I need Advice with depression/motivation

I identify more with the nihilists tho tbh lol. Except for the part where they break in and attack him.

 

Meaning and connection. I think it all comes down to those.

I come really close to PumpkinDeltoids. (oops, I see I may have posted a response I wasn't quite done with..)
It's not so much that life has no meaning for me, but that meaning is not out there. It's in here someplace. And I often feel it when most connected to someone or something. It's hard to explain clearly. For me, sometimes it happens when I am reading something that resonates deeply and I feel connected to the writer or the idea. It feels good either because I have had the same thought myself and feel less alone, or because I have never thought of it before and it blows my mind--both very good feelings. Or I witness some wonderful moment between people. It's like that old quote from some supreme court justice years ago when they were debating porn (ironically). He said something like, "I don't know what indecency is, but I know it when I see it." Love is like that, meaning is like that. And it's different for everyone. Meaning for me has something to do with learning and connecting things in my head, in becoming more conscious, more whole. Or when I feel someone gets me. Even if it's me. I know it can sound abstract or hoity-toity, but you know it when you feel it. Carl Jung said that he'd rather be whole than happy. And I think I got that, too.
I read this book originally published in 1972 by Sheldon Kopp. Just before the main title on the cover it says, "No meaning that comes from outside ourselves is real. The Buddhahood of each of us has already been obtained. Thus the Zen Master warns his disciple, If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! And the jacket goes on to say,
“The most important things that each man must learn no one can teach him. Once he accepts this disappointment, he will be able to stop depending on the therapist, the guru who turns out to be just another struggling human being.”
I need to review that from time to time. Also read Emerson's essay: Self Reliance. And one more book recommendation: Illusions: The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach.
I'm trying to think of how to say it. Something like, We are alone, but aloneness somehow connects us. Jung said something like we are all part of an undersea mountain range, but all we see are the peaks that rise above the surface.