Is it just me?

“Ignore their false information.” Thanks. That was helpful! “Try and stumble upon the good info that’s on this site”? That’s hilarious. If it doesn’t take a magic mirror then why do so many of you magically spread false and unworthy information?

So what is the perfect man? You tell us. You all are in pursuit of the perfect woman when you are looking at porn. We don’t know what the perfect man is because there isn’t one any more than any of us are perfect women. They don’t exist.

Are there certain traits in a guy that make them worthy? Absolutely. Honesty. Integrity. Commitment. Those are just a few. What makes them unworthy? Lying. Cheating. Get the picture? And yes we expect it. If these traits are unacceptable to you just come right out and be honest be a man about it and have the balls to say so. That’s what we want. If you want to indulge in this behavior that’s fine. Just don’t expect us to embrace it. We won’t. Not ever. Because it doesn’t represent what we want in a relationship. In our lives. I don’t think it is too much to ask for what we want. If you want those things go knock yourself out. Just don’t expect us to go along with it. What Psalm said.

Do you not think that we like pleasure for the sake of having fun? We do. What we don’t like is the betrayal. The lies. The constant having to look over our shoulders. Having to figure out what you’ve been up to. Where you have been. Who you have been with. Do you know anyone that has ever contracted a lifelong life threatening STD because of their husband’s unfaithfulness? I do. It’s a very shitty thing to do to someone for the self-centered selfish actions of her husband. She can never have children. She will always have the STDs unless they come out with a cure in our lifetime. She is very limited on who is willing to even have a relationship with her because of her STDs. She is so young and so beautiful and has much of her life ahead of her...hopefully if she doesn’t do something drastic like kill herself. What is more important? Your indulgence? Or our life? Go indulge yourself. Just be up front and honest with your intentions.

 

Just a word of caution jcl1990. They may take the vows seriously. But the addiction doesn't give a damn about vows. It gives a damn about the dopamine. They care. They just haven't figured out there is a way to teach their brain to prioritize their vows over dopamine. At least that's what I have learned.

 

Exactly. Those who continue to MO and blame all of their addiction on P do not have much of an understanding of the addiction.

This whole reboot concept? Too many tend to believe all they need to do is reboot and then they can carry on and continue to PMO or MO completely ignoring the dopamine surge they are creating. The process is the same as it is for a drug addiction or any other addiction. It doesn’t care if we omit one step such as P.

So good for you if this is the path you want to take. We’re proud of you.

 

Interesting. Stegiss I’m not going to go into my past history except to say that I had my lightbulb moment long ago when this wonderful man helped me to see and process my betrayal trauma and my husband’s addiction. He’s been clean now for going on four years and our relationship marriage and sex life has never been better. We all have our reasons. Mine is to help those to learn what I have learned the things that actually work and to point out those that don’t. The more I read not just here but virtually everywhere the more I see precisely the crap that I believed in that I read before and tried and it all failed miserably.

Your sense of aggression is not about me. It’s about you. That is your interpretation of it. Quite honestly I anticipate that from someone who is an addict even if they are active in recovery. We saw it too many times before. One of the things that we did in one of our breakout sessions was to confront our husbands. All of us as a group. It was incredibly eye opening for both of us. Just because you’re active in recovery doesn’t mean you’re recovered. You have a long road ahead of you. This idea that a 90 day reboot while great is just a starting point. From what I have learned it is only enough time to heal your brain. That’s it. Then the real work of recovery begins. Then the real therapy begins. So many of you have this idea that 90 days of sobriety somehow fixes you is nothing more than wishful thinking. I find that rather troublesome for many of you to believe. So sense away because that is on you. If you see it as aggression then I would say to you that you need to check your own wounds to figure out where that is coming from...something else I learned in my recovery. I learned that so much of my reaction towards someone else was not about them but about me. I have no interest in being aggressive. I do have an interest in telling you the truth...something you all have been deprived of just as we were.

You know why you view it that way and why you sense a belongingness with females? Maybe it is because I understand them...because I empathize with them...because I validate them...something that you should be doing. It also helps that I am one of them. If any of you did those things, it would pay huge dividends in your relationship. I’m not telling you anything new other women in here haven’t said. Maybe they didn’t say it the same way I did but they said it just the same. You're just not listening. I learned that because it was so ingrained in everything we worked so hard to obtain and my husband finally figured out the necessity for it. He finally got it. Once he left this all behind and found genuine recovery everything changed. I don’t hate men. I just hate that addiction makes them act like little boys and then they expect to be respected and treated as if they are men. Stop acting like a damned child and we will stop treating you like one.

Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t pity me. I am grateful that I experienced it. If it weren’t for going through this very painful process we would never be where we are today. As difficult and painful as it was it was worth it. So don’t feel sorry for me. Because of the support we received we don’t need it anymore. But both of us do follow the 12 steps and if you knew anything about them you would know what the last step is. That’s why I’m here. I don’t really care who is offended by the truth. I only care about who is helped by it. My husband is here too but I will not name him. Please stop projecting this idea that I will eventually heal. I am healed. I would hope and pray that you all would stop paying so much attention to those who have a whole lot to say here yet say absolutely nothing of value. If I commented on all of them I wouldn’t have time for my husband and children and that just isn’t going to happen.

Here is something else that I learned because my husband used to be this way and other husbands in our groups. All of you who are premature in your recovery typically see any criticism we have of you as aggression towards you. It’s just the nature of addiction I suppose. You tend to become defensive and try to justify your position no matter how ridiculous it is. But because of your addition you don’t see it as ridiculous. It is ironic you use terms like “superior” and “aggressive” when that is precisely what we have experienced from you until you actually recovered. Just because you stopped PMO doesn’t mean you’re recovered. It just means you’ve stopped PMO. If you continue to act like an asshole like my husband did then you’re not recovered. You find someone or something else to blame for your unacceptable behavior. What you see as aggression we see as the truth but for those of you offended by it you can’t handle the truth.

So if you don’t understand where I am coming from I hope this removes all doubt.

You’re welcome.

 

Well Psalm, you certainly did more than I was willing to do. This "do you have examples of the kind of lies or bad advice that you're talking about?" wasn't worth responding to. You're kidding right? Damn you can take about any one thread and find them. Talk about the blind leading the blind. If you can't see it there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm not willing to go through the time and effort to point them out.

ANewFocus I don't really care what he means. I know what I mean. I know what I said. Something else I learned too. If a label offends you is it because maybe it suits you? If it doesn't apply to you then why would it bother you so? If you're acting like an asshole then why is it not acceptable to you to be told you're acting like one? I mean seriously. Yes addicts act like a damned child too. Take any addict other than yourself and tell me they don't. I never called anyone an asshole except perhaps that my husband acted like one. He knows it too. He admitted it. Can you all not admit it? This is where you boys need to learn how to read and comprehend what you read and write instead of trying to interpret it as something it is not. You tell me "you seem". Well stop making assumptions about what I seem. That is your perception. Not my reality. You seem hurt by it but I don't feel compelled to tell you that. Get the picture? JSYK I am comfortable labeling things what they are. It's called being forthright and honest. I did not insult anyone.

I see that several of you here have come forth and instead of addressing the original message are ready to challenge me over your perception of it. That's fine. I didn't ask for your opinions in the first place. I said and I quote "Or do any of you women feel like there are a hand full of men giving out some really bad advice in the Rebooting in a Relationship forum?". I think I posted it in the proper forum and if I didn't please forgive me. So which of you identify as a woman? Just curious. It goes hand in hand with your overall inability to follow directions. These are all some of the signs and symptoms I learned about addiction. Did you not learn them?

 

SMFH!

Sam-wise if all you want to do is stop looking at porn then stop looking at porn. But we both know that it isn't that simple. That isn't the underlying issue now is it. If it were that simple anyone who has a porn addiction could stop instantaneously. Have none of you learned that the addiction isn't about porn? That the addiction is to dopamine? At least that is what I learned. If you continue to pursue the dopamine no matter whether it is through porn masturbation drugs alcohol gambling food it just doesn't matter. It all comes back to the same thing. It all comes back to dopamine. We also learned that the reason we pursue the dopamine is to cope with our wounds from our past. I'm not a therapist. I'm just a wife with a husband that went through it. I also had my own recovery.

"As an addict, a narcissist, an asshole, It takes one to know one" LOL what grade are you in third? No it doesn't take one to know one. It just takes one educated on it enough to identify one. Are you really only 2 days sober as displayed on your counter? That explains a lot. Your hostility towards someone willing to point out the truth is indicative of one who is very much active in their addiction. Instead of attacking me why don't you ask for help? Or are you too proud to ask for help? My communication between me and my husband is just fine. I wasn't always this forward. It was something I learned as part of my recovery. I don't need therapy nor does my husband anymore. Our counselor released us and said we didn't need him anymore because we had both recovered. He doesn't just keep people coming to see him for the sake of coming to see him. I'm sure to someone like you that I would be "miserable AF" to be around because you're an addict and I'm not willing to put up with the toxicity an addict exhibits anymore. Wasn't it you who said "it takes one to know one" so that would imply that you too are "miserable AF" would it not? Stop projecting your perception of how I seem. You still fail to comprehend that your perception is your problem and my reality is mine. If you really want to go down that path you seem hell bent on defending the indefensible but I do expect that out of an addict.