Meaningful musings about my rebooting experience.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Buddhabro, Dec 24, 2017.

  1. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I have been a participant here on NoFap since August 10,2016.
    Despite everything, my desire to reboot, recover, and overcome my addiction to PMO is still intact; which really means, I have endured a few short lived ‘streaks’, the best of which occurred from 5/24/17 until 10/1/17, or 130 days. I wanted to add the words ‘PMO free’ at the end of the last sentence, but I could not.
    Not that it was all a lie, but I cannot confess to not being a liar.
    All of my attempts thus far, have been completed with the ‘spirit’ of ultimately becoming ‘PMO free’.
    A myriad of methods, pathways, and meltdowns have lead to ‘full-blown relapse’ at the end of all my streaks. During the many streaks I had (at the very least), fondled myself and played with my morning wood; watching internet porn and edging for hours.
    I categorized them to myself as ‘resets’, and continued on with ‘my reboot’.
    Relapse for me was characterized as viewing porn, masturbating to it, and most significantly, orgasm for 2 or more days.
    Does it mean that I have been a liar and all my experiences, thoughts, feelings, struggles, and pains are just one big accumulation of lies?!?!?!?
    Should you stop reading, thinking, trying to become free of your addiction to PMO right now?
    Well, my (unequivocal) answer is ‘No’, certainly not!
    Other than a self-imposed ‘rebooting’ experience I had in my early twenties, this has been the most serious, continuous, committed attempt I have ever made at overcoming my addiction to PMO. If you’re curious you can read something about that in the information section of my profile page here on NoFap.
    So, ultimately everything that’s happened until now has been very good for me, and in a sense successful. Before we continue, I would suggest reacquainting yourselves with the terminology of NoFap, as I will also do periodically in order to check ourselves and recommit to the promise of trying to get better.
    Tomorrow, 12/25/17 is the first day of my last, and latest reboot challenge.
    It will be done in ‘monk mode’ fashion, as described in the NoFap glossary. I will also reset my counter if I willfully look at P, play with M, or O while engaging in either. You see, I’m 56 and I would be happy if I was able to have a wet dream!
    Even if I were fortunate enough to have an opportunity to have sex, I will not. I understand that I, and humans in general are sexual beings, but I will commit to abstaining in ‘monk mode’ from indulging in any one of the three aspects of a reboot challenge P.M. and O..
    For example, if I had the chance to engage in a meaningful and stimulating sexual/tantric experience with the touch of another, in order to reawaken and repair myself, then I would take it (without the O). Or if I am put in the uncomfortable position of having to view pornographic images, sex scenes in movies or television, bikini contests, strippers and alike, in the presence of others then I will not outright refuse to participate, nor condemn the behavior.
    I’m not a total dog, but I am a man, who’s done some doggie things!
    So I will keep up appearances as much as possible, excuse myself when possible, and mindfully endure the experience without causing myself pain, sadness, or trauma. I’m not looking to emasculate myself, or be judge-mental.
    This will officially be my one and only reboot journal.
    I’ve learned a lot here on NoFap, and come to realize many things, and want to live PMO free from today forward.
    Member from 8/10/16-<><>.
     
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2017
  2. I Am that I Am

    I Am that I Am Fapstronaut

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  3. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thoughts and feelings of loneliness are the biggest reasons for my subsequent addiction to PMO.
    Pictures and images of women posing provocatively excites and tricks my brain. Somehow, I thought these women were there for me, but now that I have been alone for a long time and fighting to overcome my addiction to PMO I see that it was a trap.
    I’ve found that, as a long time single male, dating sites and apps have a similar attraction for me as the provocative images of my childhood.
    I’m now aware of the danger of p-subs and how they are the responsible for creating a thought pattern aimed at natural impulses that were meant to motivate me towards socialization and mating in order to live a life worth living.
    Instead, I have become lost in my fantasy of lust for female companionship, and my addiction to PMO.
    It’s probably because I am older and feel like many of my dreams of having a good relationship are just dreams, but I feel that this fantasy is losing its grip on me. And for this, I am grateful.
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
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  4. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Abstinence from PMO behaviors and p-subs is where I find myself now.
    I’m better at being able to resist urges and hopeful that I can avoid indulging my addiction to PMO until I completely reboot and recover.
    Loneliness is a big trigger for me. The key to a successful reboot depends on my ability to be content with myself, by myself, without feeling lonely.
     
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  5. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Today is the last day of 2017. I’m still struggling with my addiction to PMO, unemployed, and lonely.
    In 2018, I hope to overcome my addiction to PMO, secure rewarding employment, and find positive, meaningful relationships.
    Here’s to a happy 2018 for all!
     
  6. Trucker925

    Trucker925 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Buddhabro! Hang in there, we're all rooting for you! I was unemployed from November 2014 to June 2015, then December 2015 to May 2016. I went through 4 jobs in the span of 2 years and I was severely depressed, and alone. I convinced myself that I was never going to find anyone, and I was heavy into porn usage daily and looking back now, if I would have tried to get out of the addiction sooner I would have had more motivation to find a job and get out of my situation faster. It WILL get better for you. Please keep us informed!
     
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  7. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I am not enjoying my reboot challenge, but I suppose that it’s because I am still addicted to PMO. I realize that I have no choice but to continue to try to reboot and recover from my addiction to PMO, but it’s not easy for me.
    Having said that, I believe that there’s only one way forward for me now and that it will take a very long time.
    I did this to myself and I must live with the consequences of trying to make things better without it actually being better. :(
     
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  8. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I’m at 50+ days and have been struggling with my depression and health. Life is a multi-faceted gem of a thing and it can be difficult to manage everything, all the time.
    I’m proud of my commitment and patience.
    I have hope that my medication is beginning to help with my very debilitating depression.
    Time to pick up the pieces and think about moving forward. At least I hope so.
     
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  9. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    It’s good to be alive and feel alive. PMO killed my feelings for life and living. It may not be the cause, or the only reason I’m depressed, but it’s a big one.
    The odd thing is that I have stopped taking my AD medication. Honestly, I expected it to be better because of my previous experiences with it.
    There are other ways to improve your sense of well-being other than just encouraging our own addictions.
     
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  10. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Fighting to overcome my addiction to PMO has been very difficult. It’s been a problem for approximately 40 years of my life, but now I think it’s over.
    It could be that I’m just old and tired, but I think I’m truly ready to leave this behind me now.
    Keep fighting and don’t give up!
     
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  11. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I had hoped that my reboot would be short and simple, like it was when I abstained for a period of about 90 days during my mid-twenties.
    This time around, because of various circumstances changing, it seems like it’s going to take longer.
    I’m happy to be battling, gaining momentum, and winning over my struggles with my addiction to PMO.
     
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  12. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    When I first began to reboot, I was very much physically and mentally addicted to PMO. Despite wanting desperately to overcome it, I wasn’t able to stop. Edging became the middle ground, and the front line of my battle with PMO addiction.
    Next, p-subs became another important (and new) compromise I made during my attempts to break free from my addiction to PMO.
    I’ve been single, lonely, and depressed for some time and p-subs (specifically dating sites and personal ads) are my biggest challenge now.
    Twitter accounts of porn actors and models eased my transition from porn videos, but was no less damaging to my plans to reboot and recover from my addiction to PMO.
    I’m happy to report that the comfort I received and looked for by indulging in PMO behaviors has loosened its grip on my life and battle with PMO addiction.
    My efforts to this point have given me the time and ability to overcome my challenges and live a happier and healthier life.
    Don’t give up the fight for freedom from your addiction to PMO! Let’s go! Just say no to PMO!
     
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  13. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    I feel like I am progressing in my fight to overcome addiction to PMO, but I am hurting.
    I used PMO as an escape from disappointment, so I accept the pain of trying to overcome my addiction to PMO.
    I think that I am going through a profound flatline experience in which I just have to endure. In the beginning, the onset of flatline was disconcerting and lead me to test myself and eventually relapse.
    Now my intention and efforts to reboot are more clearly defined and pure. And while I am getting better at this, I feel the full weight of this challenge coming down on me.
    I have no SO, or children, and am socially isolated, so I feel like it would be merciful if I were to die suddenly, but I don’t want to die having been so completely destroyed by this addiction.
    This is the fight of my life and I don’t intend to lose to such an evil thing like PMO addiction!
     
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  14. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    This is a lonely, unglamorous fight for freedom from addiction to PMO. I don’t know how rebooting will change the reality of my sorry life, but I’ve put my faith in the process of trying to overcome and recover from my addiction to PMO.
    In the end, there may be no happy ending, but I’m inspired by others here on NoFap to see this through.
    I suppose that people will see me as a loser in life, but I’m determined to win my battle with PMO addiction and become my own personal hero. No one will know or care, but I gotta do this for myself.
     
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  15. Awakening123

    Awakening123 Fapstronaut

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    What you are feeling is life not just bitter pmo addiction. Life itself is unfair for most of us tbh but there are ways to make the best out of it. As someone said that a thousand battle won outside is nothing compared to a single battle won within yourself. If you keep looking at yourself from other people's point of view and comparing yourself with other, you are bound to feel depressed. Even if you are a billionaire, there are going to be people richer, smarter and more successful than you. Comparing is a disease of our minds. Meditation can help.
     
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  16. Supercalafragilistic

    Supercalafragilistic Fapstronaut

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  17. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the suggestion @SuperKalafrag.
    I’m beyond wanting to view pornographic material or anything that could be construed as a p-sub.
    I feel like I am somewhat broken, but from what I’ve read here, I assume that I am in flatline.
    Until I emerge from what I think is flatline, however, broken is how I feel.
    Aches and pains, fatigue, and lack of motivation is all I feel.
    I’m having trouble enjoying anything. My only hope is that this changes for the better soon.
     
  18. Supercalafragilistic

    Supercalafragilistic Fapstronaut

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    I understand friend. I know that healing is the road to be free from these crutches, but until you can get past this flatline, medication might be a nice rope out of that emotional pit your in. Consult your doctor about your feelings and see what options they have for depression. Depression is extremely serious and should not, at all, be taken lightly.

    Once you feel you’re in a good way, consult your doctor again, and see about backing yourself off of the medication with his or her help. I hear that long periods of NoFap can actually remove the need for medications and dependencies.

    However deep a hole you have fallen into, there is always a rope nearby to get you out, even if it leads to a more shallow hole for now. Eventually, you’ll see the sun again. :)
     
  19. Buddhabro

    Buddhabro Fapstronaut

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    Thanks again @Supercalafragilistic. I appreciate your advice and concerns about my well being.
    I desire to live a life worth living and have enjoyed periods of great happiness and joy as well as struggling and suffering.
    I’m ready to try again and accept that I have difficulty feeling consistently safe, happy, and secure.
    My family has been gracious in supporting and caring for me during my darkest days. Without which I would have surely been homeless.
    I’m now considering going on Social Security Disability, but it’s hard to accept that I can’t live the rewarding and productive life that I hoped for.
    Usually, I am what is referred to as highly functioning and don’t appear to have any problems. The truth, however, is I can’t figure my way out of my many challenges and am getting increasingly fearful of the future.
     
  20. Supercalafragilistic

    Supercalafragilistic Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I think I know how you feel, about the struggles. I know not everyone believes in Jesus, but I do. That’s how I get through life. The Bible is full of inspirational messages, stories, and quotes from The Big Man himself. Just be careful of the opinions of people who have usually been hurt by someone misusing the Bible, warping it’s meaning, or just plain old misunderstanding it.

    Of course I do encourage you to go that route, especially with knowing how much it has helped me, but if you’re not ready, find something that will keep you afloat. Something positive you can turn to that will lift your spirits, motivate you, inspire you, to do better, be better. To be more.
     

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