I am new to this (PA as well as Nofap) so forgive me if I ramble. My SO just confessed to his PA addiction a week ago. It had apparently been going on for on and of since he was a teen. The longest straight run would have been approximately 7 years and quiting on his own 6 months ago. He insists that it never went any where else besides OLP. Never getting into violence or grosser things. We have been married for over 20 years. I didn't notice a damn thing until he started telling me no to sex about the same time he started his own reboot. But as I look back over the last couple of years our relationship was off a bit. I chalked it up to financial difficulties and lack of communication. My problem is that I don't know how to feel. Most of the time I'm depressed. To complicate this matter, I have an anxiety disorder. I love him more than life. He is truely a wonderful father and husband. No joke. This is literally the only part of his life he kept hidden. I feel like most of the time I am just blocking every thing and putting up a wall in my head to all of this. To complicate matters more, we have had sex twice since full disclosure and it has been hotter and more intimate than it has been in years. I also feel closer to him, emotionally, then I have in years. Don't get me wrong. There have been lots of tears over the last last week. And one incident of beating him up with a pillow. I am also grappling with the thought if it was an affair or not. Betrayal, yes. Lying, yes. But am on the fence on this one. His biggest fear all this time was instant devorce. I don't give up that easy on him though. I am so happy that he feels th weight lifted from his shoulders, but I am bitter it had to come at the expense omaking huge cracks in our lives. We are going to our minister for counseling. Please help.
Hi @coffee_chick Welcome to Nofap. You have come to the right place and will get no-end of help here if you need and want it. The SOs here are wonderful and will help you understand and deal with the feelings you experience. The recovering male PAs are also very willing to give their views, which may help you to understand your SO's past behaviour and what he is going through in reboot. The recipe for success, if there is such a thing, is to be completely honest with each other throughout and expect there to be tough times. For it to work, he has to be truly committed to quitting PMO for good, not just doing it because you want him to. Your feelings of betrayal are quite natural and won't go away quickly, but if he is stays clean and the lying and deception are gone for good, then in time you should be able to rebuild the trust at the heart of the relationship. I have been clean for 100+ days now and my wife and I have also been having our best sex for years. A good silver lining to the dark cloud! For me, quitting PMO has brought my focus back to my wife, where it should have been all along. If your hurt feelings allow it, then I'd encourage you to turn up the intimacy in your marriage as high as you can. Not just sex, but cuddles, hugs, talking (lots of talking) and as much time as a couple as your domestic circumstances allow. It sounds as if you really love him and that apart from his addiction he is a good guy. That bodes well. Make sure you do what you need to heal yourself but if he truly commits to quitting for good, I would say your future prospects look good. Wishing you the very best of luck ANH
Thank you for your candidness about the other side of the story. I'm real good at putting up a wall to protect myself. We will survive this. We have survived so much more.
Hi coffee_chick, I'm sorry you are going through this. I have also been married over 20 years. Porn has been in the background of our relationship since the very beginning but it would only show up every couple of years as a small blip on the radar here and there. You know, back then, it was only magazines. He would buy one every once in a while. Not a huge deal. It wasn't until a year ago I discovered the truth and that it was a MUCH bigger problem than just a blip. And since then it has been a little more discovery here, a little more discovery there...it just trickles out. I would (and still do) reflect back and would put it together like "Oh...PMO was responsible for what happened during that time. NOW that makes sense." It's shocking because it never hit me all at once and then BAM, there it is. It may happen that way for you, so you aren't alone if it does. You are come to the right place. There are a lot of us here going through similar journeys, on both sides. Welcome.
A week and a half in and still feeling ambivalent. I can feel my self shutting off from him, emotionally, but I get through it and then we can relax. I am on 2 antidepressants and have been for 6 months so wonder if that is why I'm not raging or crying all the time. I am just tired.
