My confession. possible triggers

Ok, here it is. I want to PMO. I know big surprise, but this isn’t any urge.

This isn’t easy for me to say, but I like it too much. There is this constant pull to it. It’s driving me crazy. I have done pretty much everything I’ve read on here and taken advice and done that too. Cold showers, eating well, writing down everything you want to gain from a reboot, writing down everything that will happen if you relapse, writing and doing routines to deal with urges, wiped all P I have, got an AP, working out, getting outside, giving and taking advice, etc. I know all the reasons I don’t want this anymore. It’s going to wreck my life. It has messed with my first year of university too much, and I’ll have to wait to pay the consequences of that. I have read what prolonged PMO addiction has done to people on here, and I don’t want it to happen to me.

I started this in February; I made 2 weeks first time and felt great. Then a string of relapses. I am now on day 8. I feel no better. I did in my 2 week streak, I felt great! I want to have that back. I was much closer to being happy of who I was then, but now is a different story. I was excited of what I was doing, and felt proud. I was seeing benefits and everything. But I feel like I just can’t do it this time. All the P flash-backs were there, but over the 2 weeks, they weren’t as bad as at the start, by that I mean they were getting softer until they reached a stage of just wanting some interaction with a woman. And I was getting that too. So, I do know why this is good for me, and I really want to do it.

But here is my confession. I’m at war with myself. Overly dramatic I know but still, that’s how it feels. I like the sensation of being aroused. I have to be careful as not to trigger anyone, namely myself. I find that my mind wanders and starts thinking about PMO. I then tell myself why I’m doing this, and start my routine and find a job around the house to do. But then my mind just thinks “whatever man, just do it” and I find myself edging. I said I wouldn’t do this, so then I stop, but I can’t get it out of my head. It’s then like I forget everything and wake up from my trance, to find myself edging about to go on the internet. I try to stop, but I like it too much. As my counter says, this is day 9 for me, so I haven’t gone over the edge, but I am constantly tempted. Even now after writing this I find that I’m ‘massaging’ myself. And I’ve been doing that for the past 9 days. AND I KNOW I SHOULDN’T.

I try to come on here in those times, but I find I get aroused by reading stuff. I know I shouldn’t but I feel like a puppet, not in control of my own actions when I know I am. I feel terrible. Even this is typed on word first so I don’t tempt myself. I enjoy the stimulus. And I feel filthy for saying that, but I need help. My fantasies and flashbacks have been lasting longer, because I’ve been allowing them too. I get stimulated, and the cycle repeats. I do snap out of them eventually. But I know myself I’m daydreaming too long.

This is hindering my process. I know why I haven’t been feeling the benefits I did feel last time yet; I have basically been doing everything but the full PMO. I’m not helping myself. I used to post on threads a lot at the start, but now I feel like a hypocrite whenever I do. I’ve indulged in doing everything associated in PMO. I don’t want to carry on the full 90 days like this, because I won’t be cured.

I have told my AP this, and hope they can forgive me.

I don’t like wallowing in self-pity. But I need help.