I don't recognize myself anymore. My addiction has taken over.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Ced, Mar 26, 2018.

  1. Ced

    Ced Fapstronaut

    As I feared ( I mentionned it in my previous posts), my addiction has indeed esalated to high extremes. I spent almost all my free time watching P... It of course lead me to a very severe depression and my anxiety is crippling ( I cannot make eye contact with people, nor speak to anyone ever). An example; today I was supposed to read some texts for my classes but I couldn't contain the urge and I watched P... and not for a few minutes... for a full 4 hours (my d has become very numb so it takes me between 4-5 hours each time and I do it every day). I also became desensitized to vanilla and normal P, so I pretty much checked every kind there is, and I even stumbled upon stuff that I should never have seen, some of which left me traumatised and left me with a bad feeling of shock mixed with fear, guilt shame and paranoia ( as I already said many times before). Alas, now I am not a man: but a man I once was, I used to be a happy and intelligent young man with an interest in wisdom and spirituality (not that religious but a firm believer nonetheless) . Now, I am a beast that no reasoning faculties and that is governed by its impulses and various desires! Anyway, I just want to step out of my cyclical, ever repeating Hell and once more aim for the stars.
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  2. IR254

    IR254 Fapstronaut

    You describe the course, an addiction can take, perfectly here. A lot of people expirienced very similiar things, myself included. All you can do is try to get rid of this fucking addiction. It's destructive and brings absolutly nothing good to your life. Good luck.
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  3. DoctorShultz

    DoctorShultz Fapstronaut

    *slow claps turn into faster ones* Bravo, Bravo! These are my favorite kinds of posts. When people admit their addiction and strive for a better more fulfilling life. I too know exactly how you feel (shame, anxiety, depression) and it haunts me to this day. Together we are strong my friend and we can push through this. Good luck to you!
    omegamer and Ced like this.
  4. Theultimatefighter_21

    Theultimatefighter_21 Fapstronaut

    I know how this feels like, it's like a hurricane of feelings and emotions, all sorts of bad stuff lives in there, and somehow i'ts attractful...
    Ced likes this.
  5. Jonsi Hreidarsson

    Jonsi Hreidarsson Fapstronaut

    This is a near perfect summation of how this addiction works, it disturbs me how much it potentially takes over your life and how the P starts off so tame and by the end you are watching stuff that makes you have genuine disdain for who you've become. All of which intertwined with overwhelming feelings of guilt and anxiety.

    Remember there is strength in numbers and Good Luck to you on your journey!
    Ced likes this.
  6. Tryingto

    Tryingto Fapstronaut

    In my experience, this 'beast' is the addiction covering over the person you are underneath, @Ced . This is part of the horror of addiction: How it strangles our authentic selves, convincing us that the awful overlay is truly who we are. In my experience, it's damn close to wholly convincing!

    Hats off to you for being here, for doing this.

    One day at a time.
    Ced likes this.
  7. Some pretty disturbing genres are there, i was also numb but curiosity is worse than fear, she needs more and more. I wish never browse in this sector, but now i feel much better wish you good recovery, brain can be healed and nightmares can be forgotten.stay safe
    Ced likes this.
  8. Ecorest

    Ecorest Fapstronaut

    I'm feeling the same thing. I have everything to be a happy man. I have a partner, I'm on University in a course that I truly like, have friends... but I can't not to PMO, I'm the worst person for the people who likes me. I'm trying...
    Ced likes this.
  9. Use your pain to motivate you. Start slow. Just resist the urge for 5 mins. Commit to doing that. Prove to yourself you can do it. Then build from there. A long journey starts with a single step. Deep down you are still there inside yourself, but that inner person is masked by the addiction and all the pain surrounding it. You deserve healing. You deserve to rediscover and nurture your true self back to health again. You can do it.
    Ced, Gmork and Citadelle like this.
  10. Lau

    Lau Fapstronaut

    Bro, this is why you are here to get rid of this addiction you can be the person as you use to be. Don't give up
    Ced likes this.
  11. Trucker925

    Trucker925 Fapstronaut

    I love this message. Don't focus on days, focus on the present moment. If you can resist for 30 minutes, that's 30 minutes you resisted, and WON. Focus on the present moment, because all we have is this present moment, nothing else. Build from there, and keep fighting. If you fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take another step. This isn't about overnight success. It takes minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day of consistent effort. Stay focused, every day is day one!
  12. Yes exactly, well said! Every battle we win, we gain a little more strength and wisdom to take on the next one. We can build a positive feedback loop in this way. Accept that it's a process, and just continue moving forward.

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