I'm new here and this is my story so far...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Saddler, Jan 3, 2017.

  1. Saddler

    Saddler New Fapstronaut

    2
    4
    3
    Hello everyone,

    First I'd like to apologize for any english errors that may be present in the following text, english is not my native language and I'm working on improving it.

    Also I'm really sorry about the huge text, I've been keeping all this to myself for a long time so I want to share everything.

    I'm 22 years old and last week I came to the conclusion that I don't like a single thing about myself. I don't like being addicted to porn, I don't like my personality (this really annoyed after I realized it), I don't like beign a virgin, I'm not happy with my body, I'm not the best at socializing, I'm not happy with my skillsets and I do not know what'll be of my life.

    I made a list of things that I don't like about my personality and then I wrote down what I'll do to change it, it's been 2 weeks since I've made that list and it's working so far, I've been able to control myself by being self-aware of my attitudes and thinking twice before acting or saying something, I hope that someday this new way of thinking becomes natural so I don't need to control it anymore.

    All those feeling started exploding in me aproximately 1,5 years ago when I started to think about my future. I wasn't happy with my college, and I'm still not happy with it although I'm in the last year, It feels like a huge wast of time, but it's the only college that is somewhat close to what I want to do, and it's really far from my home, which makes things worse to get out of bed every morning to get there.

    As I said, college is beign a real waste of time in my life so far, I want to finish it to get my diploma just to make things easier to get a job. Thankfully the carreer I'm pursuing does not depend on the college education, I want to be a Concept Artist for video games and films, and I'm doing, or trying to do my best to study the things that are necessary to reach my goals. The thing is that this is an insanely difficult job to get (specially in my country) and it's really time demanding and requires a lot of effort. As I mentioned before, I'm not happy with my skillsets and knowing that getting this job will be hard and that the skills necessary to break into the industry is still far from where I am brings me a lot of frustration. I think that this is normal and I have a bad habit of comparing myself to other people (this is one of the things that I've wrote on my list), the first thing that I look after I see some successfull artist is his or her age. All this frustration drains my motivation and there are days that I don't even want to touch a pencil, this brings the feeling of guilty and that I'm worthless for not doing the things that I should do to get where I want. That's why I don't know what'll be of my life, I don't know if I'll be able to reach my goals and I don't really have a second plan what makes me really terrified about my future.

    I'm fighting procrastination, I'm really easily distracted and I'm using techniques such as Pomodoro and blocking distracting things and websites and it's really helping so far.

    This leads us to what really matters: the porn addiction. Funny that I just realized that when I'm studying the human figure and I have to draw a nude woman, I don't get horny or the urge to finish the drawing and PMO, I don't really know what triggers my body to go watch porn, but when it hits, it's strong and unbelieveble hard to control.

    So that feeling strikes me and I open a porn site, look for a video and I masturbate and instantly after that I start to feel like a piece of worthless sack of shit and all my energy just goes to the void. What really makes me upset is that all those feelings are not enough to stop another urge to PMO, and when the urge strikes again, I'm there doing it agai and the bad feelings just get worse and my energy levels drop even more. Sometimes I masturbate to porn 2 to 3 times a day and the feeling of guity by the end of the day is enormous.

    The porn addiction is really getting in the way of my goals, not to say that I'm also really bad at socializing, I've been with a girl only once and it was a very frustating experience. I also feel really insecure in public, I always think that people are observing, judging and laughing at me all the time.

    I do feel lonely a lot of times, I have few friends, most of the people I know and have social interactions is because they frequent the same place that I do (college), and I don't really trust them to tell all this and they are really different from me in way of thinking and act.

    I'm trying to put an end to it, I've blocked all the porn sites from my PC and phone and I'll fight even harder to stop the PMO, I've read a lot of threads here and I'm really inspired that I'll be capable to do it. On top of that, I'm focusing more on my studies and fighting procrastination, I'm trying to eat better, have a excercise routine and change my personality.

    I'm really confident about putting an end to the things that are getting in the way of my goals and I hope that I'll come back to write a success story someday.

    Thanks for reading.
     
    AndySky180 and D . J . like this.
  2. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you. I would spend some time writing down something that you like about yourself. This journey can be long and hard and remembering something positive may help you feel good about yourself in the hard times.
     
    Saddler and AndySky180 like this.
  3. AndySky180

    AndySky180 Fapstronaut

    2,448
    6,887
    143
    333202_11248637871.gif
    SADDLER!

    Hey, what a GREAT introduction. You write so well too! I wish you all the very best for your NoFap journey. Please call out if you need help with anything ok. Cheers!
     
    Saddler likes this.
  4. Saddler

    Saddler New Fapstronaut

    2
    4
    3
    Thanks D.J. :) I can tell that just by writing this text I feel much better, just removed a really heavy weight from my back and I can focus on changing myself now.
    I'll try to write the things I like about myself, even if it's something really hard to figure out.


    Thanks for your kind words Andy, it's really good to know that I have a place to ask for help and show my feelings without being judged :)

    I'll start writing a Journal soon, I believe that writing down stuff for myself or to share with other is really helpful, it's like when Dumbledore removes his thoughs to put them on the Pensieve :)
     
    D . J . and AndySky180 like this.
  5. AndySky180

    AndySky180 Fapstronaut

    2,448
    6,887
    143
    Awesome. I look forward to your journal!
     
    D . J . likes this.
  6. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    When you begin your journal, be sure to place a link here so that others can find you.
     

Share This Page