Just want some thoughts on this, thats all

So, I've abstained from M for 70+ days. I think its closer to 80, though. I think the most I've gotten from that is learning that all urges are temporary, and that it is simply not worth it to M again. For my family, my friends, and the goals I want to achieve in this life, going back to M is not an option.

But P? I'm not entirely sure. I am an artist/pianist/writer. And I used pinterest for references. Unfortunately, not matter how hard I tried to tune the feed, risque/triggering images would always find their way onto my feed. I always clicked away or "kept it pushing" while keeping my urges under control, but I always felt I was just a moments away from relapsing. I'm not sure weather to reset the 70+ days of P avoidance because of this, but I have stopped using pinterest in order to find references on a site that is less triggering.

So far I'm in a moment where I'm kinda scared. I've done a lot of things to aid in my recovery. I've talked to a therapist about it, I've talked to my mom and my older brother about it. Through therapy I learned that I never properly grieved over the loss of one of my older brothers and my father. I learned that I am enough, and that I have people who love me dearly, and would miss me if I were ever to go away someday. I've toned down my anxiety by setting proper goals for my future, and getting a calendar. I've cried. Man have I cried, and learned that Its ok to cry and be present for my emotions. I also feel that meditation has helped me plenty. I'll be honest, I haven't been doing it daily, but It's become my response to overwhelming emotions, and I even did it the last time I relapsed. (Which was February. Dang that feels like forever ago.)
I feel like this addiction is the last thing that I need to kick to the side in order to achieve the life that I want. Rewiring my brain is a confusing journey. I'm not completely sure if its working or not, but I want triggers to have a less visceral affect on me, and for me to go back to enjoying the things without the constant worry of a trigger sending me off course. I usually breathe through them, and try to "come back to center" every time they happen. But sometimes some are just too much to handle, and I just end up walking away from everything and just laying down for a while to ride it out instead of going to M.

But on the positive side of things, my skills seem to be improving as I continue on this journey! People have been noticing my art getting better, especially with this piece that I finished recently. My piano teacher noticed that I'm getting better at that too. And with the conclusion of my creative writing class, a friend of mine noticed that my writing is actually better than I think it is!

Idk, this is just something that's been on my mind during my journey. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. And to ya'll, your hope is much stronger than you believe it is. In my opinion, its a feeling that can only be made smaller by your thoughts. And by the same logic, it can be as big as you want it to be.

 

I think it hit its worse point when I was in high school. I started when I was in middle school, and realized it was a problem near the end of high school. That is when I told my mother, my older brother, and later on my therapists and some random people at a church I attend.