Im afraid I could be wired wrong too deep

Hello NoFap,
I just registered, I guess its a step towards the only right direction.

Im male, 22 years - Addicted to porn.

Ive been in an open psychatry for all in all over 12 months (in multiple stays) to tackle Depression, Sleep escapatism and in my most recent stay there - sex/porn addiction.

I realized my problems. At first I just had spare moments of recognizing it as a big Problem in my life, after 3 months in Theraphy I now know that its real and that it takes so very much from me and my Lifes Quality/Ambitions.
The dark part is, (probably everyone here knows that emotion) that I often return to craving, talking it down, telling myself that its not that bad or simply escaping into porn. Like I have two halfs which switch places sometimes. Like waking from a Nightmare.

Now to the Title of this:
I will try to not write it Toxicated, but I will have to use some words, I wont describe anything explicit.


Im especially addicted to Hentai and Online Roleplay, I play Hentai Games and spend hours browsing imageboards. The other half is a bit complex, Im not afraid of being bi or homosexual, I feel not attracted to mens bodies, yet to the Penis. Almost everything I consume is in the "straight"genre but whenever I roleplay online I play the female part. No sissy thing or something similiar - I even looked up different articles to seem and think more realistic in the role. Im not sure what it is but I know where it developed:
In the mentioned Hentai Games you usually play as a Heroine, getting into bad Situations - probably also to take away guilt in darker scenes, since your point of view is victimized yet you consume the other half as well. And my Roleplay contents also became more and more dark. Tentacles, Bestiality, Force and so on. At some point I especially started to avoid affection. I even used my Photoshop skills to create fake"verification" images like its usual on reddit (not the fake part).

I tell all this since I wonder if anyone has similiar Experiences?

Every Time I think seriously about quitting I feel a big emptiness and fear, like its too important - reminds me on the lord of the rings Frodo scenes ever since I rewatched it while struggling with this.

What makes it even more complicated is that the things, I want to achieve and for which I need to get rid of all this are strangely connected. Like Anime, even Ghibli, or serious/innocent ones are somewhat connected with Hentai. I hold a degree as Game Designer and now learn Digital Art - which includes learning from nude models (which rarely trigger me, but they can) and sometimes requires to create rather erotic effects in images. Not to mention that I work in front of a Computer half day with a relapse just few clicks away.
Addiction blockades me from learning and Isolation and retreat made me unreliable for work.
To live my Ambitions in Art, Writing and Design is my wish for wich I need and want to quit porn. Secondary Relationship would also be nice of course, but getting rid of all this anxiety and the blockades and running away from tasks since rheyre not as rewarding as Addiction is, and having the energy back to shine in what I love is my main Motivation.

I heard about the dark gap in between letting go and finding something new, and I believe I will get so much more in exchange - but Im Afraid, Its just everywhere, Games, Anime, general Media- Im afraid Im wired too strong with my Addiction. I want to replace porn with Drawing, Reading, Sport, and even Gaming.

Another thing I think I should mention, since Im curios about feedback is the following: I know its a weird thing, but since ever I had some fictional Characters to which I felt connected so much, that I never imagined them in any fantasies, even avoided pictures etc. in the same way I stopped to think of people I know in general in fantasies, I dont know if its a bad sign of lack in real relationships or a good sign since its some sort if island which Addiction spared?

I really feel powerless, but I know that I need to change. I plan another stay in my psychatry, specialized for Addiction, with almost no Internet.

Im sorry if I wrote too focused on certain terms, Its not easy to share all of this.
What do you think?

 

Thank you for your reply!

Those verifications are usually pictures to proof Identity, so most common is a selfie with a Paper on which the Username and purpose/website is written. At some point I basically stole and edited such images to convince people that im real. I think the whole roleplay thing is also an attention and being wanted thing. Weird enough: I often talked about Addiction and Depression after such roleplays, the Chatrooms just invited to talk on a very private, intimate level. It was the only Place where I could talk about it.

My longest streak in Therapy was about 6 days, here at Home im already Happy if I managed to stay away from it for 24 Hours.
I just feel that I really need to build up new healthy habits like drawing or 3D modeling in a close to everyday environment, speaking mostly about work at a Computer - maybe without Internet and a clean Disk Space - or it would just all overhelm me as soon as I have the possibilities back. I can avoid to draw from nude references for a while, but its a must do thing when learning Anatomy.. I gonna watch myself closely so I wont use it as a backdoor to look at nude bodies, or worse browse for references.
Is there a critical phase if you stop? Like you mentioned when anything starts to look attractive, and if, how is it when its over?