Lengthy Introduction

Dear Fapstros,
This is a long post, here is a TL;DR summary -

Here to give up MO. Not looking to give up P. I’m physically tired, my back hurts. I’ve been through a lot and P has helped numb my pain since before my adolescence. MO is hurting me physically and I am going to give it up for good. I’m not here to get better at dating or hookups, I have no desire for either. I am here for self improvement. I am here to restore my motivation for life. I’m trying my best to advance my personal life and follow the individual dreams I’ve set in front of me.


Whole (for the most part) Story:

I’m sick to my stomach as I write this, literally. It’s hard to admit but PMO has been the bane of my existence for many years. Since before puberty had a chance to set in. I was introduced to sex well before I had any idea of what it was through porn and being physically taken advantage of at an early age.

Coupled with the fact that I was raised by a single parent that didn’t (still hasn’t) figured it all out I’ve grown up being stressed out and mentally fatigued. I’ve been sad for as long as I can remember and that ended up turning into numbness and apathy.

I have been blessed in a material sense, I have the tools I need to succeed. I also have the intellect, but I do not currently have the patience for anything so I keep running around in circles. This can be attributed to porn novelty and growing up poor but not having any knowledge of it. When I became an adult I was suddenly thrown into a world of bills and responsibilities. This added to my stress and depression.

I have failed my way through many dreams. Not because I can’t accomplish them, but the vicious cycle that goes on in my mind talks me out of them. Blessing and a curse. I’ve come to the point in my life where I have identified my INDIVIDUAL dreams. No peer pressure or friends to cloud my decision making. I no longer have any friends. I’ve left them behind, and they’ve left me behind. I moved away and the communication ended up breaking completely. I’m used to that because growing up I moved around a lot but this is a group of friends that I became a part of 10 years ago. Deep down it hurts because he had a lot of big dreams to change the world and get rich together and none of that even REMOTELY planned out. I wish them good luck and favor but I’m done with the friendship as all I get from it not is negativity.

Now I’m big into streaming and YouTube! I’ve always been into it but never took the plunge for various reasons. I just started and I’m trying to build a consistent schedule and a unique draw to my content. I’m also into freelance writing and bookkeeping and I want to take the time to really delve into these two professions and figure out to make successful freelance businesses out of both.

MY REASON FOR NOFAP:

I’m tired. Literally tired. I’m not doing nofap to get better at dating or to attract girls in general, I’ve never had a problem with that. I want to do nofap because my brain/energy is all fucked up. I spend 10% of my time doing what I’m supposed to and the other 90% gooning out over porn, procrastinating, or having meaningless conversations on Discord. I’m usually tired throughout the day. My back hurts, I have small SPURTS of inspiration that leave me as soon as I try to COMMIT to an activity. I take OTC meds to numb the annoying effects of over-PMO yet and still I do the same thing over and over.

I do not have a fear of death, if anything I have a fear of the negative things that life throws at us. Loss, death, discomfort. I lost my grandmother in May of last year after living with her for the last year and it hurt me really badly. I feel lost. I feel like I’ve been taken from. I’m in constant emotional pain and I’ve been using PMO to
numb all of my other impulses.

I live with my mom and uncle. They look at me as a shining example of determination and I guess I’m a driving force in their lives. In reality, I am currently living off of their efforts. I inherited a large investment account last year that had 20k in it. I’ve spent basically all of it on impulse purchases and living expenses. I was to be expected to grow it but at that time it had no chance, I have no job.

I’m in school for business administration and I will move on to a bachelors degree in accounting once I’m done with my associate.

If you’ve read this far down you’re incredibly patient as I have just been rambling about my life and even I’m tired of typing it at this point.

To be completely honest I am not interested in giving up P. I DO want to cut out masturbation and orgasm as my physical body is suffering and my motivations are screwed up. I am not interested in actual sex because I am not emotionally equipped to deal with relationships or casual sex. I’ve tried and I was driven away by those experiences. I pretty much don't want a relationship at all. My mom's been married twice yet I still grew up in a single parent home. The ONLY successful relationship I grew up around was my grandparents and the conclusion was the saddest thing i've ever felt in my life. Thinking of potential children and grandchildren that would have to suffer from my passing completely pushes me away from wanting kids. I'm an only child btw

If you've read down THIS far I appreciate you dearly. I've never felt safe typing all of this in one place and i'm sure there's more but i'm at the point where I can't think of anyone else.

I want to change, I really do. I don't want a relationship, nor do I want casual sex. I'm here for self improvement, nothing overnight. Slow and consistent self improvement.

 

Hey @StopTheMusic thanks for the warm welcome! I've been struggling for years and my mind is all messed up right now but I DO know that change is necessary. It'll be a slow process ridding myself physically and mentally of the stimulus that drive me to PMO. Another challenge of mine will be overriding my impulses with willpower and replacing my bad habits with the good ones.

The "fellowship?" Are you speaking of something literal or arbitrary? Can you be a little bit more elaborate about that part?