My Partner Journal

I'm new to NoFap but I honestly just need a place to process what is happening in my relationship and my own head. I figured that, since my partner has been keeping a journal, I could as well.

My fiance has been rebooting for the last twenty-or-so days, but porn has been impacting our relationship since the beginning. For a year, I thought he was rebooting, but I found out afterward that he had been PMOing in secret. Since then, rebooting has been an incredibly strenuous process.

For a long time, I had convinced myself that I was a bad partner for having an issue with my fiance's porn use. Over the year that I thought he had quit, I told myself that it was my own problem to deal with and that being a woman meant sexually satisfying my partner. I figured that, since he needs porn despite our active sex life, I was simply failing in my ability to keep my partner satisfied. Once I found out it had been a lie, I logically realized that if wasn't me, but an issue with him, but it is still impossible to control my thoughts.

The way my partner explains his PMO thoughts and urges is something I feel like I experience all of the time. Images of the porn I knows he likes floods my brain. I find it hard to stay focused during sex because I am too worried about my body or if I am satisfying him. I will check porn stars and cam-girls on twitter, imagining what it would be like if I could look like them. My own self-loathing is stronger than it ever has been. I find myself putting down my body, even trying to rationalize with myself that he will never not want porn; that his want for other people won't end with his reboot.

I don't know how to change my thoughts and feelings. I feel like there are so many resources through NoFap for rebooting but I feel lost on resources as a partner, paticularly without a religious orient. I want to feel better. I want to stop hating myself and doubting myself. I feel betrayed but my brain tells me that my feelings of betrayal are invalid.

I want to update this, hopefully to find some clarity. But, we'll see. I feel hopeless.

 

Today, like most days, I find myself overwhelmed by the amount of triggering or outright explicit content that exists in every facet of our lives. Whether it's tv shows, music videos, advertisements, websites, etc., we find ourselves having to dodge potential triggers. It gets really hard to enjoy time together when we have to extensively work to avoid seeing things that will trigger PMOing or my own self-loathing.