I Watch Something Disgusting and Evil

C

cheesecakeboy

New Fapstronaut
A few months ago, I made a mistake by entering a dark web world. The reason I did that because I was curious about what actually in there. I downloaded Tor and exploring the whole thing.

Until I stop at one site.

It's kinda embarrassing to say this, but I'm just gonna do it. The site that I stopped was a porn site. More specific, it's a child porn site. Yes, I watched kiddie porn. At first, I felt nausea at my stomach because I never watch that kinda thing before. I shut down the computer and try to forget everything.

My curiosity continued to emerge. I couldn't help myself. I entered the dark web again and hooked with those kiddie porn for a few weeks. I felt numb, but my brain won't to stop me to not entering the thing. I fap to that disgusting thing. Now, my anxiety and depression are draining my self. I don't know what to do anymore. The more I try to escape from those things, the more the thing spinning in my head.

Can I still be forgiven?
I never hurt any child, and never have a thought to do that. I only watch the video, and I feel embarrassing, disgusting, evil and anxiety all over my body.

Please, help me.
 
Realize that porn is a hijacking of your instinct, and instinct corresponds to animalistic impulses. You are human. I don't know you and what would motivate you, but I wanted to mention looking at it from this perspective vs. only a moralistic one. It doesn't mean not to view it morally, but I find it helpful to look at it that way too because it is a way of bringing us down to those base instincts, which is again not even what makes us human.

Of course the million dollar question is what are you going to do? What are you willing to do? What extent will you go to so as not to fall down that hole again?
 
Can't say I'm in the exact same situation, but I am in a similar one. I've been dealing with deviance as well. The worst thing a person in your state can do is to avoid seeking help. It's a fantastic thing that you've come here. I know people often forget this, but it's not like what you're dealing with is a choice (the attraction, not the viewing). I hope that a reboot can help you, but I'd also recommend visiting a therapist if/once you're comfortable. It's a little pricy, but if the urges are still there and in-person therapy is scaring you off, try online therapy.
 
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