In my post earlier today in my main journal, I listed several healthy behaviors I need to engage in if I'm going to overcome my ED and repair my relationship with my wife. These healthy, positive behaviors are not only to replace/offset the new absence of P and MO in my life, but also to improve my physical and mental health and show my wife that I am committed to taking an active role in this process, above and beyond what she and I are doing together in therapy. By posting here, I can keep track of how I am doing and keep myself accountable. Feel free to comment if you want. I'm happy to engage in discussions. But don't feel obligated. This is mostly for my own use. This morning, I weighed in at 240.1 pounds. That is down from my recent high of 247 but up from my recent low of 237. My goal is to weigh no more than 225 pounds by my birthday on August 12th. In addition to recording my progress against this goal, I also will be tracking how I do on the following: Meditation at least 10 minutes at least 5 days/week. Exercise at least 3 days per week, at least 30 minutes per session. No alcohol at all Monday-Wednesday. No more than a total of 6 drinks the rest of the week combined. No junk food at all, except one "cheat" per week (e.g., if the family orders pizza or decides to go out for ice cream). Go upstairs when my wife goes to bed, even if that only means watching TV while she reads. Find at least one opportunity per day to show her physical affection besides the hug and kiss when leaving for work/returning home from work. Find at least one opportunity per day to tell her how I feel about her other than saying "I love you" when leaving for work, saying goodbye on the phone or saying goodnight. I think that about covers it. Let's see how this goes.
No meditation this morning, but I'm going to try to find time before the end of the day. Headed to the gym shortly, which will make 2 days in a row. No alcohol or junk food at all yesterday. Did not go upstairs with the wife last night, but only because she was getting up very early this morning and my boy wanted to watch the ballgame with me. I did talk to her about it, though, so at least she knows it was on my mind (and that I was being considerate, not selfish, in choosing not to join her). No real physical or verbal affection yesterday. Room for improvement.
Made it to the gym. Also found an unused office on a very quiet hallway in my building that is perfect for a short meditation run if I can't manage to get one in before I leave for work. Sat for 10 minutes. Also, I recently moved offices two floors higher than before. I have been taking the stairs (to the 5th floor) in the morning and after my workout (my gym is at my place of employment). I also have to make 2 trips a day back down to the 3rd floor (and back up again) for my coffee fix. That ends up working out to be a lot of stairs per day/week. Which is nice.
Good things happening from a woman's point of view, can I just say that going to bed with her (at the same time) is like a gateway to the things you want to do re affection and conversation. Really try and make that happen every night, although I see why you didn't as above. I'm really proud of your great start x
No alcohol or junk food yesterday. No after-dinner snacks, either, although I was somewhat hungry. Weighed myself this morning....235.1, 5 pounds less than Monday morning. I think that's a reflection of the fact that Monday morning (after a weekend) is not a particularly good time to weigh in, but also of the fact that I have been pretty disciplined in the meantime. Regardless, that puts me within 10.1 pounds of my goal weight with 51 days to go. If I stick with the plan, there is no good reason why I should not be able to hit my number. Headed off to medidate for a few minutes, then on to the gym -- three days in a row! Break day tomorrow, then intending to be back in the gym on Friday. No real progress on the affection front, though. A lot of this is detailed in my main journal in the 40+ section, but the counseling and related work my wife and I are doing has made this somewhat challenging at the moment. A difficult conversation last night, plus my need to go pick up our daughter fairlyl late, led to my not joining her in the bedroom when she went upstairs. The best I can do is continue to make myself available to her, which this morning led to a long hug and kiss before I left for work.
So, yesterday was clearly my "cheat" day. Had dinner out with the family. Cheeseburger, fries & 2 beers. Got in my meditation and a workout, though, so it wasn't a complete wash. Not much in the way of physical or verbal expressions of love -- although we did better than earlier in the week -- but I did go upstairs with her when she was headed to bed. I won't make it it to the gym today -- we have our weekly joint counseling session this afternoon, and I just can't justify taking that time off of work plus the time it would take to work out -- but I'm determined to be back tomorrow. And as soon as things quiet down around here (kids headed off to activities, wife headed off to gym, workers finishing up in basement) I plan to get in some meditation. No junk food or alcohol today, either.
Just back from the gym, which makes 4 days this week. Planning to get in some meditation this afternoon as well. No junk food at all yesterday, although I did have one beer (long and not terribly interesting story; you'll have to read my main journal if you're curious; I'm not repeating it here). Got in some meditation as well. Hoped to go longer than 10 minutes but was interrupted. Had a nice snuggle with the wife last night and a couple of kisses, so the affection part is a gold star, too. Heading into the weekend feeling strong.
Never got in my meditation yesterday, but did a solid 20 minutes this morning. No gym today, but lots of work in the yard ends up being almost as good. Although it is the weekend so I can drink, I took it pretty easy last night. No junk food (despite finding cake in the break room yesterday afternoon, which is often my downfall), no late night snacks. Didn't go up to bed with the wife because she wasn't feeling well. I asked, and she said no but appreciated me asking. Not much in the way of physical or verbal affection, still. Obviously, those are proving to be the most challenging parts of my new approach. They need work.
Not the healthiest weekend. Tons of yard work on Saturday probably replaced a trip to the gym, but I drank quite a bit (the wife and I went to a local craft beer festival with our former next door neighbors) and didn't eat all that healthfully (dessert after dinner Saturday night, some late-night Saturday munchies). Got in another 20 minutes of meditation yesterday morning, though. Weighed in at 236.8 pounds this morning. That's -3.3 pounds measuring Monday morning to Monday morning, which isn't too bad at all. Plenty of expressions of affection over the weekend, so that was an improvement. Amazing what happens when we actually have time....
No gym yesterday, as work events got in the way. Got in another 20 minutes of meditation, though. No booze, no junk food, no late night munchies. And already back to the gym today, so that's good. Hoping to find 10-15 minutes to meditate this afternoon. A little concerned about what lies ahead. We have the Independence Day holiday on Monday, and then I come back to a week and a half of insane activity at work. Severe limitations on workout/meditation time, challenges to my commitment to eating healthfully. Plus, lots of stress, which usually isn't terribly helpful in my recovery. But I can see trouble ahead, so I'll be ready. I will make it through.
Hit the gym yesterday and again today, so I'm back on track. Weighed in at 234.4 this morning, -5.7 since my initial weigh in 9 days ago. I got in 15 minutes of meditation yesterday and should be able to get 10-15 in today as well. No booze, no junk food, no late night munchies to report. Had a nice snuggle with the wife this morning and a couple of extra-long hugs and extra kisses before leaving for work this morning. Told her later that I really enjoyed the snuggle time, and she said she did, too. This is progress.
No gym today, as it is our day for couples therapy, but I already got in 20 minutes of meditation this morning. Down to 234.0. No booze, no junk food, no late night munchies. A couple of long hugs and kisses with the wife before bed last night, after which she looked at me and said I look "happy and relaxed....like you usually only do on vacation" and asked if I was "working on something". I just told her that I'd been working out, meditating and feeling good about our progress. And that made us both happy.
I had two handfuls of potato chips with lunch yesterday, and later I took my wife out for a drink and had one beer. So, not 100% clean on the booze and junk food. No late night munchies, though. Meditated for 15 minutes before work this morning, and headed off to the gym shortly. Gave the wife a neck rub in bed this morning (her neck has been hurting) after a couple of long kisses in the car last night while waiting to pick up our daughter (after having our drink).
Sounds like your in a good place, man... Don't let this rob you of the good feeling you have right now. You can see yourself on the other side of these challenging days and know that you will just be further along in your recovery when you get there...
So, it's been a rough week, as expected. No meditation at all since Saturday. Ate and drank poorly and too much Saturday-Monday. Righted the ship somewhat since then, including two post-work runs Wednesday and last night. Some physical and verbal affection with Mrs. 13. Relapsed Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. Lots of reasons for that, including my lack of discipline in these self-improvement areas. Back on track now, though.
Got in a run on Saturday, then nothing until tonight. Only one meditation session since my last post. Been reasonably good on the no junk food (had a package of peanut M&M's yesterday) and solid on the late night munchies. My weight today was 233.5. 0.5 pounds in 13 days seems pretty lame, but it's been a pretty insane 13 days -- parties, lots of boozing, crazy work schedule leading to some less healthy eating, etc. -- so any loss at all seems like a victory. I have 30 days to hit my goal weight of 225. That's only 8.5 pounds in 30 days. With the work craziness coming to an end Friday, I can get back on track.... Tons of physical and verbal intimacy with the wife last weekend (although no intercourse and no O for either of us), which was awesome. Essentially nothing since then, which is too bad (although reflects our crazy busy life this week, not to mention her hormones). No P or MO (or Psubs or wife test failures, etc.) in 8 days and going reasonably strong. That's my report. Wishing you peace and strength.
6 days since my last post. Been reasonably consistent on the exercise front. 4 miles on Friday, 3.1 miles (5K) yesterday afternoon at an average pace of 9:01/mile (which is very fast for me). Weight steady at 233.5, which isn't bad after drinking a lot of beer at a music festival on Saturday, although I need to get that number moving again if I'm going to hit my goal. Meditated Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and will find time today. Also still hoping to find time for a run today. Good displays of affection on Saturday. Not much since. So, mostly good, but not great. That'll have to do for now.
232 even this morning! No exercise yesterday, but plan on getting out for a run at some point today. Got in another meditation last night before bed, as well. No booze, no junk food, no late night snacks. Clean living.
