I've done a incredible feat, a improvement at quality of life but was it worth it?

I was all alone. I preferred to be alone. The first sentence was in the past but yeah I still wanna be alone. I hate people sympathy, empathy, pity and their kindness, but why every single time, why everytime they show kindness I like it but there's still a part of me that don't. A duality of some sort that just wont disappear no matter what I do, in fact it just get worse if I think about it for just a bit. The thing is I miss that old me, that old naive little brat who's always curious for everything, his little joy, fear, anxiety, rage, still lingers through my memory, a sense of nostalgia that brings back where I started going rogue, where I found that I was no one, that no one really care, just some side character that can be easily be trashed, my family cares for me, well some are, other most part just dont want responsibility to take care of us, so for that matter I gone alone, rogue of some sort beggar in a street, well not in literal sense but yeah I might not look like a vagrant who got no home but sure people see it like that, I got pitied, that's what I hate, that's what I like, I guess it's the negative attention, whatever.

 

I started distancing myself as a bystander, a literal no one, not even a spec at the eye of people, I hope no one will care but again I was wrong. Was questioned every single time yet after all their mumbling I ignore it and find it quiet satisfying. Dang the bully even started pitying me, taking care of me, I took it as a mockery.. What is great about this is that I get to think, I have some air to breathe in to, there's no hustle and bustle, I have a personal space, but some don't respect it, so I distant myself a little bit more just a bit more like I was at the corner of the room, the window view also sucks..but hey I can't be seen anymore a little more.

That's it for crappy backstory, that is 4 years ago and was quiet a good time I might say. The feeling of tranquility seems to fond into me well, maybe most of the time. I was always anxious about something like always, aftereffect of being a teenager? Napping is a goodway to unwind though. Ok let's get into the topic; after that pandemic struck and everything just punch me at one in every direction possible, I started having this rough feeling just beneath of my chest (all the time) doctor can't seem to identify what is it, they say it might be the urine or heart problem but anyway yeah... 2 years later;

I started to get a couple of reliable friends, a sense of comfort that is far from this crappy house of my uncle's, lightened up my day, school become my comfort zone, and etc etc.

The thing is this house still sucks, my sibling fights the youngest all the time, I cant seem to control him, not even advice him, hes entitled and hypocritic af, just like my uncle that always contradicts what he said, he thrives for 'positivity' but his methods is destructive as hell, he'll promote a good behavior but showing a toxic one and a lot of mumbling, I dont even know if he's a guy or a girl at heart, he might be gay too, I don't know he talks like a girl.

so back to the topic, I think I have a undiagnosed ADHD :/

i improve my social life greater than what I could hope for, it was great experience, why at the end of the day, I feel much empty, like something was always missing, not when I was alone, maybe the feeling of loneliness is so comforting that I gotten fond again at it that I miss it so much, I don't know... I don't as many people are, they're always searching for something to fill that emptiness up, I don't know.

 

I'm thinking maybe tryna unwind things again, look stuff at a different angles, maybe try going rogue again, for a third point perspective. Yeah I don't know I just wanna vent because there's too much crap at this house that I cant take it anymore, I wanna go out, but yeah I sprained my ankle because my uncle was tryna make me clean the whole ceiling and walls that is so high with a crappy ladder (lockable/foldable) that cant seem to be locked properly and so fold but blame the fault on me because I was being "stupid" for not locking it properly when in reality that crap is broken, and tells me "no pain no gain"??! "there's no success if you dont fail" ?!! What kind of gain and success you want me to have a fucking broken ribs, a shattered skull? You maniac!!

 

sorry for this post ahhhhhh, im really sorry but just wanna let it out before I go through a crazy episodes.