Long dinstance relationship. My reboot log

Long relationships doesn't work. You don't even know if she is going to come back in a year. I wouldn't accept that change of terms of the relationship. If she is willing to go to work to another country, getting away from you, i would just let her go and open myself to know another woman whom I can have a healtier relationship. Of course I would be open to start things over again when she comes back to my country if I'm still available but I definitevely wouldn't agree to a long term relationship.

Totally agree with you. Of course is easier in a couple because you are having sex and draining your balls.. but been alone is going to be another ball game. The best plan is always get yourself busy with goals and ambitions, that way you focus all your attention and motivation in that and you have really little time to figth agaisnt cravings.

 

You have an opportunity to do a hard reboot. No influence of chaser effects. Space to ride any flatlining out without feeling overly worried about it. Long distance may be hard, but it could also give you the opportunity to focus on increasing communication and emotional intimacy. There are some positives here that could help you really focus on getting into recovery.

 

Long distance partnerships CAN work, especially if you know you will get to see each other after a known period of time. In college, I did some of my own research by interviewing several individuals in or having been in long-term long distance relationships and the reality is that it definitely has unique advantages despite the challenges. There are particular types of people that enjoy these advantages to the fullest, and some that feel the challanges are far heavier than any positives of such a relationship. So, the opinion is just an opinion whether or not this circumstance is going to help or hurt or end your relationship. Don't mind the opinions of others on that topic. you can use this as a great opportunity to take a self-actualizing process to the far reaches of your psyche that has the most thorough results. She won't be too close to make the process of changing uncomfortable, or to trigger anxieties about her anticipated perspectives.

Also...as @used19 pointed out, distance does create a space for renewed appreciation and an opportunity for building romance, intellectually stimulating or emotional connection which is an antidote to addiction. Writing letters or notes and saying something reminded you of somebody tends to fade when living together but it creates a sense of quality and value to a relationship that is important for both partners to feel loved and wanted, to be important enough to each other to write or send thoughtful gifts etc.

 

If you doesn't enjoy it then you probably know that I'm rigth.

I'm been really considerate to help you to see reality the way it is.. you are about to start a very painfull experience.. now that you know you can go and do what you like. Is your life after all.

Besides that.. grow a thicker skin if you are going to open yourself to internet. I'm just fair with my worlds, I'dont attack of disrespect people, but there are people out here that can be very harsh to you.

 

Why are you so attached to a woman that you are only going to see a couple of times a year?
Don't you think is better to find one that lives closer to you witch whom you can have a better relationship with?
Are you affraid you are not going to find someone better if you let this one go?
Why do you need her to travel around the world?

Use what you are learning to think about it.. long distance relationship never worked.. but you are still trying to make this one work.. why?

 

Wow, I'll bat you away so the poster doesn't have to deal with it. The rest of us all know you are allergic to the idea of a fully committed, permanent relationship, but to the rest of the world there still remains the idea and the goal of finding the one. He already said she is a missionary and that he is still in school needing to finish his degree. Clearly their relationship is important enough to them to continue it at a distance until his degree is finished. Besides, didn't you just say in another thread that it would be crazy to not date someone for at least 3-4 years before marrying her? Some relationships are worth putting up with some temporary distance. Not everyone wants to bounce around at a moments notice.

He's looking for support on how to get his recovery on track under this new set of circumstances. He's not looking for whether he should continue to date her or not.

 

I am in the same situation bro. My girlfriend and I have been doing long distance for half of our relationship now. It's difficult to abstain from porn during the times away, it almost brings a temporary comfort for missing your partner. Indeed it is a good opportunity for a full reboot, which can be super helpful. However, my girlfriend and I also use camming and other "sexual" methods to feel intimate, and at least for us it is not something we are willing to go without. Even though you are away, alot of connection can be found in those moments, and after releasing that tension, we always have the most fun and interesting conversations, and the genuine feeling of love.

Not saying you should try this as well. But also offering my experience on this situation.

Good luck both with NoFap and the long distance. Long distance is difficult but can lead to amazing connection alongside independence. Definitely worth it

 

It definitely is haha. But, if you don't take it too seriously, it is also fun and the awkardness dissapears.

 

Nope, I'm currently in a fully committed relationship.

Their goals are not aligned at this moment, so the best they can do is move on with their life and enjoy a relationship with a person they can have regular interaction in person. If their life bring them together in the future then great, they can give the relationship another go.

Totally, and this has nothing to do with this post.

Yeah.. a few months and with the certeinty that they will be together again. This woman is going away for at least a year and is totally uncertain where is she going to travel next... you can't have a serious steady relationship with a person that is never going to be by your side. Why to settle for a crappy long distance relationship when you can go and find a woman as awsome as her but that lives in the same city?

I help people in general.. and a long distance relationship is going to make his porn addiction even worse.

 

I'm referencing the fact that in other threads that involved marriages you made it fully clear that you prefer a long term relationship over a marriage so that you are not bound to anything. So that you can move on at a moments notice, as soon as it doesn't work for you. There is clearly a threshold for your level of commitment that makes this type of situation unpalatable to you. But it is not for argus.

It seems pretty clear from the original post that their goal is to attempt to maintain their relationship until his studies are done. They clearly are not disposable to each other. You are treating both of them like instantly replaceable objects. Again, there is this idea to some of us of finding the one instead of just a warm body to hold a space.

Again, you don't know what their future plans are. Maybe they plan to hold while he finishes his degree and then he'll join her. Maybe her mission is done after the next assignment. You have no idea. This woman is his partner and is clearly special enough to him that he is willing to endure a temporary hardship of distance to preserve something special.

Again, he did not come here for relationship advice. He came for insight on how to prevent the stress from the distance impacting his attempts to get into lasting recovery.

 

Why would I be with a person that pissed me off? Life is too short to be with people that treat you poorly. I prefer to be move on and find a better suited person that is going to treat me better.

Of course.. that's the idea. When a person is treating you poorly you remove them from your life. The quality of your life is in direct relationship of the people in it.

I'm totally ok with working in a relationship a little bit.. but when things are not aligned, are bad for several years or simply you can't be together, is better to save that special spot in your life to someone that can really fill it.

Good relationships flow naturally, if you have to work and make a lot to keep it together... then is not a relationship.. is been stuborn.

Survive??? look at your word. I love relationships that are amazing. That we enjoy and love to be together. Every time I suggest a couple to break is because that is not happening. Woman love drama.. so a marriage full of troble that has to be safe is applealing for you.. but man love calm thing. Love a drama free zone... so let me be happy with people and woman that love to be with me and make my life even better and let crappy relationship that are not working to die in order to let another one begin.

 

of course, because marriage means nothing to me. Is just a contract with the goverment or god.
I support more the fact that 2 people are going to be together because they love to be together than been together no matter what because they are married.

People can't accept the fact that their marriage is over and keep "working" to solve it and stay marriage and been miserable. I prefer to be with a person and make our life better each and every single time, it can take months.. yeard or decades.. but when is not working for her and me we are free to move on with our life and look for another person that is going to fit as better.

Some stats... more than 50% of marriage ends in the first 7 years. How many of them are still together and been miserable, or sexless or are together just for the kids... The happy marriages are so few.. and guess what? they will be happy together if they weren't married, because marriage is just a paper or a pritty ceremony.. what matter is how you treat the other person in the relationship year after year... if you put up with a crappy husband or wife just because you are maried I feel sorry for you, I'm not going to settle for a crappy relationship for the rest of my life, i will look for a person that I can be happy with.

of course, I reserve that special spot in my life to an amazing woman. I don't settle for crappy relationships. I treat my woman great and I spect the same in return. I'm not afraid of been alone, lot of people are so they keep working on a crappy relationship because they fear they are not going to be able to get another partner.

Mine commitment is more that yours if you want to put it like this. I'm with the other person, i commited to them and I don't need a contract to do that.

Long distance relationship is going to impact a lot his progress, is better to avoid that strees and fill it with other type of relationships.
I'm giving him and advice, the fact that you or him don't like it is your problem.. not mine. You asked for advice and giving you one. You don't like it just read it and move on, don't take it so personal.
The fact that you are taking it this bad is because is hitting you in a way you notice that the things I say make sens but is totally agians what society tell you to do since you are born.

Exactly. I wouldn't have a long distance relationship with a person that at least is going to be a year away and after that i wouldn't know when is she going to be after that.
Instead of settleing for a crappy long distance relationship that you don't have any idea when is going to end, i prefer to let her go and look for a woman that I can have and amazing relationship.

 

You actually have no idea why people respond the way they do and how fervent one is on their point of view (you don't even see it in yourself).

You seem to do a whole lot of projecting in these forums. Your assumptions are ill formed and quite frankly, egotistical. All you understand is your own perspective, which isn't a bad thing per se, it is just what it is. Well, everyone is different. You just can't accept that fact, but that is okay.

The truth is you don't know about the vast differences of types of relationships that are abound, nor do you care to know. This calls into question why you are even in a support forum. Your "support" never takes into account what IS actually going on. Your mind isn't free to escape your ideologies. Instead it is a prison. Maybe you are okay with this, maybe it makes you feel better, whatever. But, in Agus's case, you didn't consider particulars, you just start blurting things out like you usually do.

When someone tells you off, leave. Why are you sticking around? This goes against your ideologies. "When something gets rough I don't have time for this." Here, you are trying to be heard, but no one is listening to you (it doesn't matter which party is right or wrong). The problem is that no one is hearing you because they've already decided that what you are sharing is opposed to their views. But, you see so much importance in your ideologies you don't even see that you are contradicting them by trying to stick around after someone rejects your advice.

Think of them as a girlfriend that is making it too difficult for you. By your ideologies you would have left already. No, you want attention, you want someone to know you, to recognize you, you don't care about their perspective. You are probably okay with that, and that's fine. Again, someone doesn't find your advice worthy, just leave. You're wasting your time, you are supposed to be having fun. Let us, crazy people in a relationship try and help each other out.

 

You don't know a single thing about me or my views on society - and I have many that go against it because I find many aspects of the society I am in to be cruel and self serving. I'm not even going to address most of the garbage you just spewed my way, my views on marriage are sacred and not worth putting through your egotistical view. None of that matters here though. You again seem to miss the point that he was not asking whether he should end the relationship or not. He was looking for strategies to aid his recovery while in a long distance relationship. Your suggestions to move on, date around, essentially pushes him to stay in a porn mentality - women are objects, use them for your fix. Keep getting that sex hit no matter what. Swap in those women like trading cards. None of that is going to help him, not to mention the fact that ending a serious relationship is likely to come with emotional pitfalls that will negatively effect a man who is continuing to use porn as a soothing outlet. Clearly continuing to have sex while trying to recover has not been the most successful strategy for argus, likely do to the chaser effect. This change could give him the perfect opportunity to do a hard mode, focus on identifying his reaction sequence, use the extra free time for therapy, and focus on better intimacy and communication without the pressures of sex. It helps shift his focus to meaningful connection, an antidote to addiction.

 

Yeap

you think that way and I didn't suggest any of that.

so what? break up, deal with it and move on. In order to get a better relationship you need to let the current one that is not working go. This process involves breaking up, taking time to heal. Be happy alone and then start over with dating. when you aim high in life you have to do this.. but if you settle for average/crappy relationships or life then is ok to keep your life the way it is and avoid pain or changes.

Then is a perfect moment to be alone, heal, recover from his addiction and when he is ready and happy start dating again.