Mother or girlfriend

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by MikeSilva, Aug 3, 2020.

  1. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Hellow brothers,

    I have an issue and I am wondering if someone could help me with this. I have a fantastic girlfriend (a Dutch girl) of 26. I am a 25 year old dutch guy with Syrian roots. We have a fun relationship and we are together for 2 years now.

    My mother mentions that she cannot accept a dutch girl for me and not a syrian girl. I have a feeling I have to choose between my GF and my mother which makes me very sad and stressed.

    Can someone offer me a bit of wisdom or advice? Thank you and apologies if this is not a porn related topic.
     
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  2. We have the luxury that we are the first generations that can choose our partners freely. Not even 100 years ago love was barely a factor in marriage but wealth and strengthening of family was. That we live in such a time is quite magnificent.

    I think we should use this right to choose to be with someone we truly like and connect with. I know that what I just wrote is easily said but not easily done in your position. I am not Muslim but I do have a Muslim girlfriend so I know the trouble a little bit.

    I think the thing that will work best are two things: reasoning and diplomacy.
    What are the worries your mom has about it? Which arguments does she bring forward? What does the rest of the family think about your girlfriend, like your father and siblings? Search for an open and chilled talk. Shouting or fighting won't be helpful because your opposite party (your mom) will feel strengthened in her position and probably will think you are too inexperienced to know what is the best for you. Show her in a reasonable and chilled way that she is wrong. Actively listen to her arguments and bring counterarguments that object her doubts. If you let us know what she usually would say we maybe can think about something to respond together.

    What worked quite well for me was that I slowly got introduced in the family of my girlfriend. I guess my girlfriend made sure to introduce me to the people first that would like me the most. In my case I got introduced to her mom and her female cousins. They all found me sympathic and respectful and word about me spread around fastly. That helped me so much to gain the trust of all of them. As soon as it was clear that my intentions with my girlfriend were clean they accepted me. If you manage to win the rest of your family over, it will have a big impact on your mothers views as well. I am sure.

    PS.: You should watch the movie "Serial (Bad) Weddings". It fits your issue perfectly. Never forget to keep your humor. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 4, 2020
  3. georgep

    georgep Fapstronaut

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    Choose girl. But only if you truly love her. By love, I don't mean good sex or even good times. Something deeper. You would know.

    Regarding the mother: after 18 yo the parent must let the kid alone make his/her choices.
     
  4. Your mother should let you be independent after age of 18 and let you make your own choices. Otherwise, you wouldnt grow and become better. Explain this to your mom and maybe she'll agree. And no matter what happens dont leave your current girlfriend. Stay with her and spend happy time together :). Because its very hard to find true love. good luck !
     
  5. To quote Dick N. Bolles (author of What Color is your Parachute?):

    It's your life. What you choose to do is between you and God. No one else gets a vote.

    For context, that statement was regarding career choices but I believe it should apply to all major life decisions. We only get one go-around with this thing called life. If you really love this Dutch woman, then the choice should be clear. But you are asking online which suggests that you have doubt. That's okay. How incredibly difficult it is when our own family tries to influence major life decisions like this.

    You don't have to decide today. But I would recommend that you do not give up your girlfriend for your mother. If you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
     
  6. Hmm. Honestly? As a Muslim, I would have to follow what my mother wants so that she's pleased with me and that means Allah will also be pleased and give me tons of blessings. Also, having my mother, someone I cannot replace and cannot repay the debt I owe to her and has shown me greater love and care than anyone on earth will probably make me want to kill myself if shit go south.
     
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  7. GottaBFree

    GottaBFree Fapstronaut

    I got married at 23. I have kids and a great marriage that has only gotten stronger with time. I’m in my 40’s now.

    My advice: take your mom out of the equation and decide how you feel?
    —-
    I had a friend who would talk 20 minutes at a time about how he had the greatest girl and he wasn’t willing to commit so he let her get away.

    It was annoying but I should thank him. I was freaked out but I got married when my then girlfriend was going to move away. It was the best thing I ever did.

    if this is “the one” don’t let her go. A couple of years after marriage your spouse matters 10 times more than your parents. After 20 years, they matter a million times more.

    If this is the right girl, don’t let her go and find yourself complaining nonstop like my old friend.
     
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  8. Anakin66

    Anakin66 Fapstronaut

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    The choice is clear. Your mother. You obviously don't care enough about your girlfriend. Mothers will always have a problem with potential spouses regardless of race, nationality, religion etc.

    You have to be firm and make your own decisions. Move out of your parents house so that they don't have a say in your choices. You should be able to survive on your own at your age.

    If none of the above sounds doable because you fear your mother, then say bye to your girlfriend.
     
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  9. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all :)
     
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  10. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    True ! Thank you for your wisdom
     
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  11. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Yesss I completely agree with you
     
  12. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Yesss I think so to, right now I am even regretting it by even thinking about it
     
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  13. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece of wisdom and experience ;)
     
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  14. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    How do you know I do know that I do not care about my GF? This ks rather a bold statement ?
     
  15. Gf > Mother, in this scenario. (Imo)

    Your mother clearly values her choice above yours. I don't see why you, as her blood, shouldn't take a page out of her book and reciprocate these sentiments. ;)

    In any case, your mother will leave this world but you will still have to live with the consequences of her decisions for the rest of your life if you listen to her now. That just doesn't add up, in my opinion.

    Make sure you know what you're getting into with this gf though. Good luck ^^
     
  16. TIMMY0110

    TIMMY0110 Fapstronaut

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    if your mother cannot accept a dutch girl then why did she move to the Netherlands. She like the lifestyle that the dutch offers her, but still cannot accept a dutch girl. Thats not cool.
     
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  17. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Agreeeed !! Soo freaking hypocrite...
     
  18. It's not exactly hypocritical. Keep in mind that she likely prefers girls of her own country as a potential spouse for you because she knows exactly what their mindset and culture entails. It could be a form of Xenophobia expressing itself, but I feel this is a matter of preference and not outright hate.

    This doesn't make it right but do try to remember that she is still your mother. Questioning her intent or character is rather inappropriate, even at this juncture.

    At least, in my opinion. Perhaps you share a totally different dynamic.
     
  19. It's your life dude... You should be the one in charge of it, not your GF or your mother.
     
  20. MikeSilva

    MikeSilva Fapstronaut

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    Yess I understand what you mean.
     
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