I need advice on a potentially unhelpful relationship

I am currently in a strange not-quite-relationship with my daughter's mum and can't quite figure out if it's healthy or not and then what I can do about it. I will explain a little more below, but essentially I'm looking for nuanced opinions from people who aren't invested in the situation to help me out and this seems a good place to be for that to happen (plus it does link strongly with my reboot).

So as I said, the woman in question is my daughters mum. We met around 8 years ago and had a 2 year relationship. After 6 months she fell pregnant with my daughter; after 9 months we moved in together; after 15 months my daughter was born; after 2 years the relationship had fallen apart. It was an intoxicating and destructive relationship. She manipulated me into having a baby (something she has admitted to) - I was both physically and emotionally abusive towards her.

After splitting up we went through quite a strong push/pull cycle for a long time. Alongside this I began to do work on myself - I did an abuse perpetrators programme, went through therapy and started practicing Buddhism. At some point I decided enough was enough and stopped contact for a period of around 6 months or so. This had the desired effect and after 6 months we began to communicate again, primarily for the sake of my daughter. This was about 2 or 3 years ago. Since then communication has improved and we have got closer - to the extent that I've ended up being her primary support. In the midst of this she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which I mention as it is relevant to more recent events...

Over the past year I've had strong feelings for her emerge, which I had tried to address - by talking to her about it initially, to which she said she didn't feel the same and so we left it at that and I made clear that I needed to get space so that I could work through the feelings I had for her. To start with fine, but then when I did take space her attachment issues came up and her mental health totally crashed - I got a phonecall from her telling me she wanted to kill herself. So I went back to manage the risk and ended up falling back into the same role I'd been in before (i.e. close and with painful feelings of unrequited romance). After a while it became too painful and I spoke again with her - again I tried to get space. This time she came and said she thought a relationship might be possible. So we explored it - or at least that was the plan but then she didn't seem to be actually doing any exploring and once again I decided I needed space. This has happened several times over the past year with very similar outcomes.

The big issue is that I am bound to her by virtue of my daughter so I can't just leave. But neither can I continue how things are - if I try and ignore my feelings I end up acting codependent, only meeting my needs through being the 'carer.' If I try and meet my needs by expressing my romantic feelings I tend to lose a sense of my boundaries and take on too much of her stuff, which ultimately leaves me feeling depressed, confused and unsure of who I am. If I try and take the critical step away from her her mental health plummets as she has very strong abandonment issues.

Writing this out now it is obviously an unhealthy dynamic, and one that I should probably stay the fuck away from. I've worked hard to get to a place of basically decent mental health (I know I've still got lots of work to do though...) and don't want to compromise that. Equally I don't want her to kill herself or for my daughter to have to endure the emotional storm that comes about when her mums feels like she's been abandoned. I've just started seeing a new therapist which should hopefully help all round, but really interested to hear from others what they think. Do other people have experience of BPD either in themselves or partners? Any dads out there who have had to navigate similarly difficult territory with the children's mums?

In other words...help.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I'm not particularly active on the internet, but you're absolutely right - there is probably a forum for this specific issue! It seems so simple now you mention it