Low Self-Esteem?

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Deleted Account, Nov 20, 2014.

  1. Sometimes seeing how others easily succeed in things (for example, NoFap) while I struggle really makes me feel terrible, like I'm a failure who can't accomplish things. It could be things from video game stages to big life deals to this. Any tips? Because I realize these negative thoughts are detrimental to me.
  2. cras

    cras Fapstronaut

    First you gotta remember that everyone is different. Everyone is their own person. Everyone is a mix of their own urges, their own drives, and like 50 billion other things. So you can't look at other people's success and expect the same from you. It's not easy, despite what their successes might suggest. Just realizing that has helped me immensely in my struggle. Accept who you are, you are someone who looks at porn, and just take a look at yourself. You don't want to do that, right? Remember that feeling.

    Now its time to arm yourself. Only you really know your triggers. If you don't, then figure them out (as safely as possible :)). Once you know them, make sure you avoid them like the plague. They will only make things harder for you.

    Reading this guy's OP should help: here. You need that attitude, and don't get disheartened if you trip up. Just keep moving forward.

    EDIT: here's something else I found for you. Scroll down to the "replacing the inner critical voice" section. To be honest, I only skimmed it, but it looks like it can help a lot. Here's the link.

    Remember, you're only a failure if you stop trying. I don't see anyone failing here.

    Keep moving forward!

    Last edited: Nov 20, 2014
  3. heyitshannes

    heyitshannes Fapstronaut

    I've been struggling to give up for over 10 years now, and believe me, I know exactly how you feel man. The thing that is currently helping me is celebrating every day without PMO. Stay strong dude. You can do this. :)
  4. KrmGrn

    KrmGrn Fapstronaut

    Yeah I understand. I've been failing at stuff my whole life. But I've also succeeded at things. I have a habit of just focusing on the negative, so I have to consciously put my attention on the positive. The things I have accomplished in life, the days I have been successful here. Even the fact that I'm here on this site is something to be proud of and a step forward. Lately I've focused on starting small and doing one thing at a time. Small goals, small steps. I also think it can be helpful to create habits that support what you're trying to do here. Those small habits increase your likelihood of success.

    Some habits I've started:
    I leave my bedroom door open.
    I read and post on this site every day. Usually more than once a day.
    I wear a rubber band/wrist band and I snap it lightly whoever I have a sexual thought or an objectifying thought.
    I check my counter throughout the day and keep track of my progress. And just focus on making it through the next few hours.
    I make this site the first thing I see whenever I go online, whether on my computer or phone.

    And of course this site is full of other good suggestions about things to do. Keep going, man! One day at a time, one hour at a time.
  5. quitter13

    quitter13 New Fapstronaut

    Just remember that you are making a commitment to yourself, that in itself is something you should be proud of. Just remember to take small steps, this is not something that you can overcome quickly.
  6. EternalWaves

    EternalWaves Guest

    This is a classic vicious cycle.
  7. Forty Six & 2

    Forty Six & 2 Fapstronaut

    of all TED Talks I have ever seen this one was the most helpful to me:
  8. ds112358

    ds112358 Fapstronaut

    There are different levels of the problems people have. Addictions affect some people more than others. You are capable of anything in this world. All you need to do is work for it.

    Also remember that people who are successful now must have gone through immense struggles to get where they are. I, for one, have been struggling to quit PMO since February! It is only now, 9 months later, that I have got my life on track. If you work hard now you will actually be better at this than me, remember that!

    Read this, it helped me immensely:

    Good luck and stay strong,
  9. anthrope

    anthrope Fapstronaut

    Kallosthenos - I feel what you're going through. We're all wired differently, and for some of us it takes more time and effort to work on self esteem. As suggested in the excellent posts above, this is a vicious cycle, and it is entirely possible to break it.

    Have you ever wondered what sort of inner self talk world leaders and successful CEOs have? They appear to make big, bold mistakes in the media spotlight, and they simply find the inner strength to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and quickly learn from their mistake. I suspect that they've learned how to manage their critical self talk.

    I wrote this piece of changing critical self talk some time ago. It will help you.

    Healing critical self talk
    Changing your inner self talk appears to be the main ingredient in taking charge of your thoughts and actions, in the context of an addictive mindset. In order to actually change your self talk, you must first step outside of it. The key to stepping outside your current self talk is simply being aware of your inner space. In other words, learning to see clearly what goes on inside your own mind, without modulating it. This is where mindfulness meditation comes into play.

    So, step 1:Be mindful. Start out slow. Sit comfortably. Take a few deep breaths. Now simply sit. Scan your entire body from toe to head. Rest your attention on each part of your body for a second. If you find it challenging, wiggle that body part a bit to get you going. The moment you recognize that instead of resting your attention on some part of your body, you're thinking, simply move your attention back to your body. The skill developed here is in recognizing that you're caught up in thinking, in not beating yourself up over being caught up in thinking, and in moving your attention back to your body. Do this until you've scanned your entire body, from toe to head. Do it twice. You will feel discomfort as your mind tries dominating your experience. When you feel discomfort, simply return your attention to your body. The discomfort is a great sign. It means you're retraining your brain.
    Step 2. Replace your critical self talk with appreciative and confident self talk. As you become better at watching your thoughts, you realize very soon when an old voice in your head starts saying 'you're not good enough; you'll never amount to anything; you'll always be a loser'. You no longer allow this voice any airtime. You immediately say to yourself 'I have everything I want inside me; I am powerful beyond belief; I am strong and resilient this moment; I can easily crush all the puny challenges that come my way; Especially the challenge of this critical inner voice.'

    Come up with your own version of a confident internal monologue, and use it as often as you need to. You can use my version if you want to. The key is that our brains respond to words because we've trained ourselves to respond as such. So a simple verbal message that you repeat inside your head, each time your critical inner voice shows up, can have far reaching effects. I'd urge you to try it, since true addiction recovery happens only when our self image heals.


    Here are some verbal counterpoints to your critical self talk. In regular font is the critical self talk. In bold is the counterpoint that you can use.

    I am a loser. I am powerful and strong, beyond all belief and expectation. You, my critical self talk, are only a habit. Very soon, you will not be a habit.

    This always happens to me. I always fail. This has happened to me this time, but I am resilient and I find new ways to crush failure. Everytime I fall down, I realize that I have more than enough strength to pick myself up.

    Oh no, she/he looked at me like that again. I need to change myself, or stand on my head, and I'll like myself again only when I please her/him. So she/he doesn't like me as I am. Oh well. She/he is missing out on the wonderful and absolutely unique piece of the universe that is me. Even when I change myself to please her/him, it is such short term gain. I am happy simply being myself, and loving myself just as I am. Others don't have to like me. I can back myself against the entire world, when I am called to.

    I feel vulnerable and raw inside. I need to distract myself. That's right. Look at how great it feels to rub my penis. Look at the rack on that brunette. Golly, she's a Victoria's Secret supermodel! I feel vulnerable and raw inside. The need to distract myself arises, but it is a false need. What happens when I follow it? What happens when I look at the rack on that brunette? In the past, has it ended with me having a relationship with that brunette? Does salivating over her digital image ever lead to a relationship with her, laughter with her, love with her? What lies at the end of this road? Semen on a tissue, a tired body, and a deeper feeling of raw hurt on the inside. I am feeding this same raw, vulnerable feeling that I feel inside right this minute, instead of healing it. So what do I do, other than recognize it?

    Oh yeah, I can simply recognize that I am not that feeling. I am so much more. I can stand in front of the mirror and force a smile for a whole minute. I can stand tall, and think of one major accomplishment in my life, while still being intensely aware of that raw, vulnerable feeling...

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