Is it ok to not be honest?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by logan_wolf, May 10, 2020.

  1. logan_wolf

    logan_wolf Fapstronaut

    This question is for ppl who are doing better and are in a relationship. I know honesty helps but not every situation requires honesty. Sometimes honestly may make you feel better but hurt someone else and that I believe is selfish. So my question is To those that are in a relationship or married, have you told your SO about the problem? And how did they handle it? Is it better to tell them or try to recover on your own?
    kropo82 likes this.
  2. Les_Brown

    Les_Brown Fapstronaut

    Every couple has a series of shared and individual values. In my opinion, if honesty is one of these values (either shared by both or just one individual), then secrets kept are simply a violation of these values. Just as a nation's strength is built upon adherence to a set of values, so is a relationship.

    I think what's more important though is not revealing the secret, but how it's done. Approaches that are better received include:
    a) helping the other person feel like it's not their fault
    b) demonstrating a commitment to change through (preferably) prior or future actions you will take to overcome addiction.

    Every SO may react differently ... Regardless it will be painful whether they know now or later. Thus, why keep secrets?
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I’m an so. You believe being honest is selfish but lying while you carry on a secret sexual life is ok? This is the argument every single addict on here uses. That they are protecting their significant other and will get clean without telling them. You are really only protecting yourself, your addiction and the possibility of losing your partner. That’s all completely selfish. You have already hurt your partner, even if they don’t “ know”. You have taken away their freedom of choice, to know you and choose to stay or go. Very few addicts get clean without being completely honest with their significant other. This addiction thrives in secrecy. Being honest and disclosing is one of the bravest most honest, healing things you can do. I wish my husband had been honest with me! I wish he would’ve trusted me. Instead I discovered a secret life and floored me. My husband would’ve adamantly argued that “ my wife will leave me, she will hate me, she will lose all respect for me”. Did I leave him when I found out? No, but I insisted on boundaries and counseling. Most so’s don’t leave because of porn, they leave because of the crazy making lies that they lived with for years. The couples who heal better and faster were the ones the husband came clean to, followed by those who discovered and now the husband is 100%transparent and honest, then the ones who don’t tell their partner. I mean just attend sa or saa groups or ask a csat. It’s pretty much agreed that the most successful with this addiction are honest with their partner.
  4. rostronaut

    rostronaut Nofap Moderator
    Staff Member

    I agree with what everyone said here.
    However being PA myself, I would like to add my perspective
    Since this is the recent most thing taking place in my relationship.
    I would say honesty is one of the core things on which relationship lives.
    I had a choice to lie and cheat, I had a choice to not share and face this addiction. I had problems because of the addiction making me do things that I never wanted to.
    So I told my SO about my addiction, slowly I told her every single thing, about my fetish, about the dopamine rush, why I feel to watch, why I look out for other women Etc.
    My SO had a choice to leave me, my SO instead stayed and is helping me fight this addiction.
    In my previous relationship also I shared but she wasn't supportive, thank God that relationship ended
    I am Happy with my spouse and I am really greatful that she understands and helps.
    However after sharing, I have become more concerned about my addiction and want to desperately get rid of it. Today I am not only doing it for myself, but for my SO also. I don't want my Kids to call me PA Dad. Before I have kids I have the time period to get rid of this addiction And I will get rid of it.
    However even if my SO leaves me today or in future, I won't be disappointed, though I would be destroyed but atleast I won't be ashamed that I hid from her something. I would be proud of myself and not have any guilt.

    Well this is a long journey and I have told her that I admit I am an porn addict, other women's are trigger for me, about my fetish. I don't give excuses for my relapses. Sometimes her shouting really helps. Sometimes looking at her I feel, why am I doing this.
    So one more advantage is that confessing to your partner, you will come to know whether your SO is really helpful or not. Because she isn't. Then I don't think she will support for some other things in future.

    I know it hurts people, but what is truth is truth. Even if it hurts Her, I would suggest you to tell her. Because someday you have to face it. When will you tell her? the day when you are not able to look into her eyes, the day when you are not able to perform in bed. Just be confident and make your heart out, your relationship will have some bad days, but gradually if you increase your streak and make her believe that you are working, everything will work out to be good.

    Also sharing is one part. But only you have to face this addiction, your SO won't face the PMO for you. YOU have to fight, because my friend you are in problem that's how it is for me.
    Well I don't know it's wrong today. But I believe in my relationship and spouse. Now I just have to do my part.

  5. seeking change

    seeking change Fapstronaut

    I think honesty is very important in a relationship. However, if porn is a deal breaker it's hard to say. Maybe just bring up porn topic one day and see how they react. Mostly I don't think anyone will break up just if you admit you have porn addiction. In fact we make it worse by hiding.

    My wife knew about my erection problem before marriage and still she married me. As it works sometimes with pills. I told her about my porn addiction too one day. And she has been really supportive. We both have been working it out. I have looked at other ways of satisfying her and I guess it worked. Been married for almost 3 years now. It's been a struggle but we are in it together. Seen many doctors too as I don't think there is anything wrong in admitting your problem.

    In fact I relapse sometimes and feel bad and guilty about it. Feel like I let us down.

    I still think it would have been really difficult if I wasn't honest from the beginning. Don't think I would have been able to handle all this on my own.
    rostronaut and moonesque like this.
  6. CaptainFranklin

    CaptainFranklin Fapstronaut

    Not every addict but probably a lot. In recovery world not taking responsibility is a plague. No one wants to because then they can keep looking at porn.

    I told my wife 14 years ago when she sensed problems. It is not easy, so I understand the desire not to.
    moonesque likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I meant the addicts who refuse to come clean. They justify why they can’t tell their wife/significant other. There are many addicts who recognize that they need to take responsibility and do tell their partners. They are the ones who are generally most successful in beating this addiction.
  8. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Honesty is about the Truth in life and in a relationship its so essential for it, a relationship is two people's lives together through choice. Holding something back and intentionally lying about it will hurt you so much in the long run as well as your partner as well. I can't stress that enough more than some of the people in this thread. Of course there are proper ways to open up to someone else, but keeping lies from someone you view as close usually feeds the addiction more, lying functions like a mechanism in so many people's lives, it becomes automatic and toxic. Many addicts on here, myself included, have issues with the concept of secrecy and trust, especially with intimacy and closeness in a relationship. Lying or holding a secret only makes that worse. To anyone out there who think that they know best for themselves or their relationship, just remember that is what an addict says. Honesty doesn't ask what is best or not, it is simply reality. You will have to ask yourself what are you really accomplishing.
  9. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    I posted this to somebody else who asked the same question.

    I’m married and I’m in therapy and there are some men there who are married and in relationships. Some have told their partners, some haven’t.

    Of the three who haven’t, two have withdrawn from our Zoom sessions due to “privacy issues” and one is still in the mindset that visiting sex workers was out of his control completely. Their recovery is hanging by a thread and I’ll be very surprised if the two who have temporarily withdrawn aren’t acting out again.

    Of the three who have (myself included), we are committed to change and have learnt to be much more honest, open and accountable to our partners. Our partners have been hurt in a way we can’t truly understand, but we are committed to changing not only our behaviour but our mindsets. We haven’t relapsed, but we live with the guilt of our actions everyday. That’s both a motivation and a source of great pain.

    Think about it the other way around. If your partner was acting in the way you were, would you want her to tell you? Would you rather be kept in the dark, thinking your relationship was something it wasn’t, or would you feel like you deserved to know? Would you take her honesty, that she came to you before she was caught or confronted, as a positive or a negative? Would you want to help her, or would it be too much and you’d leave? Would you want her to value and respect you enough to allow you to make an informed decision on your future? Or would you rather that you never knew, living in blissful ignorance?

    I believe in full disclosure. It took me two full disclosures, spread over the space of about 5 months, to finally tell my wife the truth. I didn’t ask her for help before she found out, she already knew and had tried to talk to me and I lied and lied until she couldn’t take it anymore. When she asked me to figure out what was happening or she would leave, I thought long and hard and realised how my behaviour was wrong. We had no idea how many other problems it was causing without us even knowing. You have to make the decision but if you see a future with your partner, I think you know what you need to do.

    You mustn’t think you’re protecting your partner by not telling her because you’re not. What you’re doing is preventing her from making an informed decision on the future of a relationship she is part of, because you’re scared of what that decision might be.
  10. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Honesty is very important in a relationship, but I do not think everything is so black-and-white. As we've seen from this thread most SOs believe in complete honesty, if there is something you have done which is troubling you then you should tell her. But not all SOs are like that. After my last disclosure (this one) my wife asked me not to tell her enything else that might upset her. She does not want to know. She finds it easier to move on if she is not repeatedly pulled back to her sense of hurt with yet another traumatic reason to hate me. She has decided to put all that behind her and to get on with our marriage and enjoy the man I am becoming.

    I am lucky, I have nothing more to disclose, but if I did have any nagging secrets I would be in a quandary: I would have to respect my wife's wishes and keep quiet about them.

    My therapist also urged caution. She believes in honesty but she also sees lots of clients (men with sex addiction problems) who get a taste for disclosure. There is something cathartic about it. You take a behaviour that troubles you, or an event you are ashamed of, and you offer it up in the name of honesty to your wife. You feel unburdened and free, but she is now the one bearing all that weight.

    I do not have an answer. Openess, honesty, and a lack of guilty secrets is obviously important. But unburdening oneself is not the same as taking responsibility for one's actions, and can be hurtful. @logan_wolf do you have a particular secret in mind? What is your SO's attitude to honesty?
    Last edited: May 13, 2020
  11. tout ça pour ça

    tout ça pour ça Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I think that that is wise. When we reduce things to good/ bad, we lose sight of the complexity of how people may feel or react or even as @kropo82 suggests, just because you unburden, it may mean someone else now has that burden and how do they deal with it? and more, why should they have to shoulder the burden of something you may have created?

    Sometimes people do things that cause harm, and confessing doesn't alleviate this. The real working through of an issue can be your own coming to terms with your own behaviour and then having to live with it yourself. Without effecting anyone else.
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  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    I agree with you. When I talk about being honest, I mean disclosing your behavior in a way that gives your so choice and control. So that she is not in complete darkness. You do not confess every misdeed you have ever done, unless and only if your so has been in counseling and can’t move forward in trust because she feels like she “ must know” all the truth. Many so’s do not want to know everything! However, they should know that you have an addiction. They should also be given the right to know what kind of relationship they are in. It also should never be trickle disclosures as this further traumatizes your spouse. This is why counseling with a csat is so very helpful.
    Imalmosthappy and kropo82 like this.
  13. easygoing134

    easygoing134 Fapstronaut

    I feel like an SO is either the type to stick out a rough patch or pack up and leave. If my commitment to the SO was serious, I would want to know what kind of person I'm with.

    If the SO is serious about the relationship, what's 90 days to a year investment in a relationship that could last a lifetime. (Small potatoes.)
    Lilla_My likes this.
  14. Sootie

    Sootie Fapstronaut

    Id like my partner to be honest about what he has done. Coming clean is important so your SO knows what has been going on. The trut is esential, if you has relapsed 1 o 3 o 10 times matters.
    But you shall not tell her about what is in the movies, dont put pictures in her head.
    Deleted Account and kropo82 like this.
  15. It is all about intention, guys.

    What is your underlying intent? No use lying to yourself about it....
  16. billyballer

    billyballer Fapstronaut

    I’ve explored this so much with myself and therapy. I’ve had the experience of disclosing an affair and I’ve asked many times if that was the right move.
    unburdening May be necessary but is also selfish act in many ways. I feel like if there is no other way to heal than the complete honesty may have to come out. But say for example you know you want out of the relationship then just leaving might be the best way.

    what I have learned is that discovering a life changing truth about someone is a huge trauma of the PTSD caliber and your partners life will never be the same either. Not saying don’t be honest but definitely consider this and lineup all the necessary support for both of you. Like couples counseling.

    for me with the affair I simply couldn’t hold the secret any more but I also couldn’t stop.
    With PM I feel much more capable of stopping on my own. Then again if that’s not possible I will likely tell my SO.

    I agree it’s not so simple as a black or white decision.

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