Just Realized I am an Addict

Hey, just signed up here, I've known about NoFap for quite a few years, but I always thought it was just a annual challenge that Redditors did. Anyway, I never really believed porn addiction existed, I thought my porn intake and masturbation levels were just a bit higher than everyone else's. That was until a few days ago and I noticed that my porn tastes had vastly VASTLY changed since when I was younger.

I probably started looking and porn and masturbating regularly around 13 years old. I've always been into both real life and cartoon porn. Originally I was into pretty vanilla stuff with MILFS and occasionally even furry stuff thrown in there. Fairly quickly after that my tastes became much more depraved, going into mother/son incest and hentai. It stayed like this for most of my middle and high school career. I'd get off to both vanilla and the more "out-there" stuff, but after I started college I found transgender porn and that added to the mix, but none of my previous tastes ever disappeared, and above all I ALMOST always pictured myself as the dominant partner, with the important exception of the mom/son videos.

Fast forward to a few months ago. I'm in my 3rd year of college and I've just accidentally stumbled upon something called sissy hypno. I'd never heard of it before but since I was into the idea of domming traps (cute guys that can easily pass as girls) I thought it'd be fun. I don't really remember what I thought of it after the first time, but I must have enjoyed it cause I watched it several times over the next few weeks. Probably about once a day. Now this is where I get confused, because while my eyes and brain were always focused on the girls and how attractive they were, my dick wasn't responding too well to normal porn the way it used to. I kinda started to figure out something wasn't right.

I tried limiting the amount of these vids I watched. In fact I tried going completely cold turkey, and for a while it was working! Jump forward to a few days ago and I found myself craving these videos again. So I gave in and after felt the same amount of shame mixed with the odd sense of masculinity (but not in a good way, more of a like "wow fuck that shit i'm a guy i'm the dom haha right guys... right?") that came after I finished while watching sissy vids. So I decided to give google a try and see if anyone else was going through this as well. Lo-and-behold I found this site and the subreddit, plus a few others. I was amazed that a bunch of men had been going through the exact same thing as me, albeit in some cases even more progressed (some had started going into cross-dressing, which I have not). I decided I would do the NoFap challenge for 90 days to reset myself. Easy, right? Nah. I relapsed the next day, and then the next day, today, I fell even further. I had my morning wood as usual and the very horny thoughts that come with it and gave in. I tried to fap to more vanilla hentai, but it was hard to stay erect, and even TG hentai wasn't doing it. The only thing that was getting me off was either sissy captioned hentai or sissy hypno. Everytime I'd envision myself as the dominant partner my erection would start to wane. However, my mind and heart were still saying "be dominant that's what you like" but my dick had a mind of it's own, like literally. I ended up fapping 5 times, 4 of which within one hour. Each time I tried to get of to ANYTHING other than sissy porn and failed.

So here I am. I have a problem, a SERIOUS problem that is essentially either changing or damaging my sexuality and sexual health. In my mind I do not like sissy porn at all, in fact I find it disgusting, which might be part of the problem. I'm almost certain that this sissy fetish is related to my anxieties, insecurities, and on-and-off again depression, as well as being the next step in my addiction, which is probably fueled by the aforementioned problems. I'm also pretty sure these same problems are the reason for my desire into the incest porn, being submissive to a motherly figure (I didn't get a lot of love from my mother during my childhood due to her being incapacitated by chronic pain).

So I'm trying to end my addiction by simultaneously participating in NoFap while also learning to eat better and exercise more to make myself more confident. I'm optimistic at this point and I'm hoping I can get back to the point where I'm feeling like a good dominant once again. My biggest worries are that it's too late and that I won't be able to fap to normal porn or have normal sex again. I'm posting this here cause I'm asking you for any and all support you can give. I'm gonna sign up for a partner tonight or tomorrow. I need to be held accountable, because as of now I'm not strong enough to do this on my own. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all and helping each other overcome our addictions and other porn/masturbation related afflictions

P.S. Forgot to say how my actual sex life has been damaged as well. The last few times I've had sex with my fuck buddy I haven't been able to finish. Especially, since the sissy porn, but I've been able to finish with transsexuals (I've always been the top in TG sex just fyi).