Losing my Man to Sex Addiction: Countdown

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by HeartbrokenFiancee, Jul 30, 2018.

  1. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    I need somewhere safe to offload. My friends are amazing but my embarrassment stops me from talking about this openly.

    A few years ago, I met a wonderful man who over time became a friend (that I fancied). He'd been married & divorced and spoke about his children so fondly, really proud. I thought that was a good sign of a kind, loving man. When we started dating, he would send thoughtful little texts, buy flowers for no reason, put his jacket around my shoulders from the car to the restaurant, listen to my boring hopes and fears, lol.

    But the first time we made love, he couldn't get an erection. What I thought was strange was that he brought blue, ED pills on the date with him - like he already knew he wasn't going to get an erection. I attributed this to a controlling ex wife & previous bad experiences. How wrong I was.

    After the first failure, I asked him if he was using porn. I'd heard of desensitisation due to porn overload. I told him many women don't mind their partners using porn but, if that's your thing, that's fine. But let me go because it's a despicable industry and I do not want to compete with shit. He vowed he would stop the porn.

    Fast forward a few years to DDay. From that first date onward, he never stopped the porn, he just did it in secret. I lay sexually frustrated night after night but believed him when he said it was insecurity, not PIED. So I never told him how frustrated I was because that would be cruel - especially as he couldn't help it.

    But he could help it. I read about PIED in January and confronted him. Since then, his staggered disclosure has been soul destroying. I naively thought it was just porn (like the 1980s magazines stuff). Since then, he's admitted to using a brothel, sex oils and kinky shit (I found next to his bed - he wasn't using them with me), paying for subscriptions, wanking at work (???!!!) and just recently admitted to using camgirls when he was married. Camgirls are kind of a step up from what I thought was low level porn and, for the first time ever, felt sorry for his wife.

    In short, I do not know who I got engaged to but I don't like him. He's immature, and entitled when it comes to sex. He deliberately sex-starved me for years, knowing that I'd never cheat. But he had everything - he'd M to porn in the bathroom so he didn't have to touch me. I feel half angry that he trapped me for that long and half floored that I no longer have the hero, the gentleman, the one I could really talk to and brag about how well he treats me. I miss that man so much but I have to keep reminding myself that the man I fell in love with would never have lied to me, would have been faithful, cared about my feelings etc. In other words, I'm going to miss a man who never existed. I am mourning for something that never was.

    He did go into "recovery" but it lasted about 8 weeks. During that time, he could, and did, make love to me. For the first time ever, we were having a real sex life, something I'd been missing out on for years. It was awesome. He never lasted long because it was so good and I finally felt like a real woman. Sexy and wanted. Then I became unwell. After a week of this he asked my permission to PMO "just one more time". Alarm bells rang and he's not had an erection with me since. This time, I don't need to ask why - its all very familiar.

    I keep crying because it's one outlet to coping with the grief. I used to love looking in his eyes (he's got the most gorgeous colour eyes) but now I just imagine what those eyes have seen. I used to love him touching me but now I imagine his right hand fingering a prostitute and his left hand holding a credit card. I think about the engagement ring I've given back to him and remember the camgirls he paid for after taking vows to his (ex) wife.

    I've only just realised something else I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss taking care of him. It's kind of a hidden joke between us, he pushes himself too far, gets in pain, and I nag at him to slow down, get his paracetamol, massage his feet etc. I guess it was only this about our relationship that made me feel useful. He never made use of me sexually because I've never been enough for him.

    I'm documenting this countdown to help ease my own distress and low self worth. Each post will be a day closer to my freedom. Freedom to find peace and build up my self confidence. During the month of August, I intend to work, finish packing the stuff I'm taking and doing something new/treat myself. I'm devastated at the moment but, that's okay, it's a part of grief.

    God bless you, SOs. We signed up and committed to something we didn't ask for.
  2. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    I think most if not all SO's feel this and relate. I know I do.

    That shows that he isn't serious about recovery.

    Does he know that he could/is going to lose you?

    I am so sorry to see another SO on this forum because it means another person in a lot of pain. You are not alone, none of this is your fault, and you have the entire NoFap community here to help. Check out my resources thread, it's for new people to NoFap to help them through this journey. I've spent over 2 years creating it, and it's got everything I wish I had when I found out about my husbands addiction.

    If you need anything I am here, as well as the community!
    kropo82, Square79 and hope4healing like this.
  3. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    I wrote this same thing to my husband in a letter a while back. Every time I look in his eyes, I think that. Sometimes I can't even look at him, and that's a big reason why.

    It really sucks to be in this place, and I'm sorry you're here as well.
  4. Octoling

    Octoling Fapstronaut

    God damn it, I wish I had quit a long time ago. I'm gonna have to tell my SO what I've been doing, and she's gonna not be able to look at my eyes the same way anymore :(
  5. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    Yup. But this time, his attitude is different. He's put no effort into getting help and starting recovery. But he's also not stupid. He's really keen to buy this certain property he's been to look at - "he" not "we". I think he'll stay quiet about his "recovery" and "relationship" until I leave. At that point, he'll buy the house and won't have to hide his PMO anymore (my prediction). It's the guilt-free way out. It's also typical of him to bury his head in the sand which is exactly how all this started. I would never had been intimate with someone who's used a brothel, stone cold straight and sober. Real men don't play cheap and easy, they respect their own bodies more than that.

    There's so much damage that's been done, I can't help him anymore. He doesn't need me anyway, his whole daily routine is that of a single man, no shared activities. I think he dated me for the wrong reasons too.

    There's other things that can't be helped if we were to stay together. Since DDay, I've deliberately thought in advance to anticipate whether a movie/TV series is going to have sex scenes and if so, for what duration. But choosing entertainment is not enough to avoid relapsing, especially if an unexpected naked woman came on the screen. Now normally, I couldn't give a shit if that had happened with a previous boyfriend. Then again, they didn't have PIED so I never felt ugly or 3rd rate. I don't want to censor what I watch with my man - it's too parent-child.

    After a thus so far, crazy life, I've come to realise that I've hardly ever felt safe. I'm ready to settle down now, into a monogamous long term/marriage with a man, a mature & faithful one - that's Plan A. Plan B is to humbly, live life single and then die happy, fulfilled and knowing that I had strength to prefer living alone over playing doormat.

    Yet through all this, I'm still heartbroken and feel that I've lost my man to something so cheap and degrading.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  6. Square79

    Square79 Fapstronaut

    I feel you, sweetheart.

    Same here, met the man of my dreams, all seemed perfect.

    Sex addicted for decades, really really bad, with daily porn for hours, brothels, Escort-Girls..
    Plus two wonderful young children which makes it hard for me to simply break up...

    You've got the chance for a new life ❤️
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  7. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    Day 3: Another day closer to healing

    The stress, anxiety and anguish I've been feeling is causing my gastric ulcer to act up again, losing more weight through the vomiting, lack of appetite and lack of sleep. These are just physical effects of finding out how deeply my fiance had betrayed me. The psychological effects are worse. I don't want to think all men choose porn/toys/wanking over their own real women because that myth would stop me from meeting and/or dating a real gent (yes, they do exist). I will not let this soul-destroying experience impact on my faith in a respectful, honest marriage/partnership. I will need time to heal, yes. I will probably cry some more and blame myself, yes. It's just that it might take longer to trust someone enough to have sex with them, knowing that they aren't PIED first.

    This time last year, I'd got my future sorted. To marry my fiance and raise our girls (from previous) together as a partly blended family. To look after him when he's in pain and them when they need a woman to go to or help with their relationship with their Dad. That no matter what happened to either of us, the other one will be there, until the end. Til death do us part. But it wasn't death that parted us but his grubby little obsession with his penis and any naked woman (providing it wasn't his daughters or his mother - they're only to be respected). Reading that back to myself, I can see how our marriage would have ended up so I have dodged a bullet.

    I have 4-5 weeks to pack. We are moving on the first weekend in Sept (Sat & Sun) unless I can get an advance from my employer (then it'd be mid-Aug). There's still plenty to do. I also have a teenager off on school summer holidays and I work Mon-Fri so there are those commitments. I think the time will fly by because I'll be so busy working and boxing up belongings, plus this house is big enough to not get in each others way. He'll just leave me to get on with it. He hasn't asked me to stay because he wants me to go. He just never had the balls to say it because he doesn't want to look like a bastard.

    Well, it worked. We're single now so he, and I, can do what we want.
  8. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    He's just told me that his recent ED/PIED is a result of how my body looks now.

    Fucking crushed.
  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Oh he can shut up.
    Moon Shot, kropo82 and JustSadPorn like this.
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    That is a load of crap. He is just trying to save face. His addiction caused his PIED. Not You. Addicts love to blame their SO so they avoid responsibility... I am so sorry he said that to you. That was completely childish, addicty, and wrong of him to do.
    Square79, Moon Shot, Numb and 5 others like this.
  11. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    That's awful! Please, if you can, don't put yourself in the position where he'll have the chance to say any more hurtful lies to you.
    Square79 and Trappist like this.
  12. My God. That's Hell right there. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel devastated, but I gotta say (pardon the pun) that you're not the one that comes out looking bad here.
    kropo82 likes this.
  13. Darkligh

    Darkligh Fapstronaut

    Such a twat!
    Square79, mcgrim and kropo82 like this.
  14. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I'm just going to juxtapose two quotes from your posts:

    You have! One day he'll wake up and realise what he threw away, but by then you'll be in the arms of someone else.
  15. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    Thank you all for your kind words, I really need to hear them right now.

    I've come to realise a few things after the cruel little speech he gave me.

    1.He could get it up before I lost all that weight. He's been impotent right the whole way through. Limp dick on the first date, limp dick the last time he tried to perform and a series of bad, limp dicks in between.
    2. He was impotent with his first wife through using camgirls (while his wife raised and nursed his children) all because she was a bitch. That's his excuse.
    3. He was impotent with that prostitute because, and I quote, she was "fat"
    4. He once dragged some poor drunk woman from a club and was impotent - she'd probably not got a porn star body either.

    All his "real women" sexual experiences have failed. I wonder if that's because he only associates erections with porn star bodies/voyeurism/deviant/seedy side of sex. Both his parents were unfaithful (shockingly so actually) so what has he learned sex=seedy/deviant.
    I thought that enjoying sex was about love and connection - the difference between having some cold PA banging you from behind or the manly one that takes care of you in bed, the one that gives eye contact, tells you he loves you. Most importantly was satisfied to have a sex life as opposed to being a voyeur.

    I asked my PA in the beginning how he felt about recording us having sex (privately, not for internet/family album etc) - just for us to see/use. He hated that idea but gladly wanked over strangers doing the exact same thing.

    In short, I've had almost 40 lovers and only one had erection problems. He was a steroid user and we didn't last long, his moods were bad. A year after we broke up, he hung himself (don't do steroids, kids!). In that time, I've seen all shapes and sizes of men's bodies, fat ones, skinny ones, hairy ones, muscled ones, dweebs and all different shapes and sizes of penises all of them erect. I loved and appreciated every one of them and each experience taught me something about love, honesty and values.

    In truth I am still utterly heartbroken and am in blind panic now. I've got my teenage daughter out of the house I've told her what's going on - she took it well and I sent to her Grandmas to stay - I do not want my daughter in this house now. I'll only be here to sleep, box up and ship out.

    Some possible good news though, I might not need a couple of weeks to move. There's a vacant property that's really good for us with work and school close and it's already to go. It's nearly 10pm here so I'll ring in the morning, fingers crossed, so exciting! If nobody's got there first, we could be all moved in a week.

    Then I will never see him again or speak to him again.

    What bothers me is that he'll do it again to the next poor woman, how his wife and kids left him and his impotency is from stress and denying porn again...and again...and again. He'll use the same lies because he believes them. If you don't have a porn star body, it'll be your fault I can't get it up.

    Thanks Kropo. I didn't give my consent for a relationship based on ("It's stress, I've stopped using porn") selfish lies. Only he knew it was PIED and didn't tell me, put an engagement ring on me, trapped me into a 3yr frustrating boring existence. I resign.
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2018
    kropo82 and Jason_Tesla_19 like this.
  16. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    Result. I have two property viewings both on Wed. One of them I'm really excited about because its immediately available and I can afford it NOW.

    I am avoiding my ex-SA until then. If accepted for the property, Ill text him the moving out date but I plan to leave a couple of days earlier when he's not around.
  17. HeartbrokenFiancee

    HeartbrokenFiancee Fapstronaut

    Final post.

    Thank you all to you beautiful, strong people. Watching you face your demons and being bravely honest is inspiring.

    But I have to sign off now. I have accepted that this relationship could never have been saved while he couldn't be honest. If I carry on posting on this site and checking answers, it means I still have hope. I don't.

    Music will get me through this. I've strongly visualised that I'm moving out of a house-share and that my ex is only a landlord. I will pack while listening to music from a time when I used to be happy and cheerful. Music from a time when I felt appreciated as a woman.

    God bless you all and thank you xxx

    "I'm not afraid of what I'll face but I'm afraid to stay.." Jump by Madonna
    kropo82 likes this.
  18. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    That's a very sweet way to leave us, thank you.

    From the little I know of you I am sure that you will make it through to a future where you are happy, cheerful, and appreciated as a woman. Good luck!
    TryingHard2Change likes this.

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