Like Trying to Keep a Balloon Under Water

Based on my streak, clearly I haven't been able to fully break free from PMO. However, my problems with urges are much different than they used to be. I used to have the "balloon underwater" feeling as well, but now my relapses are mostly from random NSFW thoughts where I go from totally fine to really horny in 10 seconds and forget about why I'm doing NoFap. I think I can give some advice on the "balloon underwater" deal.

In your current situation, I would stop promising stuff like this to yourself. If it's really been years that you've done this, then you already know that the promise is meaningless. Wait until you're stronger against the urges and understand your addiction better to tell yourself that kind of stuff, because for now, you WILL be disappointed every time.

From what I've heard on this subreddit, as well as my personal experience, there are a few different general methods to fight urges. One is letting the urges exist and finding ways to disconnect the link between urges and fapping. I think that this method is good and important, especially when you get really strong urges suddenly, because it gives you time to really think about what you're doing.

However, because strategies like meditating aren't designed to actually get rid of the urges, using only these methods can cause urges to build over time. I used to have this a lot. When I used only these methods, I could stave off the urge to fap, but eventually it would get to me once I was a little tired and didn't care as much.

The second method is actually killing the urges. One funny example of this that's always stuck with me is listening to intense music and internally yelling "fuck fapping" over and over. This method is different because the goal is to make the urge actually go away.

As an analogy, imagine there's a pool of water that keeps getting higher and higher every day. One method to stop it from overflowing is to build the walls of the pool higher. The second method is to drain the water from the pool.

 

I was trapped in that cycle for many years. Breaking it is simple but very difficult.

Radical lifestyle change. I was trapped because I was in IT, sat at a computer all day every day, and knew how to cover my tracks very well. I would watch P all day at work. For years. When I realized this might be a problem and tried to quit, I found that I could not. I panicked. I realized I would not be able to quit if I remained in IT, sitting at a computer all day every day. So I quit and became a plumber and got away from all electronics for almost two full years. It hasn't been linear progress since then, but that was the "shock to the system" I needed to break free.

Also, radical accountability. I have many APs who I check in with daily. I have accountability software installed on all my devices and will not own a device that does not have it installed. My latest streak of nine months of no P and M (O only with my wife) is in large part due to this daily practice.

Finally, radical decision. I recently got to the point where I realized that if I continued to sneak in some "light P" in the form of P-subs and keeping my mind fixed on unhelpful thoughts, I would eventually and inevitably fall back into PMO. I do not want this -- really and truly. After fighting this for six years, I am 100% done with it and ready to lay down all resistance against it. I am about to celebrate 50 days of no P-subs of any kind, and the effect this has had on my mind is truly staggering. I feel clean and free and at peace in a way I have not for the past six years of my fight. I have finally released the last hold that P had in my mind.

I must stay vigilant every day. I do not trust myself not to fall back into old habits. But if I remain faithful and consistent, I know that P holds no power over me any longer.

For day to day and moment to moment fighting against the urges, I highly recommend the FREEdom process. It has served me well for years now. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zqVL11JjWICOHCRUDmqXr9TNC_gpb6yhRF1hKp-fxcc/edit

Keep showing up. Keep doing the work. Make the changes that are needed in your situation. Do the hard thing. Success in reocvery is 100% guaranteed if you are 100% committed to the process. I wish you the best!