you for replying! I actually saw one of your posts or replies a while ago that inspired me to make this post.

I do think it’s something I need to think about. Although, tbh I don’t understand what I would benefit from kicking this addiction.
I’m not stupid enough to deny that I’m addicted to it. If someone offered me money to quit for a certain amount of days, I’m sure I’d end up “doing it on accident” at some point.

I did take a break from any type of PMO for a short while because I was going through a deeply religious phase. I don’t think my life changed drastically enough for me to attribute masturbation to my lack of function sometimes.

I’ve also noticed how tired I get afterwards. I could be wide awake (probably looking forward to the bed) doing the deed, and just choosing sleep instead of anything else. I could see how that could affect my overall energy.

I mean to be fully honest I’m turned on from this conversation just because I’ve never talked about it so openly before. I still don’t see any downside to me going to go act on those feelings now either, but maybe that’s where I’m wrong.

Sure maybe I’ll want a nap afterwards, but maybe I’ll want to get right back to playing Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If I didn’t go do it right now, I would just warm up pizza, watch a YouTube video, scroll the forums, get back to playing TCM, then masturbate when I got in bed for the night.
And if that doesn’t happen I’ll just do it in the morning.

I can see a benefit being me not thinking about sex all the time, and maybe it’ll get me to go out and meet more people. But I’m not entirely sure that would be the case either.

I don’t personally know you and I have no idea what you go through compared to me, but, based on what you told me and from experience this gives me serious red flags.

I mean to be fully honest I’m turned on from this conversation just because I’ve never talked about it so openly before. I still don’t see any downside to me going to go act on those feelings now either, but maybe that’s where I’m wrong

To be honest I know you say you’re not really sure how it would benefit you, but from what you’ve said it sounds like you have a lack of self control, almost no discipline, and definitely a compulsive issue surrounding it.

Anything that has turned into an addiction whether that be caffeine, eating, smoking, drugs, porn, masturbation, ect, all need to be stopped. They’re an addiction for a reason, your brain floods with dopamine when it gets what it wants and over time it requires more and more stimulation to get back to what it was before.

Addictions straight up damage the brain, and if I was you I would try to quit to save myself pain and suffering later down the line. You may not be now, but in the future what you’re doing will cease to be pleasurable and you like many others could seek out more extreme things to achieve that same satisfaction.

Everyone is different, but what you’re doing isn’t benefiting you. I would try to look deeper into why you’re doing it and what exactly could be triggering your need in that way. Meditation and mindfulness are two good things to start with, and should help with identifying things that surface from the subconscious rather than listening to your consciousness all the time.

Don’t be afraid to question yourself, or if what you do is good for you or not. Doing something you like for a long time can blind you from issues that are arising.

 

[Happytobehere]

Well, there are some things you said that hurt. I’m sure the explanation for that is “if it hurts that must mean there some truth to it, and you should see it as a call to action.”

I agree with you, addiction can be harmful no matter what the thing is that a person is addicted to. It’s interesting that you mentioned caffeine, nicotine, and other drugs as well.
In my experience though, if you were to ever go to a rehab facility and say “hey I want help overcoming my addiction to nicotine,” they wouldn’t be able to admit you. The most they would be able to do is refer you to a place where you can get counseling for smoking cessation, or recommend smoking alternatives like patches or gum.

I remember going to rehab at one point because I tripped a tab of acid, and told my mom “I’m not sure if I won’t ever do it again. This hasn’t been a negative experience for me.” When I explained that’s the reason I was there in front of people who were recovering from opioid addiction, I was laughed at. “Acid isn’t addictive. Weed isn’t going to hurt you.” Even a “college alcoholic” isn’t treated as seriously as someone who had unfortunately gone much further.

It made me sad as I would like to overcome my addiction just as much as a man who’s addicted to meth. It’s just my DOC happens to be nicotine and weed, and I want it to stop there.

I said all of that to say, my fundamental issue in overcoming my lusts of the flesh (especially in a safe way where I’d like to masturbate while driving, but I won’t. I never would. I’ll wait until I’m in the privacy of my own home.) is that I just don’t understand why there is so much shame on the subject.

I was a bit hurt when you mentioned a lack of discipline and no self control surrounding this topic, as I’ve put myself in a position of “I am torturing myself by not touching myself, but I must do it to feel better about myself overall” and I don’t understand why people do that to themselves.

I am smart enough to understand that a meth user absolutely cannot just shoot up and risk relapsing every time they get the urge, no matter how strong it is.
My thing is, if masturbation is so wrong we could tie these concepts to anything we deem negative in our own personal lives.

for example: if I have a habit of cussing people out on a video game when something bad happens, my resolution may be “I’ll make sure I never speak negativity into someone’s life on the game again.”
For a few lobbies I find success in being the nicest version of myself.
After a few days, I find a way to be kind, but still in a way that’s natural to me.
Maybe about a week later someone is in the lobby, insulting me, slandering me, and tempting me to respond.
I resist the temptation and maintain a pristine attitude for another week before I’m belittled again. I start by defending myself, then it turns into a screaming match between myself and the other party. I messed up, I will reset.

We would all applaud the person in this example, tell them to get back up, and keep going. The longer you have between the last time you blew up, is the closer you are to closing that door forever.

I can understand the importance of that door being closed for meth. I can understand the importance of that door being closed for anger, yet anger is a healthy emotion, so that is not a door we are supposed to close entirely.
I struggle to see why self pleasure is something that I would benefit from treating like meth.
I could see wrongful self pleasure being as dangerous as meth, but I would more attribute safe masturbation to that of someone who drinks too much coffee, smokes nicotine, or curses too much - how can these things be bad in moderation?

has your life improved at all since you’ve been clean from your own habits, how?
Do you think the guilt, shame, and hatred you would feel towards your actions (if God forbid, you ever did slip up) is more harmful to you as a person than the act itself?

I’m not sure if you have kids but I don’t have any yet. I can’t see myself bringing a child into the world and telling them “NEVER TOUCH YOUR DICK/PUSSY!! If you ever have feelings like that, you go and find something to do because clearly you’re just bored.” I feel like that opens them up for more heartbreak and disease by trying to find a partner that can meet their needs, or it turns them into someone who never learned what they like in bed for their spouse, and themselves.

 

[Sarah-Walker]

Well, there are some things you said that hurt.

I was a bit hurt when you mentioned a lack of discipline and no self control surrounding this topic

I’m sorry mate, I didn’t mean for what I said to hurt or impose something on you. I said it sounds like but maybe my wording was rude, I apologise, I’m trying to do better with my words keeping other people’s situation or circumstance in mind.

I was laughed at. “Acid isn’t addictive. Weed isn’t going to hurt you.” Even a “college alcoholic” isn’t treated as seriously as someone who had unfortunately gone much further.

Unfortunately rehab and even mental health support is pretty rubbish in a lot of places, mine included. I was mocked by a medical professional when I tried explaining to him that I can’t work anymore due to my extreme anxiety and suspected autism, to which he was saying things like “you’re not stupid” (rolling his eyes), “you’re too young to do that”, “nonsense, you're just shy”, “that disorder is over prescribed”, etc.

Ultimately he denied all my requests to write anything on my forms, and only referred me to a “mental health crisis” clinic which was hell. I definitely understand how bad the system can be, and sorry you had to go through that.

My thing is, if masturbation is so wrong we could tie these concepts to anything we deem negative in our own personal lives.

A lot of people have differing opinions here, but I personally don’t view masturbation necessarily as an inherently bad thing, it’s just when that’s abused to the point of becoming a compulsive addiction it’s an issue.

has your life improved at all since you’ve been clean from your own habits, how?

Do you think the guilt, shame, and hatred you would feel towards your actions (if God forbid, you ever did slip up) is more harmful to you as a person than the act itself?

This ultimately is your decision to make, and you have to decide if what you’re doing is truly an issue to you or not. I’m better in a lot of ways nowadays but still have problems surrounding masturbation, but that’s more to do with my current state of mind and unresolved emotional issues that drive those feelings.

If I slipped up now with porn I don’t know what I would do, like honestly I really don’t know. I hope I never do, but “moderation” is one thing I can’t and won’t compromise on with porn.

If what you’re doing doesn’t affect you or anyone around you negatively, then it’s up to you if you want to continue everything you told me. I can’t tell you what to do or diagnose you, so just think on what it is you actually want to change and try not to punish yourself with whatever choice you make.

I’m not sure if you have kids but I don’t have any yet.

Also, to answer your question due to the state of the world, my own mental issues, and how I personally view western society, I will not be having kids.

 

[Happytobehere]

Wow, Sarah Walker, thank you so much for responding to this little post that felt like a shot in the dark. The light you’ve responded with throughout the conversation has been truly a terrific experience

There were a few things I wanted to respond to specifically, but I am far too tired and much too close to clock in to give my thoughts the love they deserve lol.

I’m sorry about the misunderstanding earlier and I’m grateful for you clearing up your intention. I feel warm goodnight!

I would’ve felt terrible if I told myself “I’ll respond tomorrow,” got slammed with work, and forgot all about it. I just wanted to express my appreciation in case I do forget!

 

[Sarah-Walker]

Wow, Sarah Walker, thank you so much for responding to this little post that felt like a shot in the dark. The light you’ve responded with throughout the conversation has been truly a terrific experience

There were a few things I wanted to respond to specifically, but I am far too tired and much too close to clock in to give my thoughts the love they deserve lol.

I’m sorry about the misunderstanding earlier and I’m grateful for you clearing up your intention. I feel warm goodnight!

I would’ve felt terrible if I told myself “I’ll respond tomorrow,” got slammed with work, and forgot all about it. I just wanted to express my appreciation in case I do forget!

No worries, as long as I didn’t make you feel bad about it!

When I was on here years ago I wasn’t the nicest person, and purposely got into fights with people because I guess it made me feel better. An unhealthy outlet I’ve tried to deal with, as it was just another dopamine replacement for my PMO.