My first post , I totally need your help

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Logan(y-men), Mar 22, 2020.

  1. Logan(y-men)

    Logan(y-men) New Fapstronaut

    Hello everyone,
    I'm an introvert person and OCD patient,so I didn't want to participate in your site before,but I reached point in which I didn't find any topic talk about things that I've, so I decided to participate from on my own,

    In the following lines my darkest secrets,so please take it seriously,

    I began masturbation early in childhood and after we have an internet access I didn't know that there's porn site I was using Google in my own language to search for nude women till about age of 14 or 13 years old (after having a permanent access to the internet), I watched my first porn movie without even know what I'm watching I didn't know how the female sex organ looks like , and from that point I started to watch porn,and I tried to stop I couldn't

    And after i learned English I found it's a global crisis( at age 20)
    And thanks to your active members I could read a lot of topics and I learned a lot about this addiction, and discovered that there's many other people have OCD as me

    My problem is (I'm crying right now because of what I did)
    In last streak it was more than 50 days because there's girl I wanna take decision about but I can't till I complete the reboot to be stable emotionally and it was motivating for me in addition in this period I discovered many things about my self,BTW I masturbated and then watched porn and then I was totally out of control I was relapsing for 4 continuous days , multiple times each day to that extent that I used a homemade toy for the first time in my whole life and I used it in one day because It wasn't satisfying as my hand , and in the last relapse I did a horrible disgusting thing which I tasted my seminal fluid or my precum because after I ejaculated I was so disgusted and I would vomit but I didn't ,and drinked ample of water and mineral water because I was so disgusted, in addition to my penis was hurting me as a result of strong hard rubbing to that far I couldn't stand my pants to touch my penis it is was so painful

    Few hours ago I red a article about the oral sex may cause cancer because HPV and I did this disgusting thing many times before when I was also out of control , and now my OCD tell me I will have a oral cancer and I can't control these thoughts what i have to do and to be honest I'm afraid of it ?

    and could you tell how to don't relapse again and if I did could you tell me how to control my self, because now i remembered that every time I get out of control I hurt my penis in addition to do this disgusting thing ?

    After all you know about me ,do you think guys can I recover and has a normal life as a normal person ?

    And currently I have a strong desire to hurt my self because of what I did , although it's totally against my religious beliefs how can I mange this sadness and depression ?

    And i have some memories of sexual abuse I underwent, i was very little,so I have a unclear memories of it but some times I remember it during first few days of reboot how could i manage it too ?

    Thanks in advance and I'm sorry for my poor English
  2. Rustcan45

    Rustcan45 Fapstronaut

    Dude relax. You dont have cancer from ingesting your own seminal fluid and dont fucking hurt yourself. Nothing you listed here was out of the ordinary. You said you have OCD and I dont know exactly what that entails but I do know that you're blowing this way out of proportion. This is probably the softest thread I've read on nofap. Honestly just relax because nothing here is worth stressing over. Install a porn blocker on your phone and forget the password to it if you're really that freaked out.
    jeffmbaptist likes this.
  3. jeffmbaptist

    jeffmbaptist Fapstronaut

    I agree with Rustcan.

    Calm down. You are very normal. You have nothing to worry about. Relax.

    You're going to be just fine.

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