My recent experience with urges

Last week proved to be difficult for me due to an article in the press. The article itself was a well reasoned piece about objectification of women and the protrayal of female artists in the music industry. However, the article included images of a safe-for-work nature, but to me they were heavily triggering.

Prior to this I have had very few urges. The previous 20 days or so had been relaxing and uneventful. I had no need to look at anything. I felt no surge in incentive to go online for any particular reason. In fact I was actually finding it difficult to conjure up any specific memory of P. I tried a couple of times to see what would appear if I focused my mind on it and was very encouraging to find 10 or 20 seconds of fog before I gave up, relieved.

So last week it was concerning to spend 2 days with an image repeatedly coming to the front of my thoughts. It was possible to avoid it online, but it was a nagging urge that just wouldn't go away. Then, as part of my role as a moderator I was required to investigate a thread and the possible impact of the [nsfw]leaked celeb photos[/nsfw] last week. This heightened the urge I was under and I was aware that I was in a very vulnerable position.

Now the next bit I describe with a massive precaution. What I did next came up in the thread I was investigating and I stated my view then. The thread has since been deleted, not because anyone did anything wrong or said anything wrong, but because it was felt, amongst several moderators, that the subject matter was just too triggering.

In the thread the conversation expanded when it was suggested that exposing yourself to something helps you overcome the addiction. I disagree with this because first, there is no documented evidence that this is a suitable treatment for P addiction and second, the use of exposure therapy is used for a very different psychological problem to P addiction. I don't believe you can apply therapies to all things just because they may work in one specific area. Physiology doesn't work like that.

However, I did expose myself to this image and this is what I found waiting for me. A choice. It was a very clear and simple choice and my brain sat there and waited while I was presented with this choice. M or not. It was as simple as that. I had spent 2 days avoiding this image and when I was finally faced with it there was no little voice urging me on or lying to me. There was just 2 outcomes. M or not.

I realise now that I hadn't quite got to 90 days at this point. And as I said before, the previous 20 days had been so quiet that I pretty much feel rebooted. That isn't why I looked - I looked because whether you are rebooted or not you are always going to be tempted to look at something racy and triggery. But that moment when I looked and had that peace of mind to recognise the option I was presented with was a new thing.

And the decision was very easy. Sitting in my office in the middle of the day the idea of suddenly diving in to my pants and doing stuff just because of a picture seemed like a ludicrous thing to do. I made the decision not to M, closed the tab, carried on with my work and have not be plagued by the image or an urge since.

Now, to repeat myself, I don't believe what I did was exposure therapy and I don't recommend anyone go and face their urge like that. At least not until you are rebooted. But this isn't why I wrote this post. The reason I wrote is because this experience has shown me something amazing. NoFap works. I came to NoFap last December a hopeless PMO addict. I have followed links people have kindly given me, I have followed their advice and in turn I have passed on what has felt right to me and offered support and encouragement.

And I have relapsed. After 74 days I spiralled into a 3 month relapse and it was knowledge that NoFap was there and did not judge that helped me come back. And in that journey I have learnt that for me, recovering from PMO addiction has required 2 things:-

First, a complete and thorough abstinence of P, triggers, M, edging is absolutely required. My penis and everything associated with it is completely out of bounds. It is to be completely and utterly ignored.

Second, a complete change in my view of P, sex, women, fantasies and my life in general. I have had to look at why, when, where, how I am using P and to understand that it is ALL connected to the addiction. I have had to look at my life, ask why it allows this addiction to exist and find out what is missing. I have found gaps in my day that need activity. I have found gaps in my morality that allows me to PMO when I know that other people, as well as myself, suffer because of it. And I have found that not winning because it is too much hard work achieves nothing.

So the reason I am writing this is to say that if this can work for me, then it can work for anyone. Everyone here, everyone reading this, can be free of PMO addiction. And when you are free you can get on with your life with out that stress and guilt and dysfunction.

Good luck to you all.