I dont think I can do this anymore

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by DefendMyHeart, Oct 25, 2020.

  1. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    i need to read it again. I am convinced that you can build in your neuron system that, you can build inhibitory synapse connection that block you from watching porn. in public for example you would never do it.
     
  2. Most Welcome Sister
     
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  3. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, I think anything is possible with the brain. We only know so much about it. A big part of my research is how a P addict is exposed to so many triggers in just daily life (media, advertising, television, etc) that it makes it super difficult to fully heal. However, I dont think it is completely impossible. It would take a lot of work, meditation, dedication, and being able to rewire the dopamine system to be able to change the cue reactivity that comes from just being in today's society. If you happen to come across a study or something that talks about it, let me know. I would love to read it
     
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  4. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I think this is why he wants to find another therapist now. He is realizing that the one he has, although easy to talk to as well, doesn't really hold him accountable for his actions. Being accountable is what he needs until he is able to be self-accountable. He brings up stuff that I say to him to his therapist, methods and exercises he can do to get through his thoughts, and his therapist dismisses what I say. At one point his therapist basically said not to talk about me because he was already aware of my exceptionalism. What the heck he meant by that, I am not sure.

    I'm glad you have a new therapist that is helping you. Being heard by someone who believes you is a great step towards recovery
     
  5. Jonny1992

    Jonny1992 Fapstronaut

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    https://www.amazon.de/Power-Habit-W...1604041917&sprefix=charles+duh,aps,167&sr=8-3

    This is a good book and:

    https://www.amazon.de/Atomic-Habits...ts&qid=1604041954&sprefix=atom,aps,188&sr=8-1

    You can yourself rewire your brain, step by step. I am developing myself a system of habits that helps me to build the inhibitory synapses for my brain to stop watching porn. I will achieve it someday.
     
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  6. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    One thing. He has to be accountable to himself. Or he has to get to SAA and get a sponsor to be accountable to. Or a friend. Anyone but you. He can't be accountable to you - you're his partner, not his coach or therapist or sponsor. I talk with my wife a lot - "I'm worried about this" "I'm going to a meeting today" "I'm struggling with this homework" "How are you feeling" - and if she asks about sobriety I'm going to be honest. But she's not my therapist and not my accountability partner. She has her own trauma to work through I need to support her on, not fair to add even more to her plate.
     
  7. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I understand. I've been his therapist, coach, sponsor, just about everything for these last 3 years. When he started therapy, I backed off and let his therapist take over for the most part, which was nice. But then he relapsed.

    I am really hoping he is able to find someone soon that will help him in the way he needs to be helped, not to validate his addictive behavior. He has been doing a lot more inner work over this last week, so I hope that continues as well
     
  8. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Relapses are going to happen. Progress is not linear. My wife's therapist told her that straight up in the first session. I have not relapsed since i started taking this seriously, but that doesn't mean she or I expect me to be perfect for decades.

    Look for him to own his recovery. Such as is he doing his reading and homework without asking? Is he being honest with you if you ask him? Is he attempting to learn from his mistakes?
     
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  9. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I think the main reason why I jumped back into it after the relapse was because he did not do so for 2 years when I worked with him. Then he works with this therapist a few times and relapses. Now, the explanation I can deduce from this is, he wanted to watch it during those 2 years but couldnt find justification to do so, so when the therapist told him it was normal and okay, he jumped on the opportunity. The second thing that caused his relapse was his mom visiting. He doesn't have the best relationship with his family and it is very stressful to him. Prior to his mothers arrival, I talked to him about the possibility of his urges going up while she was here because I am aware of his background. After he confessed his relapse to me, he said he did not remember us having that prior conversation.
    I really do feel he needs to take his recovery into his own hands though so I am able to focus on mine. Part of me wants to just let it go and let him figure it out on his own while the other part of me wants to help him find another therapist, and push him in that direction. I know that it is not constructive at this point to continue to step in to help him, as he becomes reliant on me and doesn't learn to be accountable to himself. I wish he would find an accountability partner to help him stay motivated.
    He is already aware that if he relapses again, we are done. Not because I don't love him, but because I physically can no longer go through the stress of starting over again.

    He is doing his own readings. As far as being completely honest, I would like to think so, but my own trauma impacts how I feel about that. He does try and learn from his mistakes and he does come to me when he gets stuck and needs help getting out (although it is a lot less often now than it used to be). He knows when I know he is lying to me about things, but again, there is still part of me that feels as though he is holding something back, and I know this is due to my trauma and not his actions. It is still hard to not be angry with him.
     
  10. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    My husband has successfully found another therapist. He lives in a different state (we don't really have anyone in our state) but is doing teletherapy for our state and our insurance covers it. That is a huge relief.
    We've managed to make a few breakthroughs in how the mind is, how it reacts, and how things are not as separate as he once thought they were. A lot of it is due to my research, and the rest is due to his cognitive processes clearing up and being available to hold new information. I just hope it continues.

    I've so far had 2 visits with a therapist regarding betrayal trauma. Through my research on that topic, I've realized there is not really a whole lot of published research about it. I am hoping this changes so women are able to feel more validated about their feelings and able to seek help for it.
     
  11. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Good for him and you finding people to work with.
     
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  12. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    My husband didn't understand I was serious until I kicked him out of our home. I was tired of his whining and feeling sorry for himself and the fake recovery. Sometimes, an addict needs a huge wake up call and a kick in the ass. BUT if he isnt willing to help himself, then you are wasting your time. My advice is to back off, take care of yourself, save up your money in a separate account and plan for your future without him. If he changes (REAL change, not fake recovery) and you want to give him another chance that is your choice. Best of luck to you. Keep your eyes open and do not listen to his words.
     
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  13. Steppingintotheunkown

    Steppingintotheunkown Fapstronaut

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    I hope we both get married to women we love, have children with them and prosper. It must be so enriching having a family
     
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  14. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I understand. There are times where I feel he is doing good and things are going well, then he does something that sets me back quite a bit. This marriage is currently in limbo. I dont know if I will stay or go. He is aware of this, yet continues to do things and lie about them. This morning he decided it was a good idea to invalidate my feelings and gaslight. This only drives me further in the leaving direction. Part of me feels like that is what he really wants. Im not pretty enough for his standards. This in of itself hurts.

    Things he has no control over such as thoughts or reactions, I've gone out of my way to help him with that. Things he deliberately does, however, is quite different. He decided to watch a football video last night with the anticipation of seeing cheerleaders. He then lied to me and told me he clicked the video but closed it out right away. This morning I find out he actually watched it. He seems to feel it was okay because there weren't any cheerleaders in the video, so he didn't violate anything. He fails to realize that the motivation for watching it in the first place is the problem. It is no different than an alcoholic picking up a bottle with the intention of drinking it, only to find out after the fact that the bottle was filled with water, not alchohol. It doesn't take away the motivation behind picking up the bottle to begin with.
     
  15. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry my friend. The lies sting the worse and uproot everything we are struggling to work towards. What are we supposed to hang onto if they are holding out their hand, but pull it back quickly when we cautiously try to grab on? How many times can they do this before we say enough and start to detach? I don’t know.
     
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  16. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, I think we start to detach right away for self preservation purposes. Then we try to attach, then detach again, on constant repeat. Each time we attach, it is never with the same amount of strength as it was in the beginning, prior to D-day. The pain, the uncertainty, the lies, the constant betrayal, takes away our security in the relationship. If you look up Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you'll see what I mean. The security and safety of how we see our lives has to be there prior to being able to feel love in a relationship. So when the relationship is on shaky grounds, the safety and security become compromised, which in turn, compromises the love we feel, not only for our SO, but for ourselves as well. This carries to other relationships and friendships and we begin to doubt if we can trust other people. For example, if my husband and I were to split up, I can't see myself being with anyone else in the future because there is going to be that aspect of, what if this person is the same way? What if they do the same to me? What if I have to do this all over again after getting attached to someone else? That fear prevents the safety and security of our own self. So we then are faced with what is perceived to be two choices: Stay with the person we are with, or be single the rest of our lives. If kids are involved, it is very difficult to see yourself being a single parent, so then you start to feel trapped. This exasperates the loss of security and trust.
    It is so exhausting being like this
     
  17. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay Fapstronaut

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    Yes, exactly every bit of this... We have kids. I’m scared to death this is my forever life.
     
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  18. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    You can stay married and still have a happy life. However, you do need to be able to detach. For me, it was pretty easy. After 10 years of marriage I just knew he wasn’t going to change. So I changed. I have had many great years, albeit hard as even though married I was essentially a single parent. The only advice I can give is do what you have to do to flourish and thrive either in the relationship or out. Stay or go but do what’s best for you and your kids without any thoughts of your husband.
     
  19. DefendMyHeart

    DefendMyHeart Fapstronaut

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    I think this is also why it is super important to try and focus on healing ourselves during this time as much as possible. It is difficult as hell though, I'll admit. It feels like you're walking through an area with quicksand. You don't know which step in what direction to take because you could go one way for a long time, then get sucked under. Or, you could try and go another way and get sucked under right away. Each time you get sucked under you have to pull yourself up and clean yourself off and try again.
     
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  20. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    For both of you I really recommend a podcast called the betrayed the addict and the expert. More info here: https://www.betrayedaddictedexpert.com/

    I think both of you will find episodes helpful - I know I have.

    I can't speak to their coaching or courses, but the podcast is free and available.
     

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