Its Not Over Until I Win! (Journal)

Hey everyone.
Around 5 years ago I started my nofap journey, and within a couple of years I got rid of watching porn, but the masturbation is still a problem, although it’s not as bad as it was when I started my Nofap journey. But I’ve decided that I want to get rid of it once and for all now. I once heard the motivational speaker Les Brown say in a speech, that you shouldnt ever give up on your goals, and you should learn to say "Its not over until I win!". This is what I feel about this streak. I started this journey a few years ago, and have come a long way, but I still havent reached my goals fully, but Its not over until I win!

As a part of the process, I’ll write this journal, where I will not only update on my no pmo hard mode streak, but also write about my experiences in mainly the following fields:
1. Work, studies, and productivity.
2. Prayer/meditation, spirituality and mental health
3. Benefits of my no pmo hard mode streak.
4. Diet, exercise, physical health and intermittent fasting.
5. Daily schedule, daily rituals, sleep and waking up early.

Today I’m on my 22. Day in my current hard mode streak.

I would be grateful, for comments, experiences and advice from other fapstronauts, since the purpose of this journal, is not only to track my own progress, but also to learn from other fapstronauts along the way.

 

Today I want to tell a little about myself and my nofap journey so far.

A little about myself and my background
Im a 35 year old man who got into the habit of PMO since my early teens. We were probably the first generation who got mass exposure to high speed internet Porn. Similarly I discovered Masturbation at around the same age. I’m a Muslim, and because I was raised in a religious home, which was not strict though, my conscience always blamed me for the PMO. So there was always a fight going on inside me between my desire to PMO and my desire to get out of it. Because of the religious upbringing and attraction towards spirituality, from that same early age, I also started praying, studying religion, morals and spirituality, and trying to achieve nearness to God. These things helped me immensely in life. And because of these things I always had a great sense of contentment and peace of mind in life. I never had any great addictions or demons to fight……. Other than the addiction of PMO. And this addiction really started bothering me more and more the older I got. In my late twenties I had the feeling, that I need to get rid of this addiction, since I started to realise that it was preventing me from really becoming the person I always wanted to be and to achieve the things I always wanted to achieve. My longest streaks without PM before NoFap were around 5-7 weeks a couple of times.

Discovering NoFap
During these days I discovered NoFap by searching for solutions on the internet. At that time I was probably in the toughest trial in my life so far, which was making my mind have more and more negative thoughts and similarly I was indulging in PMO often, because of this state of mind. My daily routine was bad. I used to waste time on playing iPad games in my bed all night (I live alone by the way) and then sleep in the morning and get up in the afternoon. I was not giving enough time and energy to studies and other important projects. I was basically feeling miserable. The only positive thing I had started a couple of months before that was to eat healthy and play basketball regularly, and that had already taken away the worst of the depressive state I was in (it wasn’t diagnosed depression, as in the disease depression, but I was just feeling very bad and miserable), but I still needed a lot more help, and NoFap gave me that help.

I connected to a couple of APs, Fap5Freddy and Krtvdw.

Similarly, I started a No PMO hard mode reboot. It lasted around a month, but it pretty much turned the tide big time for me. After that I have had several streaks of several weeks, and I stayed committed to NoFap and it payed off in many ways. I can say, that Ive been totally porn free for the past 2-3 years, but I still have a habit of masturbation (though that is also lesser than when I started nofap), which I’m trying to get rid of once and for all in this streak.
My current goal is to go to at least 3 months no pmo hard mode.

In my earlier streaks, I have experienced many benefits, which I’m aiming to achieve on an even greater level this time.
Its important to note, that my improvements were not just because of not indulging in PMO, but because I also put a lot of emphasis on improving in other areas of my life. I achieved the following results as a result of my previous streaks:

1. My sleeping routine and sleep quality improved.
   
2. My day routine improved a lot. I would now get up in the morning and start studies and projects around 9 in the morning. This has improved even more after that. Now I get up early, pray, meditate, read a book, listen to motivational speeches, and start my studies, work or other projects at around 8-9am. This improved my productiveness immensely and it keeps me occupied with positive activity throughout most of the day, which is essential for recovery and improvement.
   
3. I kept on exercising and eating healthy. Right now I’ve been off track for 2-3 weeks, but I’m planning to get back on track again in the weekend. I run and do resistance training.
   
4. My mind went from depressive, negative and pessimistic about life to positive and optimistic about life. This has kept improving since then, and I can honestly say that Im mentally a different person compared to what I had become when I first started NoFap.
   
5. I started feeling a removal of a mind fog and things around me started to feel more pleasant, beautiful and vibrant. Im not talking about magic, but just slightly, but still enough to be able to notice a difference. This change lasts only as long as you don’t relapse. I started to feel it again during my current streak after I passed 3 weeks, but probably not as vividly as during the first streak. I used to get up in the morning miserable about life, but now I was getting up happy, grateful and excited about life.
   
6. Women started to become way more attractive. In other words I got my natural level of sexual energy back, as we are naturally supposed to have it. I also don’t want to just go have sex with someone now that I have this greater sex drive, like some people do. That’s not my purpose. My purpose is self-improvement, and Im far from fully recovered yet. So I need to get a grip of this addiction and be able to control my sexuality, and then in the near future channel that in the direction of a true loving relationship and marriage. Now I pretty much never have fantasies about porn, which I used to once, but its almost entirely good looking and attractive real-life women I see that make the trigger in my mind.
   Some people on this forum say that you get more attractive to women when retaining your sexual energy through No PMO. Im not sure about this, but It might be slightly true for some unexplained reason. I felt women being attracted to me before reboot too, but sometimes its almost like there is a slight increase in this attraction. But maybe this is because you’re feeling more attracted to them, and they also notice this about you, and therefore their attention is diverted towards you. That’s the only explanation I can think of. But then again, I can’t say for sure. But even if it is, this wasn’t the reason I started with NoFap. As I said my purpose is self-development, and romantically and sexually I’m looking for marriage.
   
7. Last but not least I went from indulging in PMO excessively to only sometimes (when I relapsed or binged by M after a relapse).

As you can see these are not “superpowers”, but still huge changes compared to where I was when I started NoFap, and Im very gratefull to God that I found NoFap.

What I have learnt
Ive learnt that the following things have benefitted me a lot, and should be used on the NoFap journey:

• Going to sleep early and getting up early.
  
  
• Having good and healthy morning rituals, such as prayer/meditation, good breakfast, reading, listening to motivational speeches, exercising etc.
  
  
• Fasting once in a while or in periods of several days. It controls urges. It also has loads of other physical as well as spiritual benefits. Search the internet for intermittent fasting.
  
  
• Starting work, studies, a project early and use most of the day on that. If you don’t have a job or if you are not occupied with something, then find something. It is crucial to keep the brain away from PMO thoughts and negative thoughts, and similarly it gives us a sense of achievement, so that we feel good and positive.
  
  
• Eating healthy and exercising regularly.
  
  
• Keeping yourself and your home clean and pleasant looking, since our environment effects our state of mind. If everything around us is in order our mind will more likely be in order. Get up in the morning take a shower, put on nice and clean clothes, use some perfume etc. It really does matter, not only to others but to your own state of mind.
  
  
• Prayer and meditation. It increases mental power, faith and peace of mind among other things.
  
  
• Gaining knowledge and staying connected to a community like NoFap, which can help you and support you on your journey.
  
  
• Keep company of good and positive people who are ambitious, goal oriented, moral, spiritual, and who don’t have any of those habits that you want to get rid of. So if you're trying to get rid of alcohol, DON’T hang out with people who usually drink. If you want to get rid of PMO, DON’T hang out with people who like to watch porn with their friends etc. Similarly, If you want to get in shape hang out with people who are driven to eat healthy and train hard. If you want to be successful in your professional life or studies, hang out more with people who are hard working in their studies and ambitious about their professional field, including the ones that are in your own professional field or the field you want to pursue.
  
  
• Watch motivational speeches and read motivational stuff. Keep pictures calenders etc which remind yourself of your goals and dreams daily. It would also be good to have a physical day counter somewhere, in your room for instance, which reminds you of your progress. Compared to the NoFap digital day counter this will be more beneficial, since it is in front of you most of the time or a big part of the day, and thereby it reminds you of your goal daily. I did this for the first time during this reboot, and it definitely helps.
  
  
• Install a porn blocker on ALL of your electronic devices such as computer, iPad, android, iPhone, tablet etc and install a password which you either intentionally forget or keep it at a place from where you wont bother to retrieve it if you have urges. Its not a substitute for your own will power and effort, but its still very important. Who would consider it wise for an alcoholic, who wants to get rid of his addiction, to keep liquor in his home. Same way with PMO. Get everything that hinders you from your goal OUT OF THE WAY!
  
  
• Writing a journal or diary. I did this on my first streak, and it was one of the things which gave me a strong start.
• Get yourself a good AP. Huge benefit. I had a couple of APs in the very beginning, but then after that I neglected this very important aspect. Now, I recently gotta very good AP, whose help and support is truly helping me a lot.

• Try to stay mostly away from computers and mobile phones, unless its something necessary or healthy. Get out in nature or among people. Walking in nature and contemplating and planning about life is one thing I really enjoy doing.
  
  
• Last but not least, never loose hope and keep going.

It may seem from my post that I have achieved my goals or have come very near them, but that is not at all the case. Im still struggling with urges and im still far from my ultimate goals. The urge to M is still there, but less.
My goal is to get totally rid of M as well as achieving self improvement in the areas, which I mentioned in my first post of this journal.

 

Day 24:
Previous week I struggled with urges, so from yesterday, I decided that in this week I’m going to make it a challenge to not think any sexual thoughts at all. Similarly, I decided to up my discipline and efforts in other areas too. I did this, and So far it’s done wonders both yesterday and today. My discipline and productivity have gone drastically up. Below is a sum up of todays main activities in my fields of choice:
1. Work, studies, and productivity:
Worked/studied at university library 8:30-4:30 (on a saturday).

2. Prayer/meditation, spirituality and mental health:
Total prayer/meditation = 1 1/2 hour (1/2 increase compared to before)

3. Benefits of my no PMO hard mode streak:
Blocking out all sexual thoughts clearly made me more focused, disciplined and productive. I do feel, however, that my body and mind is trying to rebel a little against the new changes.

4. Diet, exercise, physical health and intermittent fasting:
Did a light 20 minutes resistance workout after a break of 3 weeks in exercise.

5. Daily schedule, daily rituals, sleep and waking up early:
Slept around 22:00 the previous day, got up this morning at 4:55, offered my prayer and meditation, read a book for 20 minutes, listened to some motivational stuff, and left home to get to the library at around 8:00.
In the evening, I listened to an informative tv program for 1 1/2 hours, while cooking and eating, and now I’m sitting and writing my journal at 20:30, and will go asleep early, to get up early.

All in all the day was perfectly productive and disciplined, and I’m content with that.

 

Sum up of today:
1. Work, studies, and productivity:
Went to the library early at 8:30, but my mind was just not concentrating today, so I ended up doing not so much work. I also felt that my mind is rebelling to my new disciplined, no bull shit and no PMO (even in my mind) lifestyle, by becoming a bit restless and refusing to be productive.

2. Prayer/meditation, spirituality and mental health:
Total prayer/meditation = 1 hour

3. Benefits of my no PMO hard mode streak:
Blocking out all sexual thoughts clearly made me more focused, disciplined and productive, yesterday, but today I felt, that my body and mind is trying to rebel more against the new changes.

4. Diet, exercise, physical health and intermittent fasting:
Did a light 20 minutes resistance workout like yesterday.

5. Daily schedule, daily rituals, sleep and waking up early:
Slept around 22:00 the previous day, got up this morning at 5:20, offered my prayer and meditation, read a book for 20 minutes, listened to some motivational stuff, and left home to get to the library at around 8:30. In the evening, I listened to some motivational speeches, as I felt that I needed it, since my mind was getting a bit frustrated.

 

Day 27:
I noticed something interesting. Since yesterday evening I had some urges for the first time after several days. Subsequently, my routine today was not as disciplined as the previous days, during which I had kept my urges in check. I realised how deep a connection there is between controlling urges and discipline.

 

Below is a overview of my previous week.

1. Work, studies, and productivity:
Great improvement. Ive generally been productive from morning till evening all days. But I can still improve in the sense of being on point with starting studies/work at 8:00 sharp, not 8:15, 8:30 or 9:00, as has been the case on most days.

2. Prayer/meditation, spirituality and mental health:
Still mostly 1 or almost 1 hour of prayer/meditation, but on a couple of days i went to 1 1/2 and 2 hours. Mentally, I feel generally good, and I feel a slight increase in confidence.

3. Benefits of my no pmo hard mode streak:
I have learnt something important in this week, that a true hard mode no pmo streak with body and mind really creates great changes in your life, in the sense that it creates discipline (there might also be other things). For the first 3 days I was in full control of my thoughts. on Monday evening and onwards I had some urges once in a while, but nothing like previous week (Actually some days I felt I had a flatline). I noticed that the days where I was totally in control, my discipline in things like getting up on time and doing all of my daily rituals was exceptionally high. As from Tuesday morning and onwards it was less, for instance I didnt get up as early etc. The greater control over my thoughts was, the greater the sense of purpose and discipline was, which I manifested. I cant explain it much more than that, but it was very clear, at least to myself, that there was a clear correlation.

4. Diet, exercise, physical health and intermittent fasting:
I exercised lightly Saturday and Sunday. In the coming week, I have to build upon this and exercise more. I have also been intermittent fasting 15-18 hours daily (I dont eat anything after dinner at 20:00, and skip breakfast, so my first meal is anywhere between 11-14). It works well for me in many ways. Lost around 1 kg (I need to lose around 4 kgs of extra weight which I put on a few weeks earlier because of slacking in exercise and diet).

5. Daily schedule, daily rituals, sleep and waking up early:
In the first few days, I got up very early, but from Tuesday and onwards its been more like 5 or after, but never beyond 5:30.

Sum up: I feel mildly content, since I have gradually improved, but, Im not REALLY content. I feel that I can do much better, and improve the quality of my streak much more. Im seeking to make a clear improvement in the coming week.

 

Day 36
Sum up of this previous week:

1. Work, studies, and productivity:
I have kept up my improvement in productivity. Almost throughout the week, I have startet work/studies at the uni library at around 8:15 daily, which is slightly better than the week before that.

2. Prayer/meditation, spirituality and mental health:
Im at around 1 to 1 1/2 hours of prayer/meditation, and Im doing it with slightly greater focus, although there is still need for improvement. Mentally, I feel even greater than previous week. I generally feel good, and the confidence and self-contentment is also higher.

3. Benefits of my no pmo hard mode streak:
I have been totally clean this whole week, since Friday. I have been in total control of my thoughts, and havent even had a single sexual thought. I have also projected this self-control onto my other thoughts too, which means, that I have been controlling thoughts about anger, frustration, sadness, ill-thinking of others etc (I.e. I have generally kept such thoughts out of my mind and been at great peace as a result). In other words the self-control on my sexual thoughts have given me such control over my own thoughts, that I am more in charge of what comes into my mind. So this week I have been giving my mind the statement, that IM IN CHARGE!
This self-control has, of course, also resulted in greater discipline throughout the week.
Something interesting happened this night, which I have never experienced before in my life: I had my first wet dream of this streak, but without the dream. When I have wet dreams, they are always accompanied by some sexual dream, but this time, I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that it was wet down under, but I hadnt had any sexual thought or even the slightest dream about it.

4. Diet, exercise, physical health and intermittent fasting:
I exercised lightly Saturday, but after that, I have not exercised. Its a little bit because of being pretty busy with work and studies, but, I must find a way to exercise more regularly. Thats one minus this week, i.e. the lack of exercise
As for diet, I have kept on fasting around 14-17 hours daily, and still been eating generally healthy without being too strict.
In the past couple of weeks, I have lost almost 2 kgs, mostly as a result of fasting.

5. Daily schedule, daily rituals, sleep and waking up early:
Been waking up a bit earlier than before around 4:30-4:40.
I forgot to mention ealier, that I have been having cold showers (1-2 minutes) every morning in the past couple of months, and it works well for me.


Sum up:
Im improving, and I generally feeling good.
Areas to improve the next week are: Exercising more, more focus in prayer/meditation, and waking up even earlier at 4:00 sharp.