I'm tired of the wall

Background

This is my first time trying to join a support site for my porn addiction. I was married and divorced between the ages of 22 and 25. During that time my pornography addiction was in recovery (I've had a problem with it since I was 13), but through the separation and divorce process I dealt with the depression and absence of intimacy with pornography. If I felt lonely, porn. If I missed my ex, porn. It was my way to cope.

Last few years

Currently, and for the last almost 3 years, I have been in the best relationship I have ever been in. I have never hid my pornography use from my girlfriend. For a long time my dependence was fairly balanced. My sexual relationship with my girlfriend was successful, but hindered the intimacy I felt with her.

Wake up call

My pornography addiction is getting worse... Although it was 'balanced' for a while. Sadly, 'balanced' means 'I could still get off with my girlfriend'. I am gravitating away from our sexual relationship. I have used cam sites. I have used omegle. I have gone alone to a strip club (non-sexual, other than lap-dance clothed grinding). Although I have not embellished the details, I have been honest with my girlfriend about my behavior. She does not believe in sexual shame, but she notices a distance between us is starting to grow, and we have since begun a dialogue about my porn addiction. (Non-ultimatum, but self-disclosure of my fear of it.)

I'm blessed to have my girlfriend. She is truly my best friend. I want to stop hiding in my addiction. I want to give myself to her completely -something I have withheld from her.

I hope that the step of registering on NoFap will be the first of many in getting 'back to me'.

-Nonematerial