Introduction & Journal

To join priesthood with an active addiction is unbearable but there is another way too. Giving up priesthood connected to an addiction is like 'pouring out a child with dirty bathwater' as we the Polish use to say. Or cutting off your arm because of a finger infection.
There are ways to separate the bathwater from the child. You tried many ways and approaches to kick the habit but ... there is waiting for you that way which is efficient enough. CPilot found it for example after decades of searching.

 

How's your prayer life?

 

Mines been better and my falls less thanks to increasing the practice of mental prayer. I had noticed that my spiritual life was going nowhere with just tons of vocal prayers. Nothing against them of course but when you realize there are 4 levels of prayer we can all attain through natural means then you soon realize being stuck on the first level for 20 years because you had no idea the others existed makes you kind of frustrated and aware of why a life of virtue has been so difficult. Then you realize they're 9 levels and bam a life of prayer has taken on an entirely new meaning.

I can say by adding mental prayer to my days not only is my relationship with Christ growing stronger every day, but my vocal prayers are deeper now and said with more attention/focus because those they're addressed to are becoming closer to me in my heart.

A book that's really helped with this is called "Coversations with Christ" by Peter Thomas Rohrbach. Maybe you've already read this since my priest said he received the book in his first year of seminary so maybe you did as well? I was trying to get through "The Ways of Mental Prayer" by Lehodey but it's too dry, currently, so I figured I will tackle that after I'm done with the other book.

I'm also reading a book, recommended by my confessor, called "Unwanted" by Jay Stringer. I've decided to take this one with me during my daily holy hour since the subject is extremely personal and it helps to have Christ present in the blessed sacrament during reflections. My confessor recommended it to me based on my past since I too was sexually abused when I was 10 years old, by my step-mother. Having this book, along with daily mass and prayer, has been allowing me to bring some deeply rooted issues/wounds to God in our talks. I've felt called to either the priesthood or religious life but I likewise feel a need to do some serious healing before pursuing either of those paths and if they're not God's will then I still need to be in a better state for marriage.

Anyway, I don't think you should leave the priesthood. Our Lord ordained you and so He will supply the graces needed to heal you and work through you. There are a lot of men who could benefit from a priest who knows of this pain and who's conquered with with Christ.

 

As Mr. Eko said, I found a way to freedom from this sin after 50 years of addiction. Mr. Eko reached out to me at the beginning of my current streak of purity and described His Catholic Method. I highly recommend it.

I feel extremely blessed to be in the situation I am in as a married man to a wonderful wife. However, please note that despite a wonderful marriage of over 40 years, this fact did not prevent me from committing this sin. My sinful desire was not slaked by relations with my wife.

When I review the hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times I tried to stop committing this sin, I see two consistent factors. (1) I became lazy about my commitment to daily heartfelt prayer and (2) I became lazy about my commitment to stop myself from lingering over every temptation (venial sin prior to mortal sin) presented to me, be they in the form of pictures, persons or thoughts. Lately, I can see I need to add a 3rd causal factor to this list. Specifically, I allowed myself to feel self-pity over some event or stressful situation and thus sought to self-comfort.

Father, our faith needs you. Please continue the struggle while remaining in the priesthood. If a sinner as entrenched as I was for 5 decades can find freedom, I am sure a man of your wisdom and determination can do the same. May God bless you for your vocation and your determination.

 

After the late priest Blachnicki ( well known in Poland ) I would say that the first identity or base of a priest (and every Christian too ) is to be a disciple of Jesus. Jesus said the definition of His disciple - ''those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.'' If somebody is a disciple they are being saved, rescued, recovered already on the earth. Who are those who are Christians but not able now to ''give up everything you have'' ? They are called by fr Blachnicki supporters, fans of Jesus (so candidats to become disciples). Supporters of Jesus are only partially open for God's grace (salvation = recovery). So everybody of us - if priests or lay persons must do everything possible to become disciples. The question is what to do to do this all possible. The church and saints say about it but we accept / implement this only partially.

Healing is salvation and Jesus is salvation too. So healing = Jesus. Who knows Hebrew they know that Jeshua and salvation and healing is the same word. Isaiah 53,5 ''But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him,
and by His wounds we are healed.''

Now you think so because your point of view is of an addict. Can an addict think clearly? I suppose you are in a secular therapy. Guess what many therapists advise to patients being under stress? - masturbation or looking for someone to have sex. I didn't read about it - Some people in therapy told me so. I'm not against therapies but they mostly don't include faith or sometimes advise something against it. Only secular means as if God didnt exist or existed but was only an Observer / Watcher without the will to intervene.

Yes, any addiction is only a visible result of something more basic and invisible - our thoughts, emotions, decisions - they must be treated, healed but you heard this for sure during therapies.

To be more practical - if you have this task from your therapist which led you to choose this site then read what I posted here in the Catholic section on the Roman Catholic forum -the threads under the titles:
- ''7 year's freedom from pmo - my Catholic method''
- ''mechanisms of addictions and fighting them - according to an exorcist priest''
- ''Proven tips to effectively get rid of PMO''
- ''Useful statements of Jesus (in the fight against pmo) from a private revelation''

I'm a practical person and choose only what works - I officially invite you to read my material and it would be very interesting to hear your opinion - what do you agree with and what do you disagree. Your knowledge of theology will make the matter far easier. In case you agreed you could try this way. What could I promise to you? If you try it you'll be free. Is that way difficult? No, it's easy rather or at least not difficult. Is it instead of a therapy? No, you could go two ways they are not in conflict as far as therapists don't try to steal your faith.

 

Thank you father for joining this forum! Your honesty about your struggle is an aid to all of us and as fervent Catholics, our prayers and our hearts are with you. I am sure whatever decision you make about your future will be a well considered one, rooted and grown in prayer.

I do not presume to teach a priest. I am filled with respect for your knowledge and the intellect you are blessed with. I can only speak from my heart as I don't have the theological education to offer a more intellectual response. So, please allow me to offer some thoughts from Archbishop Fulton Sheen that have helped me as of late.

Excerpt From: Fulton J. Sheen. “Life of Christ.” iBooks. https://books.apple.com/us/book/life-of-christ/id420338763

“And now Jesus was led by the Spirit

Away into the wilderness,

To be tempted there by the devil.

MATTHEW 4:1


Temptation was a negative preparation for His ministry, as baptism had been a positive preparation. In His baptism, He had received the Spirit and a confirmation of His mission; in His temptations, He received the strengthening which comes directly from trial and testing. There is a law written across the universe, that no one shall be crowned unless he has first struggled. No halo of merit rests suspended over those who do not fight. Icebergs that float in the cold streams of the north do not command our respectful attention, just for being icebergs; but if they were to float in the warm waters of the Gulf Stream without dissolving, they would command awe and wonderment. They might, if they did it on purpose, be said to have character.
​

The only way one can ever prove love is by making an act of choice; mere words are not enough. Hence, the original trial given to man has been given again to all men; even the angels have passed through a trial. Ice deserves no credit for being cold, nor fire for being hot; it is only those who have the possibility of choice that can be praised for their acts. It is through temptation and its strain that the depths of character are revealed. Scripture says:
“Blessed is he who endures under trials.

When he has proved his worth,

He will win that crown of life,

Which God has promised to those who love Him.

JAMES 1:12”
And one of my favorite quotes from Archbishop Sheen " only the pure are tempted by the devil, the others are already his".

 

I'm glad you replied,
Personally, I daubt you sin gravely doing pmo even multiple of times as far as you try to pray, do a therapy and invent new plans for getting rid of pmo. But you are a priest and you must know it - if you daubt it then you can talk about it with your confessor. At least most of my confessors said so - because of the lack of the one of the 3 elements (sinful act, my knowledge about the sinfullness of the act and MY FULLY FREE WILL ). Pmo addicts lack the fullness of free will so they commit only venial sins doing pmo - it helps practically because they can even take Communion so be in communion with Jesus and then pmo is only a disease (to some extent a sin depending on our personal grade of freedom of will ). And excluding some state of despair telling that nothing (even God) can change my life - falling into the state of hopelessness would be a grave sin but as far as we fight and try to get out (even unsuccessfully as for now) the state of despair isn't existing.
Don't cease praying - even immediatelly after a long pmo session, pray when feeling bad, afraid, aggressive etc., do the therapy and read the material. Pmo is nothing worth of our focuse. Only God is worth of it. Head up! as the Polish say.

 

My last episode of PMO was a new low in my 50 year history of succumbing to this temptation. I am not sure it will help to describe it so I will refrain. Nevertheless, I was disgusted with myself and the following day, I resolved to recommence my efforts to resist. Armed with the strategy Mr. Eko graciously provided, and a root cause analysis of my previous failed attempts at freedom, I have found new strength, beyond any I have managed before. Clearly, God reached down into my depths of sin and despair and guided me.

As my strength grew and I recognized that PMO was my most immediate impediment to holiness, I asked the Father to show me what I should further focus on. It was a hard lesson but I was led to realize that my temper was a bigger issue than I had recognized. As I now focus on this insidious character flaw, my wife greets me multiple times per day to express how much more she feels loved by me and I feel how much closer I am to our merciful Father. I am saddened when I think of all of the years I wasted before coming closer to Our Precious Lord and the grief I brought to my loved ones.

Truly whatever the cost, freedom is worth the price. If it only means locking up the device you use for PMO or even destroying it, isn't that a small cost?

 

Even this can change. Now I see my pmo tendencies as a reminder what can happen if I start neglecting my faith life. I feel like walking across a mine field. My path is clearly marked and clear of mines but I know what will happen when I decide to cross this narrow path - the boundaries of it are Church teaching and my employment of it. In such a way my potential pmo tendencies are a vehicle to holiness. In this method employed by me I can choose only between trying to become holy day after day or the all my construction will collapse if I'll try living according to my own rules, ignoring God and His demands from me.( demands understood as limits which mark my safety area beyond of which are the mines). There is no between room. Either this or that.

 

It was the sign (this rage and anger) that it was only abstinence but not recovery. You had to come back to your addiction because how long could you experience the increasing anger? a year, two ... ten? You couldn't stand it one day and had to 'medicate' your pain with the best known 'medicine'. That's why without prayer at the time of bad feelings, (anger, rage, inner pain, boredom, hopelessness ) we are practically without choice but to fall in order to experience at least some hours of the 'pain healing' extasy. The prayer exact at the time of this inner misery is a real medicine giving us peace and reducing the pain, sometimes even eliminating the pain, giving us some joy... The trap is we think it's enough to pray once or twice at the time of bad feelings and thoughts and we expect that it will change us for a long time but the truth is after one prayer the healing has soon it's end and we have to renew our prayer and so on.... it's the use of the teaching on actual grace. This grace is only temporary - only for one situation, one period of time or even only for now. In 15 minutes I can experience no healing resulting from my prayer because the actual grace is over. Now is the time for another prayer .. and so on - a chain of prayers - sometimes even some prayer battles can last an hour, two or even a few hours.

I like your cautiousness. 3 hours is doable. Next time could be 5 hours or so - your inner voice (God?) will tell you what will be doable next. It's time to experience the 3 hour freedom being ready to fight like a lion -it's time to experience this forgotten determination of your will when you know that you have no choice but to complete the whole promise. It's the time to feel free at least for 3 hours but next time you can prolong the time of your freedom... and this potential increase gives you more hope and joy.

 

Yes, you've understood this system. Ambition to be perfect can destroy all the method. What is better - to begin perfectly without any acting out after completed promises and one day not being able to keep a too ambitious promise and break it and the whole method OR to be imperfect at the beginning (allowing acting out when too tired with constant temptations ) but keeping the method and ensuring yourself years of freedom and joy? I'm glad you know the answer. I know a few persons who were too ambitious at the beginning not allowing pmo after a completed promise. Yes, they wanted to be perfect. Today they even are not on this site or giving up the method as ineffective they spend following year(s) searching for another solution. Don't be perfect now but become perfect over time.

 

I have had the same experience. Success can also bring a desire for a reward and it can lead to complacency. In the past, I was scared to go to Confession. Not because of the act itself, although it is still daunting to bare one's soul to another human being, but because afterwards the elation I felt from the freedom I obtained, sometimes resulted in an immediate relapse. Churchill said "Success is not permanent, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts."