Introduction & Journal

I would like to use my introduction post as my general journal. I plan on updating it at least once a week, likely on Sundays, or as needed.

I am grateful for my time of abstinence. I am also grateful for the promises that I have made for the past two weeks and have been able to keep by God's grace. Two weeks ago I promised to return to the practice of praying Lauds. Last week I combined it with the promise to also pray Vespers. Some days this was not always done as well as could have, but it was done nonetheless. It is doing much good to my soul! The Words of Scripture never fail.

This week I would like to focus on self-care, specifically in my relation to technology. I have fallen into the custom of watching videos and the like on my phone as I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up. Additionally, I have played video games to an excess, forsaking other more productive endeavors. Hence, for this week, I make the following three promises:

• I will not use my phone/computer/Switch/etc. when in bed, whether it be at night or in the morning.
• I will use a regular alarm to wake up so that I can let the bathroom be the charging station for my devices (and thus remove the temptation to reach out to them while on my bed).
• I will once again add a time limit to my Switch. To this end, I will ask my brother today to help me set up a "Parental" time limit so that I can only play one hour during weekdays, two on Saturday and Sunday. Furthermore, I will ask him to change the password he set up (and then later revealed to me) so that I will not be able to add more time when playing.

This will be a good start. It is doable objectively, though it will certainly be challenging subjectively due to bad habits. With God's grace I can persevere. His Will, not mine, be done.

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

Thank you, CPilot! I am happy to report that it has already born fruit.

My Switch now is limited to one hour a day of use Monday through Friday, two hours on Saturday and Sunday. I've reduced the cut off time to 10 PM whereas before it was 11 PM. And my brother has reset the password so that I cannot disable the Parental Features once I hit the limit. Maybe one day I won't need that last step, but, for now, it is what gives me a reasonable chance.

I left my phone charging in the living room. When my lights automatically turned off at 11PM, I was able to accept it was time to sleep and close my eyes. Before I would have reached out to my phone, if I wasn't already using it. Then, when I woke up, I reached out to get my phone to watch some videos. It wasn't there. And because I wasn't there, I was able to pray Lauds as well as Matins, do my stretching exercises, clean my room, clean my bathroom, and do some chores around the house to help out. It felt natural and good. And all because when I reached out for my phone, it wasn't there!

Sometimes little steps can produce enormous results. Having a consistent sleep schedule without the use of media is one of those small things for me. When that is in place, so many things fall into place automatically. And the great thing is that since now my room and bathroom are clean, getting them to that point will only be a few minutes rather than half an hour, leaving me with some more time for recovery work or actual exercise. Praise be to God!

I feel better, more "manly," more in control of those things that God desires me to be in control of. And today, I also promise to abstain from PMO until Wednesday at 10PM. At that point, I may do as I wish without compromising this promise. May God give me the good sense to renew my holy desires, which are themselves gifts from Him.

Finally, tomorrow I will see my Spiritual Director. I hope to go to Confession with him, after over a year of not having done so. I've had great reservations about making use of the Sacraments this last year. It is time I entrust those reservations to God. There is no fault in the Sacraments. They are God's holy works.

Please keep me in your prayers, everyone. I will keep you in mine.

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

I am divided on the answer, I think in part because I hold that the manifestations of addiction can reveal both a disease and a moral issue. To the degree that a person is compromised in his capacity to think clearly and chose willingly, then it is to that degree culpability is reduced. And as mortal sin requires full knowledge and deliberate consent, then it is my view that it is certainly possible that a lapse in chastity could be, for a given person in a very specific circumstance, a venial, not a mortal, sin.

Having said this, it is interesting that when the Catechism talks about the sins against chastity by means of masturbation, it mentions the following: "To form an equitable judgment about the subjects' moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability." (CCC 2352). I say it is interesting because it falls within the paragraph for masturbation and not lust in general, which is the preceding one.

As I see it, this is not necessary mean that the same principle cannot apply as well to pornography. For some, the sin of masturbation is so tightly bound to the sin of pornography, that to engage in the former is to (almost?) automatically bring up the other, especially due to how much the internet is quasi omnipresent in our lives. In my case, I had people tell me, "At the very least, if you masturbate, then don't add to it pornography," which makes total sense--in theory. But in practice, my desire to masturbate puts me in such a reduced state of mind, that to not watch pornography simultaneously is, as far as I can tell, impossible. In my mind, it'd be like telling a person who struggles with alcoholism to stick to beer only and not add liquor when getting totally wasted. When the person is drunk, the capacity to do one without the other is gone, and I think that without having the addiction oneself, it is not easy to see how absurd this advice is practically speaking.

Yet what also must be kept in mind is that, "Feigned ignorance and hardness of heart do not diminish, but rather increase, the voluntary character of a sin" (CCC 1859). Could it be that when it comes to PMO, a person rejects the necessary means to achieve and grow in chastity due to the hard work it requires, especially when it comes to self-will? I think so, for as the Catechism also states: "Self-mastery is a long and exacting work. One can never consider it acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life. The effort required can be more intense in certain periods, such as when the personality is being formed during childhood and adolescence." (CCC 2342). So if a person should fall into PMO because he has resisted knowingly and willingly what he knows needs to be done "to stay sober"--prayer, exercise, healthy habits, whatever the case might be--then, to me, the answer as to whether it is mortal or venial is not so clear.

So I think this brings up your condition that a person is really trying to rid himself of PMO in a realistic fashion. And as "[c]hastity has laws of growth which progress through stages marked by imperfection and too often by sin" (CCC 2343), it is possible that a person should fall into PMO not for lack of trying, but due to the initial ignorance of knowing what it is that must be practiced in other areas of one's life, or due to the great weakness that is present at the beginning of one's journey towards chastity, even if the means are coming more clearly into focus.

Perhaps I am wrong, and the mitigated culpability mentioned in 2352 for masturbation is not to be applied to the sin of pornography mentioned in 2354 also. What I can tell you is that in practice, as a priest, I was ordained with a fully blown out PMO addiction. This meant that I could go to confession by morning and be back at it before the end of the day. And as other priests were far away, daily confession before Mass was not possible. Yet saying Mass daily was required out of justice. Hence, I was advised (a) not to make an extra effort to confess it during the week as trying to do so was making my life even further unmanageable, (b) to bring it up only during my regularly scheduled confessions, and (c) to think of my lapses into PMO as venial sins only. Now whether the last part was actually true or not, I do not know. All I know that to be acting out PMO almost constantly while also trying to celebrate the Sacraments daily in such a way as described above was torture. A person may not be culpable for drinking a glass of poison, yet its deadly effects remain in place nonetheless...

I think, for me, it will be better moving forward to abstain from Communion after engaging in PMO rather than receiving. There is grace to be received also in spiritual acts of communion, from the hearing of God's Word attentively during the first part of Mass, from all the prayers that are said as a Body all throughout, and from the blessing that is received at the end by all from the priest. To be able to go to Mass and not HAVE to receive has been an invaluable blessing. It is why I resist the idea of ever having to be in a position where a constant celebrations of the Sacraments is expected. I hope I never find myself in that Hell hole again!

But my capacity to think clearly on this matter may be affected as well. So I'll just let all of that go, and focus on today. By God's grace may I stay healthy. By God's grace, may I remain in His merciful embrace.

Pax

 

Having gone to a treatment facility for sex addiction, it is amazing how much hurt there can be behind an addiction. It allows for compassion, even self-compassion, to see perhaps for the first time the many crosses one has been bearing, even unknowingly. Addiction can then be like a crutch to help one with the weight of it all--and perhaps, for a while, it seems to work, providing a distraction from all the chaos and pain. Yet, of course, it is empty and cannot hold. Here is where the recovery work begins -- to help build up resilience through healthy and God-oriented means. The force of habit though is no small matter! I far underestimated in my case how much it would fight back.

I was leaning in this direction also, especially where due to my OCD I can dissect and further dissect a question or situation until I lose all peace of mind. "Maybe it's a venial sin if one just watches a little bit, but a mortal if one does it for hours? But then this would disregard the state of mind that makes tunnel vision such a paralyzing reality. Then maybe length of viewing doesn't determine? Yet perhaps if considered from this other angle..." so on and so forth as the day passes me by, with all of the beautiful possibilities to create new memories and closeness to God and others. This is why I find the advise from the Spiritual Combat so helpful in acknowledging sin on the spot. After doing so, don't wonder whether you did it right, or whether you were forgiven -- these are distractions. Just "forget about it" and move on.

Esto es lo ideal. Que hermosa gracia es encontrar nueva fuerza gracias a los Sacramentos.

 

Yesterday and today I was faithful to my promise to not use my phone/any media playing devices while in bed. I feel the need for stimulus as soon as my head hits the pillow. There are so classics I'd like to get back to, but, for now, to make the transition less jarring, I am choosing to read comic books. The visual "pow-pow-BOOM!" provides a bit of what I was getting before, while moving me in a calmer, more reading focused direction. My goal is to move on to novels next week.

This morning I was able to have a prayerful, quite, productive time, again thanks to the fact I am not able to reach out for my phone first thing in the morning. I am now saying Matins again and doing so right before Lauds, not because I promised it, but because it feels... natural and right. Also, I took the extra time I had to do some basic grooming, which I tend to let go of when in addiction. I am grateful!

Today I also renew my earlier promise to not engage in PMO until Wednesday at 10pm. I also include in this not purposely engaging in more voyeuristic behaviors--i.e., sitting at a particular table when at the coffee shop to more easily lust after particular women. Doing so is, for me, pornographic in nature, and thus a relapse. It's not the same thing, of course, as suddenly realizing there is someone very attractive walking by, and then having to use tools to disengage the situation. That is naturally to be expected and part of the growth towards self-mastery. May God, the Source of All Beauty--help me in those moments also to find what I'm looking for in Him.

I also want to take a moment to surrender anxieties about the future and fears concerning the present. It's all in God's hands, and I am doing what I think is His will today. That's all that matters.

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

Day 3 of using my nights and mornings differently. Reached out twice in my wake up state for the phone and it wasn't there. I crave novelty constantly. I find myself, for example, checking this forum to see if there are new messages throughout the day. Dopamine wants its excitement! Learning to be content with "boring" is something for which I must strive.

Some desires have come up to fantasize, lust. I surrender them to God's Mercy. And by His grace, I had a victory at a coffee shop when I felt the urge to sit somewhere based on where someone else was sitting at. I ignored it and redirected that desire.

My heart is a bit heavy. Found out some news that are very much bitter sweet. I surrender it and ask God for the grace of acceptance.

Hope you all have a beautiful, sober, sane, and holy day!

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

Like clockwork, I had a relapse two days ago at the 14 day mark -- same as my previous streak before then. I was so concerned I might psychologically trap myself into acting out, so I wasn't even keeping track of days. It's just something I realized when I looked again at the counter to reset it.

I recommit to my sobriety, making a promise to stay sober until noon this day.

Onward unto God!
Pax

 

I also want to check in that last night I had one of my recurring dreams. I dreamt that I was getting married to the person I dated for three years in real life, but her annulment to her current marriage in the dream world was never requested. Then I realized also that my request to be returned to the lay state had also never been submitted. Hence, the marriage had to be cancelled. This is a dream that I've had literally hundreds of times throughout the last 12+ years with some variations. We are about to become united in marriage, but something, or someone, intervenes - whether it be her getting married, or her entering religious life, or me becoming a priest, or her dad not approving and showing up on horseback to stop it all... It used to be multiple times a week, almost daily in my seminary days, but now it's every once in a while. My more current recurring dream is that of being back in ministry, and finding myself in that "trap" once again. This is the dream that is happening multiple times a week now. Not even in my dreams can I find relief from OCD!

I trust it will get better. It is something I will bring up to my OCD specialist. There has been so much to cover, that I haven't had a chance to bring these recurring dreams up! The pain from unrequited/frustrated human love and the fear of becoming trapped in a spiritual hell due to ecclesial obedience appear to be very much deeply ingrained in my psyche. May God grant healing and peace.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that marriage is not the solution. I've been to many treatment/recovery centers and 12 Step groups to know that such is the case, and that, at times, entering into marriage has only made everything more unmanageable. The fact that it keeps coming up in my dreams, like a hiccup, leads me to believe it is an almost a-rational belief/desire/frustration/wound/etc. buried deep within my heart. At the very least, I do not wake up with the same I used to when having the dreams about marriage. It was like relieving the deep pain I felt after the break up of that relationship after three years. Looking back, I am certain that there was much mutual "co-dependencies," to put it in modern terms, and that a lot of immoderate/unhealthy binding took place as a result. And yes, "the grass is always greener on the other side," as we say in the US!

I agree, which is why I wasn't even keeping up with "sobriety days." The fact that my relapses keep happening at the two week mark is just a data point.