I think I'm losing, guys. I want to kill myself after a 23-day streak. I've welcomed myself to the rathole; I deserve whatever comes to me. I betray God; I welcome the devil to make me a filthy person; I deserve whatever awaits me. I've lost soldiers; I feel trapped; I didn't want this; I never did ; I screwed up and relapsed 4 times in a 5- to 4-day span. I was so happy and strong for 23 days, and now I have relapsed several times. I hope that I die soon, truly. Cmon guys, you must win, and we as men must win. I am disgusted by myself. You must win.
Don't give in to your guilt, my friend! Don't let guilt win. You've done 23-days... you can do it again, and better!
Stay strong man and never give up. Stand proud because even tho you may trip and fail from time to time you are still trying to fight something that most man don't even dare to face. You got this.
I think it is not psychologically healthy that you punish yourself with sin talk. Yes religion and Bible has great and wise information, but applying it on this type of issue is not productive. This has to do simply with your brain dopamine bsseline that was very high when indulging, after 23 days it became too low, thus made you reboot 4-5 times in very short time compenstating your dopamine amount. This happens to people it is not uncommon. That is why some folks need 90 days some more, some less. I would suggest to you to follow your duration of P sessions on a monthly basis. Then you can see where you really are currently in progress.
The fact that you are upset with yourself is a good sign. Imagine if you did all that and felt no remorse at all? Something in you recognizes the destructiveness of this wretched habit. Listen to it!
