I seriously need help I'm extremely depressed and suicidal right now...

hmmm.... I didn't expect this day to come at all... I still remembered the first time i started nofap due to PMO addiction almost entirely ruined my life, it was on 2018 now it has been 4 years... and today i made the stupidest mistake i never made before maybe causes by not ejaculating for long periods of time...

After years of Nofap life was so much improvement, socializing, getting a job, making new friends exploring new experiences, my life was flipped completely from being a completely anxious loser to high confident person... well it was great times, until yesterday... I'm not sure if I'm actually relapsed cause I didn't look for actual porn also i didn't have a dopamine rush either...

My intention was just to look at hot women on Instagram but not nudity, as far as i knew that Instagram is full of triggers, one thing i realized is the more i tried to fear it, it will have the power to control me, so instead i tried to train my mind if i bump into one of the porn i will instantly look away. So i admitted it was some sort of soft porn like bikini and sth like that... but at least it's not as strong as actual porn...

Also, the weird part is I didn't have a dopamine rush but instead felt extremely depressed and panic attacked... felt sort of one of the relapsed episodes i used to have... Guess that's it, i think Nofap was the greatest thing i have ever discovered and thanks for the creator of this community, it was a life-changing journey for me, Life has gotten more interesting.

Perhaps it just shorted for me, probably I'm an unlucky person? I shouldn't do what i did but i think i have no reason to fight this addiction anymore. I think I'm done, 4 years is the longest streak, i didn't consider myself a successor until i find a girlfriend but yet it's too late for me... I am seriously depressed and lose the purpose of doing anything now... all the power i gained from nofap is actually fading now, I have no reason to live as i guess because ever working the hardest to achieve it? but ruined everything because of a small mistake.... SO anyways Thanks anyone for reading this. I hope you gain the benefits from Nofap as i did.

 

But i already relapsed man... the messed up part is i also lose myself... I don't know what to do anymore, I don't feel like who i was in the previous times... Now I'm completely broken down into pieces.

 

Because of porn addiction...

 

But I literally can't functions and process Right now, it almost felt like who i was...

So 4 years is enough for brain to rewiring after years of PMO addiction?

 

PMO addiction

 

So, which i didn't fail nofap right? Since doing nofap for so long i already developed porn avoidance even i bumped into one, i didn't even let my dopamine have time to release. Also i have no urges to seek porn either, even after couple days since that incident i have no urge to masturbated and watched porn. Is this what nofap winner feel like? Also i don't feel like a relapse mostly just depressed