I need somewhere safe to offload. My friends are amazing but my embarrassment stops me from talking about this openly. A few years ago, I met a wonderful man who over time became a friend (that I fancied). He'd been married & divorced and spoke about his children so fondly, really proud. I thought that was a good sign of a kind, loving man. When we started dating, he would send thoughtful little texts, buy flowers for no reason, put his jacket around my shoulders from the car to the restaurant, listen to my boring hopes and fears, lol. But the first time we made love, he couldn't get an erection. What I thought was strange was that he brought blue, ED pills on the date with him - like he already knew he wasn't going to get an erection. I attributed this to a controlling ex wife & previous bad experiences. How wrong I was. After the first failure, I asked him if he was using porn. I'd heard of desensitisation due to porn overload. I told him many women don't mind their partners using porn but, if that's your thing, that's fine. But let me go because it's a despicable industry and I do not want to compete with shit. He vowed he would stop the porn. Fast forward a few years to DDay. From that first date onward, he never stopped the porn, he just did it in secret. I lay sexually frustrated night after night but believed him when he said it was insecurity, not PIED. So I never told him how frustrated I was because that would be cruel - especially as he couldn't help it. But he could help it. I read about PIED in January and confronted him. Since then, his staggered disclosure has been soul destroying. I naively thought it was just porn (like the 1980s magazines stuff). Since then, he's admitted to using a brothel, sex oils and kinky shit (I found next to his bed - he wasn't using them with me), paying for subscriptions, wanking at work (???!!!) and just recently admitted to using camgirls when he was married. Camgirls are kind of a step up from what I thought was low level porn and, for the first time ever, felt sorry for his wife. In short, I do not know who I got engaged to but I don't like him. He's immature, and entitled when it comes to sex. He deliberately sex-starved me for years, knowing that I'd never cheat. But he had everything - he'd M to porn in the bathroom so he didn't have to touch me. I feel half angry that he trapped me for that long and half floored that I no longer have the hero, the gentleman, the one I could really talk to and brag about how well he treats me. I miss that man so much but I have to keep reminding myself that the man I fell in love with would never have lied to me, would have been faithful, cared about my feelings etc. In other words, I'm going to miss a man who never existed. I am mourning for something that never was. He did go into "recovery" but it lasted about 8 weeks. During that time, he could, and did, make love to me. For the first time ever, we were having a real sex life, something I'd been missing out on for years. It was awesome. He never lasted long because it was so good and I finally felt like a real woman. Sexy and wanted. Then I became unwell. After a week of this he asked my permission to PMO "just one more time". Alarm bells rang and he's not had an erection with me since. This time, I don't need to ask why - its all very familiar. I keep crying because it's one outlet to coping with the grief. I used to love looking in his eyes (he's got the most gorgeous colour eyes) but now I just imagine what those eyes have seen. I used to love him touching me but now I imagine his right hand fingering a prostitute and his left hand holding a credit card. I think about the engagement ring I've given back to him and remember the camgirls he paid for after taking vows to his (ex) wife. I've only just realised something else I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss taking care of him. It's kind of a hidden joke between us, he pushes himself too far, gets in pain, and I nag at him to slow down, get his paracetamol, massage his feet etc. I guess it was only this about our relationship that made me feel useful. He never made use of me sexually because I've never been enough for him. I'm documenting this countdown to help ease my own distress and low self worth. Each post will be a day closer to my freedom. Freedom to find peace and build up my self confidence. During the month of August, I intend to work, finish packing the stuff I'm taking and doing something new/treat myself. I'm devastated at the moment but, that's okay, it's a part of grief. God bless you, SOs. We signed up and committed to something we didn't ask for.