Love Development Journal

- Phrasing the journal in a positive way (focused around developing love) rather than on reducing addictive behaviour.

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Day 1.

I feel quite good today. A path of radical honesty feels liberating, and I am finding other things to focus on pretty easily. I do feel a little lonely, which is something to be mindful of and mitigate.

I am committing to journalling here for the next 90 days. I've posted in previous threads (e.g. the 90 days challenge), but having all of my responses in a central place makes me feel more accountable.

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For reference: I use my day counter more like an age counter.

 

Day 5

Over the last few days I've felt pretty fragile. I've really struggled to regulate my behaviour and take care of myself, and I'm not sure how to move through this period of lostness. I haven't felt any resistance with overcoming issues with PMO, but I have spent a lot of time playing video games.

One thing that I feel confident about, is that focusing on the work, the honing-your-craft part of living, always makes me feel better. So in the meantime while I continue addressing these issues, I know I can do that.

 

Day 6

I felt pretty dull throughout the day, but I still gave my best effort to make empowering decisions. I've hardly felt any urges lately, other then when I wake up, but my desire to address this issue is really strong right now so it hasn't felt challenging to overcome them.

While in the process of seeking professional help, I've been trying to reflect on any deep-rooted trauma I've accumulated, that's ultimately driving this addiction as a coping mechanism. It's been very uncomfortable to think about, especially since dwelling on the past, especially the negative parts, feels destructive on the surface. However, after a few days I began to realize patterns of thinking as well as certain actions that made me more aware of the wounds I carry. One exercise that was particularly useful was to create (while in a positive headspace) a 'trauma board' which detailed any emotional pain I'd experienced that had really stuck with me, and that helped me link ideas together.

I also received some useful advice about how, while perhaps not bad, trying to intellectualize my problems isn't going to be super useful, since my problems aren't intellectual themselves. I often find myself defaulting to an analytical approach, which (as observantly pointed out) is likely me trying to gain a sense of control of the issue. Although it's important to remember that I always have the freedom to change as a person, I realistically don't have control over an addiction and shouldn't lie to myself in pursuit of comfort.

 

Day 7 - Feeling better than yesterday! I was more productive and social today than I've usually been the past few days.

I haven't had any urges, but I realized today that taking hot showers are triggering for me, due to the warmth, physical touch, and nakedness. I don't feel impacted when I take a cold or cool shower since I'm less relaxed and physically more uncomfortable, so I'll keep the temperature lower going forward. I usually end on cold, but I've been lifting weights more recently and don't want to hurt my adaptions, so I'll just use cool water instead.

 

Day 9 - Feeling pretty rough today. I've been re-evaluating some foundational stuff in my life recently and it's certainly weighing on me. I know that this feeling will pass though. Haven't had any issues with urges today, although I feel like recovery is interfering with my sleep again. I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight.

 

Day 12

I've been struggling with some urges lately, which I'm sure relates to not being present here for a few days. I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed the past few days as I've started to seriously consider moving to a different city, stepping away from my current commitments and more or less radically changing my life. The greatest stress has stemmed from feeling a sense of guilt and sadness over leaving behind others and feeling like I'm betraying a lot of people who believed in me. Although I think this may be the most logical decision, it's still uncomfortable.

During the day I haven't felt any powerful urges, and all of it is stemming from my dreams. I've been having very vivid, fantastical dreams lately, which has included some sexual triggers. I know that nocturnal emissions don't qualify as a relapse, but it still interferes with how I'm feeling. I'm sure that this it part of the withdrawal process and will improve over time, so I just need to be more diligent about my recovery process. Ultimately, I'm never going to be free if not relapsing is due to never feeling trigged. Awareness and discipline are key.